sarahmay

Nearly 4 years ago now, I had a boyfriend who was very... inexperienced in terms of talking to women. He was a lovely, trustworthy, incredibly loyal, and brutually honest person. We started off really nicely. We both felt too young for sex, so we kept that out of the question, and just enjoyed a nice companionship for about 4 months. Then, as we grew closer, he began confessing things to me. He began telling me how much he liked big breasts. Now my breasts at the time were only about a size B or C cup, which isn't nothing, but certainly not huge (they're now D or DD), but he just didn't seem to think very much of them at all.

He said things to me like, "Its a shame that I can look at your friends (all my friends were much more developed than I was at the time), but I can't look at you" and "I know I can't do anything about your size.. I mean, I would if I could, but I can't. So I just have to deal with it." And when I apologised for my breasts not being big enough, he actually said, "That's okay. I suppose its not your fault. Boob jobs are pretty expensive."

He was a very ignorant, tactless kind of guy, which made his comments even more hurtful; because he didn't mean to be nasty, he was just telling the truth.

I hit the lowest self-esteem point I've ever been at. I'd cry every single night. I hated myself, apologised to him profusely for all my flaws, and thought that this was all my fault. I never told anyone, because I felt too ashamed of myself. Everything that people said to me sounded critical to my ears. This continued for an entire year.

Finally, I spoke to one of my best friends about it. He was shocked and horrified and actually threatened my boyfriend. He explained to me I'd done nothing wrong whatsoever. I dumped my boyfriend and was single for about 8 months, and throughout that 8 months, my best friend complimented me alot and slowly healed the wounds. He is actually the man I'm with now, and I've never been happier. He's everything I could ever want in a man, and I love him more than anything else in the world. He loves my breasts and always tells me how great they are. He really makes me feel beautiful.

But lately, the comments my ex made have been creeping back into my head. I've gained a couple of kg in the past few months due to going on the pill, and while my breasts have gotten bigger, I still feel this horrible sensation in the pit of my stomach every time I look in the mirror. I know its got nothing to do with my boyfriend. I feel completely comfortable when I'm around him. But when I'm not, I always feel self-conscious. I'll be around my girl friends, all of whom I think should be models, and I just feel like a dead leaf lying on the ground gazing up at them. They're not nasty to me and they do compliment me, but things like, "Sarah's only a size 8 because she's got no boobs", or "Gosh Sarah, I don't know why you bother going to the gym. I don't think it really does that much..." or once when I was lying down on my bed and my ribs stuck out because I was lying a certain way, my friend said, "Haha, look Sarah, your ribs look like a second pair of breasts! I guess they make up for the first pair!"

Is it just me or does this all sound kind've... rude? Am I just surrounded my ignorant people? All I know is I can feel myself starting to sink into that low self-esteem mode again and I really don't want to.

Any suggestions how I can boost it back up?

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