Where do I start?

**creative differences** · 11-30-2009 03:51 PM

So I don't really know where to start when it comes to birth control..

Although I'm 20 years old and have had a boyfriend for just over a year, I have yet to need birth control (i.e. I am a virgin). I am not a Christian (or even very religious at all), but have other moral and fear issues that keep me from having sex. While my boyfriend is amazingly patient with me, I feel like I often use the excuse of not being on birth control instead of trying to figure out my actual reasons for not wanting to have sex are. I feel like getting birth would force me to address my actual problems, but there's also the problem of acquiring it.

The main problem is that I don't have a regular doctor. I go to school far away from where I live (and have never needed to go to a doctor there), and when I go to a doctor at home I see a different doctor every time. I'm still a dependent of my parents so I don't have my own health insurance, but I also do not want them to pay for my birth control either. So what do I do?

This summer I stayed at school for a job I had there, and set up an appointment online with Planned Parenthood. I read up on the program they have for free birth control, but was still really nervous about the whole ordeal. I only became more disheartened when I went to the appointment because while the staff was nice, I felt very out of place, and found out that I would not qualify for the free program without a birth certificate or passport. My mom keeps both of these documents in a safety deposit box at the bank, and thus there is no way for me to get them unless I ask her to get them out for me (which of course leads to the question "Why?").

While I might be able to come up with a believable lie, I was wondering if anyone had any other ideas of what I could do? Despite having a job through the summer, I only made enough to pay for my living expenses, and during the year I'm not able to hold a paying job while going to school, so I cannot really afford to pay for anything without help from my parents. My boyfriend would probably be willing to pay for some of the cost if it came down to that, but he is also a student and his current job doesn't pay either.

Sorry for the long post! But if you have any advice, I'd really appreciate it!!

**LanaBear** · 11-30-2009 04:00 PM

I'm surprised by the Planned Parenthood requirements... Is there another office you could try or maybe call again to inquire?

Also, you could look for a community health office too. Most states have some information on the state website under Department of Health or something similar.

I'm not sure if going on BC would force your to address any problems though. For some, it's perfectly natural for them to wait to have sex, there is NOTHING wrong with that. You say it is moral issues keeping you from having sex, that is perfectly fine. That shouldn't be a problem that needs to be addressed. What exactly are your fears regarding sex?

**ReeNa8589** · 11-30-2009 04:13 PM

Originally Posted by LanaBear

I'm surprised by the Planned Parenthood requirements... Is there another office you could try or maybe call again to inquire?

Also, you could look for a community health office too. Most states have some information on the state website under Department of Health or something similar.

I'm not sure if going on BC would force your to address any problems though. For some, it's perfectly natural for them to wait to have sex, there is NOTHING wrong with that. You say it is moral issues keeping you from having sex, that is perfectly fine. That shouldn't be a problem that needs to be addressed. What exactly are your fears regarding sex?

Ditto...it is also perfectly natural for some to be on it for just as simple things as acne, so dont worry about that. Also you are great for waiting and making him wait. Things are not like they used to be and SOME women now-a-days think sex is nothing. As for women like me...your virginity is very special and dont do it unless your ready. Trust me YOU WILL KNOW when time is right. Your body always gives you hints there's something right and wrong...and for those who ignore their signs, hello karma.

**creative differences** · 11-30-2009 04:40 PM

I honestly couldn't tell you exactly what I'm afraid of. I could say getting pregnant, but I don't actually think that's it.

Part of it might be the fact that until last year when I was 19 and met my current boyfriend, I was pretty certain I was going to be alone (romantically speaking). It's not that I have self-confidence issues or have any mental disorder, but I feel like my perspective on relationships, love, and sex are a lot different from everyone else's. I like to be independent, I'm not very emotional, super rational, and I don't really crave any kind of sexual pleasure. Sure, it's great when it happens, but I'm also just as content without. It's not just a matter of waiting, I honestly don't know if I'll ever want to have sex. The idea of sex just seems unnecessary to me.

Finally being with someone has allowed me to open up and actually talk about my emotions (something I never thought I could do), but I still feel like I can express all my love for him without having sex. When people say "sex is the utmost expression of your love," I just don't believe it. Almost any two people can get pleasure out of having sex with each other, but only someone who really loves you can do considerate things for you or be there for you when you need it the most. I guess I'm afraid that by introducing sex, I'm taking out the pureness of a relationship that is not based at all on carnal pleasures.

As for the moral side, how do you know when to give up your virginity? The common sentiment is "you'll just know." I disagree. What will I know? That I love someone? My boyfriend is simply AMAZING; although he tries, he doesn't understand my aversion to sex even after all of our intense discussions about it, he never patronizes me or pressures me (despite also being a virgin and wanting to have sex). I've been sure that I want to lose my virginity him for 5 months, but I've yet to even entertain the thought of actually having sex. I know that it's normal to wait a long time, but with having a mental construct completely against the idea of sex, I don't know if time alone will be enough.

**ReeNa8589** · 11-30-2009 04:43 PM

I just think you are very nervous/worried on how if it will change the relationship and how?

**creative differences** · 11-30-2009 04:58 PM

I guess, but I am also fully content with sex not ever being a part of the relationship. Is that normal? And what if my boyfriend isn't okay with that?

**ReeNa8589** · 11-30-2009 05:13 PM

I am not positive that it is normal, but I do know my sex drive as a 20 year old sucks right now and I dont think I am normal either. Seems like thats the only thing the rest of the young population our age wants to do. Also heard the time you "do it" the most is in your younger years, so I dont know if I am even healthy/normal. What I do know is that it is normal for all women to not reach a vaginal orgasm every single time of sex or at all and thats something us women have that make us have no desire. It all depends on your guy. Some will accept not doing it because all they want is you and they will take care of "it" some other way. And some guys will leave in a heartbeat because they believe being mr. right and romantic will lead to it and then never getting it, makes them feel shot down and time wasted (hopefully yours isnt like that). All you can do is talk to him or maybe even give some hints that your not into or has no intentions for it and see how he reacts. Communication Communication Communication

**creative differences** · 11-30-2009 05:36 PM

first off, thanks for all of your help

we have talked about this issue A LOT, and the results are never too great for either one of us. i've told him that i don't see the point in sex, and that i'm perfectly content without it, but he thinks that by not having sex there's some part of me i'm not sharing with him. i don't know how long it'll take me until i want to have sex, and he doesn't know how long he wait, but it's not a topic that's always on our minds either. it's not very fun when it does come up though, and those are the only times we ever argue.

**ReeNa8589** · 11-30-2009 05:54 PM

Your welcome

Im sure everything will be fine and work out. This is kind of the same thing as me not wanting children...EVER! People call me crazy, but thats just my personal preference at the moment. We are not weird in any way and we dont have to be like everyone else. When and if we are ready, we will do it when the time comes. Nothing wrong with it in my opinion

**Mes T** · 11-30-2009 06:23 PM

Not wanting to have sex is perrrrfectly fine, and for some people that changes a lot as they get older. I remember a post from a woman here a little while ago which was basically, "Okay guys I've hit menopause and my sex drive is through the ROOF help what do I do."

Having said that, it could also be something medically going on, possibly. So in your next yearly gyno visit, I think it wouldn't hurt to mention this.

I can say this, though - it might be very hard to find a partner who shares the same views as you regarding sex or who is willing to not have it. Very hard.