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In understanding the nature of domestic violence
we must first fully comprehend it is not an act
but a process.
As water wears down stone, the abuser wears
down the victim.
It doesn't happen overnight, it takes time.
The victim must internalise the abuse. She
must believe his assessments. She must
accept his determination.
In short, there must be a part of her that
agrees to the treatment.
Whether she says; "Oh, I provoked him,"
or "I'm a fool", or "Let my husband decide,"
she has confirmed the fact that she believes
in her non-personhood.
Many strong women are reduced to being
abused wives because they can't believe
this could happen to them.
"If it were anyone else, yes, it would be
abuse, but because it is me, it is something
else..."
Abusers like the challenge of reducing women,
strong women to their slaves.
The abuser acts on internal impetus.
His mother might have been strong and distant
so he looks for a strong and distant woman to
punish for his mother's neglect.
His father may have abused his mother.
He may have deep seated problems with women.
Whatever it is, he needs a victim.
And she must be the kind of person
he can abuse and get that 'kick' from.
He is not a bold and brave warrior. He wouldn't
touch a woman he didn't have 'ownership' of.
He would be afraid of her, he would be afraid of
another man.
He is the kind who has never been in a fight,
although he might have been bullied.
He is coward.
He can not deal with responsibility.
He troubles nothing that could hurt him.
He is attracted to his victim in a kind of fixation/
obsession based on whatever it is she reveals
that captures him.
Often, it is the independent woman. The woman
who is in charge, who knows what is going on.
If he can absorb her, he gains her 'power.'
His pursuit is almost mindless. There is nothing he
would not do to get her. He must get her. If she,
off put by his attempts, refuses to become involved,
he may pursue her for years.
Sometimes he gives up when it is clear she is not
going to succumb or becomes someone he does
not want.
In many cases, however, he is successful, and he
does get the victim to fall in love with him by
becoming whatever it is she wants.
His jerking of her chain at that point, is almost
automatic. He needs to be sure. He needs to
confirm that she does love him.
He needs to know she loves him. He needs to
prove it, and his proof must cause her pain.
Breaking off with her, to cause her pain, is the
first evidence of abuse. He must do something
to prove he 'controls' her emotions.
The fact this action comes before the relationship
is the first signal that this is a relationship one
need not enter.
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