01-27-2007, 08:03 PM
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Guest
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Direction of Anger
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One of the 'give aways', in abusive relationships
is the direction of anger.
Is he angry about....
or is he angry at his wife?
Dee was unable to pay the light bill. Is Mac
angry that she was unable to pay the bill, or
is he angry at Dee?
From the example, you know he will be cursing
Dee, not the fact the bill was not paid.
There are two different subjects here.
Dee is not the light bill.
Dee is not the non-payment of the bill.
Mac's anger is directed at Dee.
Tom would be upset that the bill was not paid.
Ann would explain why she was unable to pay
the bill. Tom would not take out his anger on
Ann, he would not think she had done it deliberately
or was so stupid as to let the due date slip.
The fact the person who was unable to pay the bill
happened to be Ann is not the direction of his
disappointment.
Many abused wives can not see the difference
between being angry about or being angry at
as they have come to accept everything as their
fault.
A blizzard; her fault she didn't buy extra heating
oil.
A flat tyre, her fault not to have checked the tires.
The neighbor is angry because the dog messed on
his yard; it is her fault.
Non abused wives shrug; so I missed paying the
bill. Yawn. Well, who would have known there
would be a blizzard? Ho hum. Well, flat tyres
happen all the time. The dog is just too young
to know better. My fault? What? Don't be crazy.
Abused wives are terrified if anything goes wrong.
They know they will be punished.
She trembles when his boss picks up the baby,
just incase it pukes on him; it will be her fault.
She holds her breath when she puts that plate
of food in front of him. If it isn't perfect, she'll
wear it.
She practises how she will tell him about some sort
of set back, casting her mind around for a
scapegoat, finding someone else to blame, so that
she can tell him in the tone of voice, with the words
which will direct his anger away from her.
For that is the key feature of abusive relationships,
anger at, not about.
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