It's 3 in the morning and I have awaken. My first thought is to talk to him. I wish there was a rule book on what to do. I miss him he was my best friend for a long time and now I am just at it alone. There are all these new boundaries that I don't even know about. The other night he was here and we were having a nice time. He fell asleep and I didn't wake him up. I layed there and watched him. After a time I fell asleep with him and it made me happy because this is one of the first times that I have fallen asleep with him in a long time. And then the phone rings and it's his brother looken for him. I know it was his mom who initiated that call. In the 10 years we have been living together I can count on one hand how many times they have called the house phone. He stayed for an hour more and then he left.
I just have this feeling like he was home why would she do that. He was fine. But when he shows up to her house drunk and everything else she doesn't have a problem with that. It's so crazy. I would think a different kind of mom would say: "you know you guys may have some problems but you need to go home to your pregnant wife and kids". So now last night when he stopped by after work he was acting so strange. The okness that we have had with one another was gone. He was looking at me like he didn 't know me. And he didn't reach for my hand as always, he even kissed me on the forehead.
After he had left and called to say goodnight to me I asked him what was going on and he said that he just thinks we are still acting like we are a couple and he is just living somewhere else. He was so high and drunk again. (This is not like him espeacially when he has to work in the morning.) Which is how it seemed but up until that night we were ok with that. I didn't let him know that this bothered me. I just said ok if that's what you want. I don't want to push him further away by complaining about his decisions. But if his mom sees him like that doesn't she see he is hurting.
I am praying for him like crazy, I can see him spiraling downhill fast and I can't do anything. Maybe it's his destiny and my influence is not good because it is coming from my own desires and not what is best for him. Thats why I have tried to just go with the flow. But it's like I went from being able to talk to him whenever and hug him whenever to phone calls that are usually under 10 minutes. I miss him so much and I hate that he could do this to me after so many years together. I hate how he can do this to our kids. I hate how he still isn't making his own choices. I hate that he is talking to this girl out of town. He has found all of these outlets to keep him distracted while I am constantly reminded of him. Everytime my kids cry or I get kicked from within or any time I walk around our house. I think of him. And the part that I hate the most is I am not mad at him. I can see his pain and see how he is not himself I don't want to add to it.
Right now I am the only one up though. Everyone else is resting peacefully. That's sad.