Thanks for the feedback. Here is a little history of us. About once a year for as long as I have known him he goes through something like this. He wants to be a fighter, and everytime he has attempted it he fails. He blames me for this because I will ask him to hang out with us if he is away too much. He will get injured as most fighters will and he will quit. This is where he blames me: he says he only quit b/c I wanted to be with him. So then a year goes by and this pattern will repeat. I have it written in my journal since 2000.
Anyway 2 yrs ago when he did this our daughters especially the older one took the brunt of the impact. She was devastated to see this going on. After he was gone for 2 days he came back and said he would never do that again. Which really made me happy b/c it hurts before and after he leaves. So around Christmas of 06 I bought him this computer game that he had been wanting, World of Warcraft. He has an addictive personality and slowly began to spend all of his time downstairs playing. I tried really hard to not let it get as bad as it did. I would suggest a schedule because he didn't realize that he would be down there 8-10 hours a day. The schedule would work for a week and things would return to normal. On the weekends when I have school the girls would tell me that he would grab some food and go down there and they wouldn't really see him. They would cry when I got home from being bored all day. He didn't notice though.
Even with all of this I didn't notice that things were awful. I just thought well what can I complain about. So a couple of months ago I noticed I was begging him to fall asleep with me. Or watch a tv show with me and it was like a hard job for him. He would wake up and run down there before work and right after work. That was sort of out of character so my ears perked up. Then I noticed that he was talking on the phone on the patio. And when I asked what he was doing he said it was just fresh out there. The dogs go to the bathroom outthere so I know its not all that fresh.
In all the years we have been together I have never checked his phone but I started to. The logs were all deleted. Not like him at all. So I looked online and found that he was spending a lot of time talking to someone in another state. And when I asked about it he admitted that he had met someone on the game. And that she understands him like I don't. He said I am always too emotional: which is very true right now. He had told me that he would wait two years to leave so I could graduate from school and take care of our kids. And I went to my car to cry because I didn't want to wake up the girls but it was one of those cries that hits you so hard you end up choking and throwing up. He saw all this and said I'm not going I can't leave you. The next morning as he was getting ready for work he just seemed different. I knew he was going to take back those words.
And so later on in the day he called me and said to have his things ready he wasn't coming home at all. That was on a wednesday, he insisted on telling the girls but I had him hold off two days so they could enjoy the last days of school. And he told them on Friday. His explanation is that he feels suffacated that there are things he wants to do with his life: like fighting: that he can't do. He said he wasn't happy and this was going to make him feel better.
The girls took it hard and so now he is visiting everyday but he spends the first hours sleeping. He will play with them for a few min. Talk with me some, sleep with me (which I have just figured out is a huge mistake for my emotions) and then he is off. Like he has done something great for the day. Every night morning and mid day they get this look on their faces. It hurts me more to see that on them than the pain I feel.
Like I said he is high and drunk now most days. I don't know if it is his way of coping or what but he just isn't himself. His family is supporting him saying he has tried his best. But they are very disfunctional. The dad is an alcoholic, the mom is very posessive of her kids. Three out of four are living at home now and she is trying to get the fourth back. I think he may be bi polar or at the least extrememly depressed.
I hate watching him destroy his self. It's like as long as he was here I was able to keep him out of his family patterns. Which may be a huge part of the problem.
Not to blame everything on him I have my issues. And abandonment is a huge one of them. And I am too clingy to him. I probably have contributed to his lack of ambition but at the same time I have always told him to go out and do what he wanted. And this last time when he was blaming me for his fighting I did tell him you aren't happy and you need to see that I am not the cause of it. I told him to consider doing something different, I guess I opened the door for him to leave and he did.
I wouldn't say we have had the worlds greatest marriage but it wasn't that bad. At the bottom of everything we sincerely love one another. And we have a great family. A lot of people were envious of us and now I feel like everyday was a joke. Anyway that is a longer version of what is going on.