To be honest i think alot of the way i feel about myself has to do with my mother passing away at the end of january, i got taken into care when i was 7 as she wasnt well, and from that point on i cut my self off from her completly on a emotional level, i couldnt even kiss or hug her.

i feel guilty about it although i know it wasnt my fault i cant help but feeling the guilt, she died very suddenly and there is alot of things that where left unsaid,and the last thing she wanted before she died was to see me, but then she told me to go away, and died later on that night, the nurse told me she told her she didnt want be me to be scared of the way she looked.(all the tubes etc)

as i suppose everyone in my stuation feels, i just wish i had one more night to just hold her and tell her that i did love her,i cant help but feel though i could of done something, if i would of visited her, i would of realised she was ill (she died of phemonia) and maybe she would still be here now.

so the situation am in now, about "always messing up" i think it has to do with that. i just feel so usless, and selfish because although i dont mean to when i look at the situations that cause the arguments i am putting myself first, like buying clothes taht i dont need, or food that ends up going off before i eat it, when money right now is very tight. or just being dame right lazy thinking the clothes are ok on the floor, ill just watch the telly, but am not working so when my boyfriend comes home obviously hes going to be pissed off the place is a tip. but when we have an argument i get a bit of ummph tahts leads to me cleaning and saving for a few days but then it goes back to normal.

what else, erm well to be honest because i do have this disliking to myself and i do sometimes self harm, i suppose i feel soem sort of gratification of been told off, like am punished and i feel i desevrve it, so a part of me wonders if i do dilipratly cause the arguments.

now proabably my biggest problems which does annoy the out of my boyfriend am sure of and i think this may have something to do with been taking into care. i am terried of been regected/abandoned i am in constant fear hes going to leave me, i mean its bad he'll go the toilet in a public place and if hes more that a certain amount of time ill start thinking had he gone out of another exit? has he left me here?, is he not comming back?. i no its stupid but i cant explain to you that fear and panic that goes through me , am the same constanly fearing he doesnt want to be with me anymore, but when i sit down and reationally think about it i know its stupid. so subsequently when we argue even if it may be a stupid one, i think its the end of the world thats it hes goin leave, and panic sets in. which is the state i was in when i wrote my first note.

now am in a "normal mood" so i hope ive explained it a bit better for you, i still do believe though am a total cluts, i could fall over air! just wish there was some way to be unclutslike!

thanx for listening