Hey everyone,

I have another user name on here but I can't remember it or the password. The last time I posted I talked about my truly awful experience contracting high risk HPV 16 and with the colposcopy. It was the most painful terrifying thing I've ever done with my body. I still remember like it was yesterday the burning of the speculum, the burning of the solution, the scissors latching onto my cervix and removing a piece of my flesh. Talk about nightmares.

I just had my 6month follow up pap, that I needed valium to get me into the door. I lost a good two weeks of sleep prior to the pap smear. I wasn't previously terrified of pap smears. I dreaded them, but I was able to get in there without problem and well rested. Since the colpo my who mindset is completely different about doctors doing anything around my vagina. I would see ads in the paper for the hospital I go to, and my pulse would race and I'd get all jittery and my hands would sweat. It has turned me absolutely insane and I don't know what to do!

The valium the Dr. perscribed did absolutely nothing. I took 7.5mg of it and I could've run a marathon and aced a spelling bee on it. It was a joke. For my colpo I took like .25mg of xanex which isn't very much and probably why I had no help from that either.

Now as I'm waiting for the results of this pap to come back I'm again losing sleep. I have this gut feeling I'll need another colpo because I will not have normal results. I need to find a gyno in California or Nevada who will give me some real drugs to go through this again. What is the stuff they use in concious sedation? Does anyone have a gyno who offers this? My doctor acted like it was kind of a foreign idea but I know that if there are dentists out there who can make you forget your own name for awhile to work on your teeth there's got to be a gyno who will do the same to work on your vagina.

I seriously think I need some professional help after these procedures, they damaging me more than trying to deal with my childhood sexual abuse incident.