Well, I told Toads wife by calling her up and prefacing that my wife had been cheating on me and her husband was involved. I told her I didn't tell her for a year because I didn't want to hurt her or have her go through what I had been through. She was SO chill about it. All business. Not even surprised. She was grateful I had called. She was about to go with him to some big national gymnastics event for their daughter and had to be brief. She asked if she could call me back later. I said I didn't want to get involved in their relationship, or them etc. that I didn't want to know what happened etc. but if she had any other questions later she could call me. She never called me back and it's been two months. I found out that my wife called him around Christmas to pay him for services he gave her for free during the affair. He was wroth with her and told her never to call him again and that it takes years off his life every time she or I called him after the affair. What's interesting is in talking to Toads wife I asked her if she noticed any special treatment or improvement in Toad around "time". and there wasn't any at all. He promised me he would try to make things up to her because I said the whole time my wife was cheating on me she treated me like dirt and he probably did the same to his wife. The other thing was that the affair started right after his wife found out about another affair with a girl named "Kathy" that he worked with got a divorced by her husband that toad also worked with. That affair was just an "emotional" affair and Toads wife promised and recommitted to her and that all would be better etc. A month Later he was dating and fooling around with my wife! This guy is like you say- amoral. I thought that they were all close and couldn't get over eachother from twelve years ago. I guess that's what my wife thought because that's where I got the notion. This guy is just a creep. My wife has found out about the other affairs and sees things a little more clearly. The problem is, the whole reason she turned to him is her perspective. When we were dating I could do no wrong and everything I did right she'd tell the world about it and cherish in it. Now it's the opposite. That's why she turned to him to begin with. She saw him in the lime light and only talked about and looked for the bad in me. Her mind turned to the point that she began telling me how I was so mean, horrible and treated her badly. She felt that way for years but didn't tell me- just everybody else.
I confronted her and said "be specific- what did I do that was so horrible?" She said "you left to go camping with our daughter and didn't even call me before you left!" (Her mother was sitting there at the time and was chiming in on all of this and telling me how horrible I was and that I was a liar etc.) I asked her mother is that what she told you? It was. I then asked my wife ME "did you know where I was?" HER "yes" ME "where was I?" HER "You were at the church father-son campout." ME "Did you know I was taking our daughter?" HER"Yes, you had to take her because I was working friday night and Saturday morning." ME "Well, what did I do wrong?- what was so mean? How is that treating you so bad?" HER "You didn't call me before you left." ME "are you serious?!!!" HER "YES!" ME "We had just barely ate lunch together and then I left like ten minutes after that to the campout you knew I was going to!- I had just barely talked to you- seen you in person!" Her mom asked was that true and it was. Then her mom went off on her and apologized to me. She didn't ask me to call or anything. She just expected it. You could say I was inconsiderate at worst- but treat her bad? ???? I have a lot more understanding now. I always wondered what happened to make her so bitter etc. Here's what I think it is- it's silent expectation followed by disappointment (naturally). Then she spins and exaggerates her sob story to friends who only knowing what she says validates it and then you've got resentment and support to keep it going. NOW I see why her sisters etc are distant. She always leaves the house etc when she's on the phone w. them and I come in. Or she'll say "oh he's home, I gotta go." Now I think she's tearing me down to them.