LLL ,Mr Devil’s Advocate. I agree with much of what you are saying, within certain limits. However, there are a lot of wounded people in the world. Many of them instead of learning, growing and moving on, just move in and dwell there. With some the wounds are visible - you know right off what you are dealing with. But others have hidden scars and things can seem fine for months, even years, until something triggers their old pain and everything changes.
Sometimes, when you have children with a troubled ex, for example, you are forced to keep dealing with the past. Some people handle it with equinimity, others fall into anger, resentment and fear. It's like the replay button has been pushed. Because you are there, in their life, you get caught in their emotional backlash. I'm dealing with that right now. This isn't the first time I've dealt with this kind of stuff. I didn’t want this. When we met, we spent hours and hours talking about relationships, how people interact, what we could/would to avoid the negativity we saw others dealing with and had experienced in the past. It was amazing, great, for a few months and then a couple things happened - he ran into an old gf who had screwed around on him, had some hassles with his ex, my ex popped up with some paperwork and in a matter of a day - the relationship changed. He quit being affectionate and just about closed off emotionally. This is a man who talks about living consciously. Who like yourself, thinks he's dealt with his issues. He hasn't.
The more time people spend on the planet, the more baggage they accumulate. Some lug it all around all the time, others keep it hidden in the closet and pull it out and dust it off now and then. Very few actually let go of it. It's an on going process. Maybe you are one of the fortunate, who grew up with lots of love and care, with no abuse, in the world of Leave it to Beaver. A world where any fears you had were irrational because you were never beaten, raped, or threatened. You may be right in that we have to speak the same language to really connect. It isn't just that birds of a feather flock together. Some of us speak a much tougher language because we've had much rougher lives. That isn't just a matter of male and female communication.
Growing up, some got a nice shiny set of life tools with someone there to help them out and get them more tools when they would be useful. Others got a bent screwdriver, a few sockets, and a ratchet that works sometimes and if they had some challenges dealing with life, got a hand - back handed. They can handle adversity that the first bunch can’t even fathom, but can react quite differently to situations. I have found they may also have trouble with a lack of adversity.
Our true growth occurs not in avoiding people with "issues" but in how we interact and support each other, help each other overcome and move past our stumbling blocks. There are a lot of hurting people in the world, we have to take them as they come. We don't have to marry them or live with them, but sometimes we figure out too far into it that theirs is the stuff of a Dr Seuss mess – so big and so deep and so tall, there is no way we can clean it up. We can't always just say tough luck, call me when you've figured it out. Not until we’ve given every chance we feel we can.
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