Tama

OK, so I know that there are probably other threads dedicated to this problem. But, I believe each relationship is different, therefore, each relationship problem is different.

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 yrs. We met in highschool, and dated for 2yrs after highschool, before we got engaged and then married. We are (or were) pretty happy together. We work together at a good, secure job and we just bought a new house. We have fun together and until recently we had a pretty amazing sexlife.

Something changed all that. We lost 2 employees at once and ended up having to pull double 3 days a week. this means that Monday morning through Thursday evening, we were trading off day and night shifts.
Of course this causes stress, because we are stuck only seeing eachother in passing. And obviously our sexlife the past month has suffered from this.
But, it's part of our jobs as managers to cover the shifts until new clerks can be hired.
And I though that the both of us understood that this was just a temporary thing. That this was just part of work and it would be over soon and we could ge back to normal.

Now, just to be clear, I do take some responsibility for this. I don't want to be one of those women that comes on here and posts a thread about how awful their husband treats them and how they are perfect saints in return. Working the way we had been for the past month was stressfull. And I know that there were times when my husband and I got into stupid fights over small things. But, when it was all said and done, apologies were exchanged and we were ok.

OK, so down to the problems. I'll list chronologically.

About 3-4 months ago I got upset because I found out my husband was IMing some 17 yr old in the UK.
We are both pretty big online gamers, so when he said it was someone he met on a gamesite, and was helping with her homework, I beilieved him. As weird as it sounds, this isn't the first time either of us has done this to help someone out. I believed him but I did tell hm that it bothered me, and I wasn't comfortable with it.
He said that he thought I was being silly but said he would stop if it really did make me that uncomfortable.

At the end of May, I found out he had been role playing with that 17 yr old again. This time he had given her his cell phone number, and they were texting back and forth. I found out because while he was in the shower, his phone went off and I picked up the phone to see who was calling becasue his phone is the one we use mainly for work related things.
It turns out herecieved a text message from Tim? but it was odd because it was role playing with some one who kept calling him master.
Two things wrong with this. 1) Tim? is the name of my husbands best guy friend who isnt into RPGs. 2) The number displayed was not Tims.
Of course this upset me very much, and I confronted my husband right then and there about it. There was nothing sexual in the texts, but the fact that he had given out his cell phone number to some girl online infuriated me. I told him it needed to stop. He promised that he would and said he didnt think I would get so upset and he deleted the number from his phone right then and there.

Last Tuesday night, I was going to wake my husband up with sex, it was like 2 in the morning, but I was in the mood. I was just about to start messing with him, when his phone went off. I checked it to make sure it wasn't our night clerk, but of course it was another text. This one sent from my little brothers name. The text said something about being "lonely stuck at my dads house for the week" I have custody of my little brother, and he was staying at a friends house that night. The number displayed was not my little brothers but the one that belonged to that girl.

I lost it. I admit that. I went through everything of his. I checked all of his email accounts that I knew of, I checked his Instant Messengers, I checked all of his gaming profiles.
He met this girl on (EDITED). It is a gaming site. He started talking to her and at first it was things like, "Help me out wuth this quest" and "can you helpme with my home work?". Normal stuff. But it changed into the two of them IMing constantly or texting, there was even a cam2cam chat at one point.
But the fact that he was hiding all of this didn't bother me nearly as much as what I read in those messages.
He would complain about how lazy and mean I am. He would tell her how much he loved her.
There was even one email about how much he loved her smile, and spent every moment of everyday waiting to get a text or email from her.
In one message she said that she despised me, this girl I had never met or talked to. And he told her he felt the same way too.
He told her he was saving up money to move up there sao that he could be near her.
And always he was saying how he hoped I would divorce him soon, and he couldn't way to be free.
And all the while he was sending these things to her, he was sending me texts saying he loved me, like he always did. And when we were home together, even if we were to tired to have sex, we slept wrapped around each other. And as far as I knew, every thing was ok. But the whole time, he was telling some other girl how much he loved here and her ed smile, and how much he couldn't stand me.

It hurt so bad. And it still does. I confronted him about all of it. I've never been one to just roll over and take it.
We spent a whole day talking. Me asking him what I had done to make him feel that he needed to turn to another person for affection. Him telling me that we haven't been able to spend enough time together, he was lonely, and that my behavior towards him had changed and I was becoming mean towards him.

Again, we both had been stressed because of work lately, and I know I snapped at him, but when I caught myself doing it I immediately apologized. If there were other times I snapped and didn't notice, I wish he would've said something, you know?
I want my marriage to work. When I said my vows, I meant them, and I believe we can work through this. He sadi he wants to work through it too.
He deleted all online accounts except for email account that doesnt have an IM feature. and to be fair I did the same.
I know the password to his email and he knows the pasword to mine.

He said he didnt have any problem putting all of this behind him and starting fresh. That's great and all but I do have a problem with it.

I can't stop wondering what this girl looked like. I can't stop myself from having a panick attack every time he gets a txt message. And every day this week I have checked his email.
I want to trust him, I really do. But I can't stop myself from being suspicious about everything he does, and I'm afraid that this behavior from me is going to cause even more problems. I hate feeling this way. I love him and I dont want to not trust him. I can't seem to start moving past all of this. I dont want to push him further away.
Does any body have any advice? I just hate the way I am right now and I don't see myself moving on anytime soon.