Ugly Girl

Hi, I have always had low self confidence. As a child, I was called ugly all the time. Then I grew up, and in high school, all guys I liked rejected me for prettier girls... all my friends were prettier, and had boys liking them. And I was taller and heavier than them, so yeah. I lost weight, but it's mostly my hair, face and small breasts that upset me. And there are girls who have EVERYTHING, and on top of it complain about being "too pretty"... that being too pretty is bad, because men only like you for one thing, etc. Well, it's like hearing a rich person complain about having too much money! I bet these pretty girls would not ugly down if they had the chance, even if they complain about being beautiful all the time. Makes me sick when they do!

I had a boyfriend. He had issues with my past, which in turn had somewhat of an impact on my self esteem. He never called me ugly, but I just started losing my self confidence. It got to the point where I'd hate and get anxious that he'd watch porn, or feel incredibly uncomfortable when we went out socially, because pretty, sexy girls are always flaunting it, wearing revealing clothes, looking pretty. So I'd compare myself, and of course I felt bad (fell, actually). It got to a point where he got sick of my insecurities and that I'd feel jealous and especially that I'd get jealous of something so "meaningless" as porn, like he said. So he left me last night. He said that to make it definitive, he'll look for a new girl. Not to be in a relationship with her, but to have someone to actually have fun with, because he was tired of my anxiety always ruining everything. He says he wants a girl he can have fun with. That I never made enough effort to change.

But I even went to therapy, talked about all my self confidence issues, and it didn't work. I just feel ugly, and I can't accept that I got hit by the ugly stick at birth, I just don't feel like I should be ugly! People are shallow. Men are shallow. They have always rejected me because I'm not beautiful enough... and make up, getting a hair cut or losing weight does nothing. I still have ugly eyes, I still have sparse hair, I still have small breasts. I'm just not beautiful, and I want to be so badly.

I felt very insecure because once we talked about it, honestly, and he told me that his preference was for thin girls, with big breasts, and of course girly faces. Think Monica Bellucci, Scarlett Johansson. And a lot of women wear skimpy outfits when we're out, and I know he looks. He doesn't ogle when he's with me, but when his with friends (who're all perverts, anyway), he must look and probably gets turned on because of what these girls wear. Before we started dating, he told me that one of his and his friends' past times was to ogle girls... then he told me when we were dating that he didn't ogle anymore (yeah right, if he did it before he obviously still did it!).

I hate it, because even if it's the inside that matters, I've been proven MANY times that if the outside isn't pretty enough, then the inside won't outshine an ugly face, no matter how great the personality! Trust me, beautiful people have it easier when it comes to love. Even the ones with dull personalities.

I don't know what to do. I just can't love or accept my appearance, and there's nothing short of surgery to help, and even a lot of surgery wouldn't help it... especially my mind, because I hate being fake, or a "false advertiser". There are naturally attractive people, he's one of them, so why can't I be one? It's unfair... plus, with the break up I feel even uglier, duller, stupid, etc. And thinking that he'll be in the hunt for a new girl "not to be serious, but to only have fun with" makes me feel even worse, because obviously then personality won't matter much, it'll be about looks.

I wish I could just not crave love, or relationships, I wish I could stay single, never want kids or never want getting married and just not care about men, not care about love, not care about relationships. But sadly I'm ugly but I have the same wiring that every other woman!