Wouldn't you agree trust is a choice to believe the best, regardless of proof and that trust is easy some days harder on others? Some they think of trust as a feeling they need to feel during any and every given situation throughout the entire relationship and that is what is best for them. What is best for someone else may be an "overall" feeling. Others maybe it's flux and each day is a choice to define the person by their past infidelity or not if they have the tell-tale behaviors. Regardless, it probably should be coupled with just really seeing what the relationship is doing TO you if that person is right by you or a million miles away for an hour or a month - proof or not - when you suspect something. We often don't want to know the truth and ignore our guts. That tends to be a pattern we ourselves take on then, we mistrust our own ability to judge things correctly - why? Simply because we can't or rather don't find out if your instincts prove true or not. That's where I've been silly. I saw the wife give him enough "false trust" rope to hang himself, yet the actual proof to her trusting him or not was in her monitoring him secretly and openly both, and accusing him constantly. In this case she was right - and you know - she knew she was right but didn't want to believe it. Seeing this behavior in her, I was silly to think she would every "really" try to catch him and then leave him. If she wanted to leave him, she could simply have left for how she was feeling about herself and him, she didn't need to have proof. Little me was waiting for the "I've had enough" realization to hit her, but if a woman is willing to deny her gut instinct, she is willing to endure staying married to him and just hope it will never happen again. She'd rather live with the fear of another woman, than the fear of being alone. I finally realize that the denying wife and the denying mistress are very much alike in one sense - they are both scared to death of being alone - again.

And about the deflection of guilt stuff - that's exactly what it is. The cheater does feel guilty, but as they say misery loves company and to deflect attention from themselves to you is the easiest tactic they have because they know you will then go into defense mode. Most of us are wired that way don't you think? Get accused, immediately defend. Anyway - the other part is why does anyone lie? I read something earlier that made 100% sense... 1. to avoid consequences / punishment or 2. to gain reward. In these cases, usually #1 from the wife and #2 from the mistress.

I admit I'm still all mixed up from my newly crushed involvement with a married man and I am learning how much denial and fear was leading my behavior. It still is, but those memories of "the good old days" lurk and hurt deep. I hope you heal, I hope we all heal no matter which person of the triangle we may be.