Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork
Jack Rabbit, thank you for taking the time to provide such an informative and readable post! You are right, there are far too many relationships struggling because of the women stating their husbands aren't providing enough sex and I think that this will go a long way into helping many of them understand what some possibilities are.
I think way too many women associate a mans lack of desire to ravish her at every opportunity as an indicator that they don't love them or find them attractive and I think you pointed out some other relationship saving possibilities.
I can see refferring to this post in helping a woman with these concerns for a long time to come.
|
If i had an agenda with the OP, it was point out that sex drive is not an innate part of somebodies self-identity but has complex mediating factors out of most people's controls - unless of course you actively chose to take control of them.
For whatever reason, however, it's almost impossible to seperate sexuality from identity. Partly social/cultural reasons, but more than anythign, i think, genetic reasons.
It's like you say that many women associate a man's lack of desire with their own self worth. I know when i was on the hair-meds and the first time i realised i had an issue, alone with a girl first time in the bedroom - even though i was the sexual aggressor and escalated everything ripping clothes off - when she saw i was having "difficulties" first thing she said: "is it me??? i'm fat aren't i??? it's cos you think i'm fat!!!" lol
I can only speak on behalf of male kind, but i think these "emotions" are natural.
There's a lot of talk on these forums about the "precious male ego", which to an extent im' sympathetic with, but i think that attitude does a disservice to what a man actually goes through with this.
From an evolutionary point of view it is necessary for the man to know that his children are genetically his - that he is not rearing someone elses child and that his genes are indeed the ones being secured for the future. This is not a conscious position he takes, but its the culmination of all his seperate thoughts when entering a "pair-bonding" situation. His brain is built to act and perceive things that way, and without his control, releases chemicals that drive him to act "jealous" or "posessive" or "depressed" because of this.
We do not chose our emotions. The best we can do is try to control them.
I'd hazard a guess that women have their own "ego" issues - particularly being desirable to the man they are with, which is evolutionarily essential for her survival, especially during pregnancy and child rearing. His loyalty is paramount to her as well.
That's just simplifying things, but i hope to make clear how it is of paramount importance for a man to feel his woman is SEXUALLY SATISFIED by him before he can feel comfortable. In fact, a man's concern about his woman's sexuality is one his most primary worries - which is why you will see men getting incredibly jealous if his woman has sexual dreams/fatnasies, masturbates without him etc. And i the reason why male social domination is manifested as the complete subjugation of female desire. It's a source of massive insecurity for men. Again, this has a genetic explanation. We all have our natures, and speaking as a man who has had several wisdom teeth removed, we are built rather shoddily and imprefectly.
We are social animal and our social bonds are crucial to our mental well being. Even if it is only chemicals, these chemicals are potentiated with what's going on outside.
As much as i would describe myself as a "feminist" ultra-liberal indivdual, when i had my issues, it was impossible for me to control my emotions. I rationalised that it was my natural hormonal cycles, that it doesn't say anything about me as a person, that there's more to life than sex - but despite trying to overcome my "ego", i couldn't control the fact that i woke up every day with this wierd resentment of my girlfriend and her high sex drive.
It's not something i could talk about either and confronting my gf's drive and talking to her about it just makes it worse - acknowledging a handicap that you deep down feel you're unable to control. Feeling like half a man, inadquate, low sense of self-worth, that nothing can pull you out of.
Oh, except all the drugs listed above. Shits like magic. Helps you conform to social norms and feel good about yourself! Mmmmmmm!!!!