I agree with HD, you have many years and kids involved, get into counseling. For several reasons. You both have unresolved issues, he was playing for several years, while you carried the load of making it all work, he had an affair - that always leaves wounds. You gave up a created a separate life within your marriage and while that is understandable, it kept the two of you from coming together when he did change. Now this behavior...
The fact that you didn't just kick him to the curb immediately and you are asking specifically how you can salvage the relationship says you should get some help. A good counselor (and there are plenty of poor ones) will help the two of you learn some new skills to communicate better and to sort out your feelings.
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We can only learn to love by loving.
Iris Mudoch, British writer
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