ok this is long but i need advice
my boyfriends ex gilrfriend had a son with him. when i met him, they had been split for 7 months. she was engaged 3 months after the split and their son was 1 and a half. they had just agreed that my guy would get his son every week for 2 days. shortly after she found out that he had a girlfriend, she filed custody papers for chidl support and an outline of agreed custody. he agreed to allow her to have the kid through out the week cuz she was breast feeding and such.
he lives in a house that he has been renting for 2 and a half years now. the boy is 2 and a half. i have lived with my guy for about 8 months. she had been living with her parents up untill about 5 months ago i would say, when she and the boy finally moved in with her fiance.
she has an unstable past. before she met my guy, she had attempted suicide via drug overdose, twice to my knowledge. and she had 2 abortions prior to my guy. they were broken up when she found out she was pregnant. my guy is not really for abortion, but he doesn't really feel it is in majority his decision to make. because she had had 2 abortions already she was afraid if she did it again she would not be able to have kids in the future.
my guy on the other hand, before her had only been in one other serious relationship. he has had a stable life style, maintained a home and lived on his own for i would say 6 years before he met her. (he was 29 when they met).
here is my problem. her fiance is a drill sargent for the army, and he brings it home with him. he has verbally attacked my guy and myself 3 times and she has verbally attacted me once for being too affectionate with her child. my guy has just started calling his son during the week. 2 nights ago, he called. while he was talking to his son, the fiance asked the child who he was talking to, and the boy said his father's name...not daddy. a little while later, the boy was riding his "motorcycle' (a pillow) and making the sound over the phone for his dad. the fiance came over and took the motorcycle away. we could hear it over the phone. there was no conversation between the fiance and the 2 year old boy, he just took it away. the boy said "hey give it back". the fiance said "don't you dare talk to me like that!" and said" hey be quiet" the boy siad "no you be quiet" and then continued to talk to his dad. the boy frantically started to say goodbye to his dad and it sounded like the phone was taken away from him. he started screaming i want to say goodbye i want to say goobye. so he got back on the phone and frantically started saying goodbye again. then the mother got on the phone and we could hear the fiance say "ok now you are going in a time out!" and the mom said "oh looks like he's in trouble"
i don't consider that healthy discipline, and we are worried about how the boy is being raised at his mom's house. from what we see, the environment is not at all what his father and i would like the boy to live in. it seems like there is alot of violence, yelling and, cussing in that house.
but my main concern is that the boy has been increasingly calling his father by his name instead of calling him daddy. the boy is also becoming increasingly negative toward me. he screams at me and says "no bobby!" and hits me and spits at me. i warn him and put him in timeout. he is not always this way, but i think his mom and the fiance are encouraging the boy to not associate the father and i as a parenting team. im not so concerned about me, but about his relationgship with his dad. also i had been talking to the boy on a few occasions, (i have him talk to me alot to encourage growth in is language skills) and a few times he has been telling me something about daddy riding a dirtbike or something, and i say daddy doesnt ride a dirt bike, and he says no (fiance's name) dad not (fathers name) dad mommy's dad (referring to the fiance)
my fear is that they are having the boy call the fiance, dad and encouraging the boy to call his dad by his first name. i can imagine her saying ok it's time to go see (dad's name) instead of ok its time to go see daddy.
the boy also likes to talk about how dad bobby mommy and fiance can go ride quads together, and i always say yeah all of us. but i can see his mom saying no, not (fathers name) and bobby only mommy and (fiance) daddy. and saying something like bobby is not part of the family, when i ehcourage him that all 5 of us are a family including his grandparents on both sides.
what can we do about this? we want to switch the situatuion so that the mom has the boy weekend s and we have him full time, because he is no longer breast feeding, and we believe we have a healthier and more stable home and lifestyle. but at the least we would like to boy to undoubtidly know that the dad is his dad and the fiance is not, and that bobby (me) is not a bad guy.
we are terrified that she is trying to get full custody of the boy cuz she and the fiance repeatedly call the father a weekend and disneyland father. they say he is a child and is irresponsible and doesn't care for his child enough and that he just obvioulsy doesnt care about the buy. but he is doing everything the courts allow him to do in cluding, providing child support ($465 a month), heathcare, vision and dental,calling the boy, picking him up on time, administering meds when needed, disciplining, potty training (he only uses the potty at our house and not his moms), physical, cognitive, emotional, and language activities, providing a healthy diet and a good amount of exercise. and paying for half of the daycare costs.
