purpleorchid

I am at my wit's end. I really think that I have no purpose in this society. I've tried so hard and reaped nothing.

Here's my story:

I am 25. Still Young, i know, but sometimes I just feel like there is no hope due to the body that I was given. I was born with a bone disorder in my upper jaw...basically the bone is being eaten away/prevented from forming and gorwing into an adult facial bone structure. From the outside, you can't really tell that I have this problem. What you can tell, though, is that I look like a deformed 12 year old. If you think about the differnce between a child's face and a grown woman's, it's the length of the bone structure (children's faces look more..squished vertically and very round). The most insurance will treat is the disorder itself, and on the outside I look like a very wierd looking 12-13 year old child. I will need costmetic (facial bone surgery and grafting) for that. It's something that I can't presently afford (andn it's an experimental surgery only being done in two countries).

Adding to the problem is the fact that im extremely short (4'10) and i'm very..curvy. boobs, butts, the whole package. So basically I look like this midget curvy girl with the body of a pornstar (big boobs, butt, tiny waist) and the innocent looking face of a 12 year old female. Hello, perverts and child molesters!!!

I think there is no hope for me sometimes. The body I've been placed in is preventing me from experiancing a normal life, professional-wise and relationships too (female friends and boyfriends)

I get no respect with men. They either a) think I'm weird looking and don't pay me any attention/are mean to me since im ugly or b)think i'm an easy lay and easy target/prey thanks to my innocent short stature and looks and pornstar body, or c) have a child fetish. I think most men at any level are like that, but for some reason they feel like they can act it out with me and get away with it. I don't think it has anything to do with my personality. Men often will try to say something to men about that, and when i make it clear (kindly but firmly in in the right language) that i'm not interested in being their little submissive adolsecent teen girl fetish they get all offended and start treating me off-puttingly. As if since i'm built like that im expected to give it?! wtf!

when the sun is setting men like to look at me inappropraitely. Taller women who actually look like woman get oogled too, but most businessmen seem to respect them more and seem afraid to look at them inapproatiately.

clothes are a big problem. I can either wear clothes that cover my figure (so men don't oogle me) but then I look like a real 12 year old, or I can wear more grown up clothes that WILL cause men to oogle me but I will look 20~)

The better quality guys (great kind personality, decent looks, smart, etc) never want to give me the light of day b/c I look like a low-status girl.
Someone even told me once that they would never bring me home since I looked like a midget hooker. : (

But guys are the least of my worries.
The worst part is my career. No matter where I go, people don't resepect me. Females see me as someone they can trample and easily manipulate, while males find my amusing when I talk like a smart women in interviews due to my 12 year old looking face.

Girls don't want to be my friend. Girls are really status driven and they see me as this short, ugly looking creature they would NEVER want to be associated with. I don't think I have any real friends... In high school I was beaten andn bullied due to my not having any friends and my short stature

Thanks to this disease, it has deformed my facial bones in such a way that I look like a monster when I smile. I look like a normal pre-teen until i smile, and then people get scared off immediately. Or, I can just not smile, and then people find it wierd why I never seem happy.

While in college I was never given a reception desk job, or any job that would mean I have to present an image for a compnay. I couldn't even get hired at the local grocery store as a bagger/clerk being that with the uniform on (which never fits!) I look like a 12 year old grocerry clerk. Worse, I can't get any backstore postions b/c I don't have the strength. Nobody takes me seriously and nobody ever wants to hire me. They assume automatic imcompetance or think that I'll give their company a bad image.

I am going back to school to be a clinical scientist (looking at tissues samples in the hopstial lab). It's one of those positions where it's more about what you know and your skillset then more subjective fields like marketing where image is everything. I'll have to wait 4 years until I will be able to save up for this surgery. I've worked so hard since middle school, and reaped almost none of the benefits. I hate science and math, but it is the only field that is objective and fair enough that I will be judged based on what i know and not my body type.


I've worked so hard my entire life. 20 hours a week in high school, and more in college. I've always had to take lower back backroom jobs becuase nobody wants me to be the face of their company. I have to try so much harder than everybody else in order to be even given a chance. A friend said it the best: I pay three times more taxes than anyone else.

I've grown bitter over the years. I take so much in this world and work so hard and get so little back. If I complain (to family, friends), then i'll have none. So i'm expected to toughen it up and just take it...Some times I feel like my body was not meant for this world, i don't know how else to descirbe it.

..how would you feel after preparing hours for an interview (and this was when the economy was booming) only to have the interviewer look at you in amusement as you tried to talk in normal, sensible adult language and then promptly reject you?

When I was 18, my parents inherited enough cash to help me treat this condition with surgery. HOWEVER, they choose instead to invest it into my older sister who ended up going to an ivy league school paid by the inheritance money andn wound up as a high school history teacher, when she could have gotten the same salary going to the State University for 1/5 the cost. My parents are extremely religious and don't believe in surgery for cosmetic improvement. My mother was born extremely beautiful and tall and she doesn't understand that short, ugly people like me how hard we have it. at age 17 she sent me into THERAPY when I became extremely depressed about how hard high school was and how harder I had to try with othehr people to have any shot at even making acquaitances with my facail deformity.

I'm so bitter at my mother for her decision. My mother was adopted, and estranged from her adopted parents, and my father has temper issues that have isolated us from his side of the family. As a result, the only family I have in this world is my mother, older sister, older brother, and father. I really have nobody in this world to turn to, and nobody to help me.

I have been waiting for 10 years for this surgery so i can finaly have the face of an adult and get some respect. It's extremely risky, but then what choice do I have ? I get no respect anywhere and can't get anywhere in life. im not even cute, im deformed looking. I'm basicaly treated like a midget, but get none of the disability benefits they get. I have no real friends to rely on and I'm 25... I should be enjoying my life but instead...this.I can't find a decent bf, I can't get the job I deserve to get with my abilities, and I sure as don't have any enriching social life.


I need to wait 4 more years until I can finally get this surgery. By then I'll be 29. My prime years will be over. You can only live once, and this is the path I was handed. I'm so miserable. i believe that we are alive here on this earth for one reason: an attempt to expand the gene pool through new traits that might help our species adapt. I was the mistake, the mutation, and i have nothing.

Sometimes I see people with friends having fun, or having enriching personal relationships and careers. I won't be able to get any of this, and the most I can do is bottle it up inside and CRY.



why should I do? I can't commit suicide becuase I know there is hope for me in 4 more years, but to think that I will have wasted childhood-30 due to my deformity really hurts me. I have no faith in humanity anymore. All you need to suceed in this world is a beautiful smile and a wonderful outside. The inside doens't even count. it never did.