Dear Ladylane,
I respect and admire you for your resolve and loyalty. These two attributes make you a marked woman of value and virtue. Any man could count himself lucky to be your wife for that! Your husband is truly fortunate to have a woman who is as understanding and faithful as you have been. I understand and sympathize with your situation. Instead of doing what you see so much in TV and Movies and perhaps hear from your friends, you've done the right thing which makes you a very special woman. Great things come to women who do what you do! You should feel really good about that!
Your husband must be going through something absolutely awful. The doubts and concerns that he has about his intimacy must threaten his very manhood not to mention his pride. Most of all I'm sure he's very concerned about the possibility of losing a wonderful wife in you.
The situation you're in is a tough one, but not impossible. Especially for a woman like you. From what little I know about you I feel that you are a strong-good person. Don't be afraid to tell him that you've been thinking about cheating. He won't be surprised. He'll likely be understanding even if he's so scared by it that he won't show his true feelings.
My wife cheated on me and I can tell you there is absolutely nothing worse or more stressfully plaugeing than to have to stomach that truth. There's no way to describe the stress and pain- I can only try. I wish she would have told me sooner when things were more simple. The news that she had an affair demolished the love, respect and just the pure-yummy affectionate feelings and thoughts I had for her before. Because of our child and the progress we've built together I've stayed with her. (I'm also a blue personality motivated by intimacy and loyalty.)
It is H***. I got an ulcer, I wonder every time she goes out alone, I can't sleep (for months) etc. It's a big deal to a man to be cheated on. It's demoralizing and hard not to think about it constantly. At face value it seems maybe understandable. I thought it would never happen, and if it did I could reason through it and I'd be alright. It's nigh unbearable- worse than cancer. More painful than any broken bones, or death of a loved one. It's VERY painful. I've really had to work very hard at keeping it off my mind. I've even called up and scolded the $#% out of the guy she cheated with over the phone and then forgave and encouraged him to be better. It was a better course of action for me than the violence that first came to mind- I'm 6'4" 200lbs. and ripped. He's 20 years older than me and small. I was afraid if I saw him the damage to my life's options from the situation would be worse for me. Fortunately as I have continued to do the right things- every other aspect of my life has been multiplied. My training has accelerated, self esteem improved, income, etc. Ironically I get hit on way more now that my minds made up to do the right thing- it's fun, and NO GUILT!!! I hate guilt- it sucks!
The irony in my case is that I was like you at the time. I was having the same temptations and thoughts, but I like you was also faithful. I'm so glad now that I was. My self esteem took a brutal blow, but I'm so pleased that I've preserved my integrity. I still don't know if my marriage should be saved, but I know I'll be better off either way given the path I've walked.
Advise recap- Talk to him with a motive of love for yourself and him. Give him an ultimatum of what you are and aren't willing to live with. (He's waiting for a fire to be lit under him- light a match! ) Remember your needs and feelings are important and valid. Every bit as important and valid as his. Also remember that if you can live with it you may have to that. A lot of divorced people aren't any happier than they were in an unhappy marriage. Those who are in the divorced and happier group did things according to powerful principles. My love and prayers go out to you both. You'll do awesome!