In reply to the last 2 posts.... CW:I currently don't have a job. I'm on social security. I feel very lucky I was accepted to get that because after my friend passed away I was very scared I was going back to the shelter again. I was even prepared to go back, as difficult as it is living in there I did have friends tho. Fortunately I got on disability insurance because my doctor wrote a letter and a very close friend of mine who met me when I was homeless with my friend who passed accepted me to live with her too. So far it's been over a year and it's been working out. She's alot older than me(63) but so far we've been getting along really great. Little arguments here and there but we always find a way to resolve things and compared to the other people I've lived with, she's the most peaceful and understanding one. So yes,as far as having a place to stay and money I feel blessed. It happened at the right time also because the women's shelter closed down last August because the city of SF does'nt want to fund it anymore,which is a real shame. I wish had a job but I can't now because I get as much as if I had a job anyways. It's been 2 years since I had a job tho,guess that's kind of recent. As far as my therapist goes....we had a falling out partly because I missed a bunch of my appointments during my time of great turmoil,but I feel that does'nt excuse her for not calling me back promptly. I'm offended by that. She's good with beaurocratic matters but emotionally she's not there for me really. I am planning to write her an email tomorrow and see if I can start seeing her again.
I'm an artist and have been drawing my own characters for many years now. I even went to the Art Institute even during when I was living at the shelter. The homeless shelter was hard but it was'nt bad either. Because I got accepted in school ,the shelter placed me in their housing program but I made a few mistakes while I was there. I accidently left the shelter because my friend had movced down the street and one night I stayed at her place and did'nt go back. I could'nt stay in school because of the relationships,drugs and alcohol I got into. I admit looking back that was a huge mistake but I hated the curfew the shelter gave me. I felt like I was living in a convent and had certain addictions that affected my stay there, but looking back I always wonder what would have happened had I stayed there.
I've always been into art. I also love music and play guitar and I sort of have my own band at the moment. I play with a drummer and funny he also used to be my boyfriend....really frustrating. I met him on a music website but that site is mostly immature rocker guys and they put me down and made fun of me because they think a woman can't play hard rock.Only if she does death metal growl vocals and looks like a playboy model but I don't like death metal and I don't look 'perfect' to the heavy metal crowd.I really want to fire my drummer but at the moment I don't have much of a choice cos he's the only drummer I know now,but he does'nt seem very committed to my music,just does it whenever he feels like it. He does'nt like girl singers either(only if they do that dumb death metal growl)and criticized my singing saying I sound like a little girl. So lately I've been having this huge artistic block....I'd love to meet new people I can make art and play music with. I don't feel my music is going anywhere. Yea I always thought this for a longtime too and I quote you .."The guys that want big breasts and sex only, aren't "real men" that's all, they are players"... yeah I totally agree for a longtime but seems like there's more player boys then real men out here. I'm just so sick of that...I don't live in a bad neighborhood but it's not all that good either. So many of the whistler player types around here and it's so annoying. I feel PTSD whenever I hear a car horn or a loud whistle and just today I heard a guy call a girl the B word just right in front of my house. I don't feel safe around here to be honest an these boys drive around blasting their awful gangsta rap music which is such a turnoff. Anyways besides that...yes I do love cats and have two cats living with us and they're very sweet.
Anyways to Joy...yeah people have said the same thing 'Oh you're strong.." lol but I don't feel I am alot of times but that's a nice thing to say. I feel blessed to have made it through not being homeless again. I just really miss my friends. My friend who passed was 58 and she had some health problems...What really bothers me is that I tried giving CPR to her but she did'nt make it.She was very close to me...I don't know if I'll ever overcome that which is why I don't feel strong emotionally. I'd be out somewhere and all of a sudden I'll start crying in the middle of the store or wherever.The memory of my friend in front of me just paralyzes me.Also thinking about the relationships I've been in and why they did'nt work. I was verbally and physically abused and I feel messed up because these were people I gave my time to and cared about.I look back and wonder why I did'nt escape their abuse when I could have.I just feel I need to meet new people but don;t know where to look. I tried dating last December but it just totally fell apart...he was an old acquaintance but I just could'nt feel anything so I broke it up. Been alone since and that's one of the reasons why I am so depressed.
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