http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/ en Thu, 16 Feb 2012 08:47:32 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.womens-health.com/boards/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/ http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/219-my-car-accident.html Tue, 18 Aug 2009 19:48:31 GMT Ok so I haven't talked much about this and I think that maybe if I actually just sit down and write about it then I will feel a little better and heal a little better.

So SuperBowl night while most people were partying etc (Feb 09) I was on my way home. My cousin was driving my two daughters and myself home. We got on the highway and saw an older man stuck and stranded on the entrance ramp. Well...we pulled over (by the way my cousin is a woman) and I got out of the car and asked the man if he was ok. Truthfully we thought maybe he just needed to use a cell phone. Everyone knows that older people are less prone to have a cell phone.

Well he said all he needed was a jack, since we had one in the car I said ok no problem. We advised him to move his car up because where he was situated was dangerous. He moved it up some (enough where he wasn't in any cars direct path)
Well he was having a hard time changing the tire and using the Jack so I asked him if he needed help. My cousin moved the car up so my girls and herself were in less danger. She kept a steady eye on me and I still had my cell phone. I called my SO who was very adiment that I needed to leave right then and there. He did NOT want me helping this man on the highway and made that very clear that he wanted me to get back in the car. I brushed off his direct demand as over reacting.
I hung up the phone and stood behind the mans car inbetween the blinking hazard lights. It seemed as if the older man was doing just fine now, when I turned back around to walk back to the shoulder of the highway I heard the older man scream "WATCH OUT"....Now I don't remember being hit however I remember hearing myself get hit...
I don't know how I got behind the car that hit me but I remember my legs feeling wet but yet I couldn't really feel anything else other than the wetness. I couldn't hear anything but my cousins voice screaming my name and saying Oh God
I remember trying to stand but I couldn't stand, then it was like I just snapped into the reality that I was just hit and the guy that was hitting me was backing up. Instinct took over and I started to crawl since I couldn't walk. The man that hit me was actually trying to back over me to escape. I saw the older gentleman whom I had helped trying to punch the window in over the driver who hit me. I assume to get him to stop the car. I saw another pedestrian come behind the car (on the side of me) to try and stop the car from being able to move. Thats when I stopped crawling because I was exhausted and just laid there.
I felt cold, everyone was talking to me and I could see thier mouths move but I couldn't hear them, the only person I could voice I could hear was my cousins. I don't know if its because her and I are close, but thats all I could recognize.
Mind you this entire time my then 2yr old was in her car seat sleep and my then 7yr old was watching everything. She thought I was dead....the police kept my cousin out of the car for 45mins... so for 45mins my baby girl was alone thinking her mother was dead with no information on what was going on. As soon as my cousin got back in the car the first question she asked was "is my mother dead"
They put me in the ambulance and took me to a trauma center. I had lost a piece of my thigh and had deep lacerations on my other leg, hip and butt.
My other cousin had to call my mother who didn't understand at first that I was actually (my body) hit by a car. She had to keep explaining to her over and over that I have been hit until it finally clicked in her mind.
Somewhere along the ride in the ambulance pain kicked in and I couldn't breathe it hurt so much! I didn't know where my girls were, no one was with me, I didn't know how to get a hold of my SO. My cell phone was lost (recovered by the cops and I still use it today...yea Google phone! it's tarnished but still works great which I take as a metaphore for myself! I will NEVER give this phone up, even if I don't use it I will still keep it) but I kept thinking..wow I'm alone

It took forever to get everything done they kept giving me more and more pain meds but nothing was working (this is when having a high drug tolerance sucks!...also I'm alergic to asprin so that limits what I can be given)

Finally my mother came in and she was shaking and crying. I tried to calm her down but she had already seen my legs so that was nearly impossible. I was tired and couldn't sleep, in pain and couldn't stop it...then my cousins came in and the docs came in. thats when I was told I wouldn't be able to walk for a very long time .... Needless to say it only took me 2wks to a month!

Also let me mention that the man that hit me was drunk and on cocaine when he hit me. His insurance has given me nothing but trouble and is refusing to pay any of my medical bills!

Now for the OMG you got to be kidding me part. This for whatever reason sticks out to me which is probably yet another reason why I can't trust men....

So when I finally got home I called my SO (remember I had lost my cell phone and couldn't remember his phone number I had to wait until I could calm down and get his number straight in my mind) (oh yeah because I had a concusion as well) I called my SO and told him what happened his response "So what exactly do you want me to do" except it was said very sarcastically with an indifferent undertone...then he dug into me..."I told you not to help that man, didn't I tell you it wasn't safe..what do you want me to do!" Yes ... he freaking screamed on me! So I did what any logical woman in my state would do...I lit into his asterisk! We broke up....so when I say we broke up for a couple of weeks before getting back together now you know why....and he slept with someone during that time...so thats why at times I'm ify about him. I realize he is not an emotional person, I realize he probably freaked and didn't know what to do, that I was seriously hurt and he felt helpless and protective at the same time...all of this I realized later but at that moment when I felt I really needed him...he wasn't there.

So now I'm in recovery stage...I've had one major procedure and 5minor procedures, i'm walking, at times I can run but only for short distances...i've gained a lot of weight since the accident but thats because I couldn't move for a while and when I did move it was only short distances. I have to go to the docs once a week to have my leg drained which sucks and is very painful, but i'm a fighter and you will never tell me I can't do what I know I can!

I just want to freaking loose this weight, i'm uncomfortable this way..I've always been big but not this big :(

Ok I've gotten this off of my chest....but nope don't feel better ]]> Ahryin http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/219-my-car-accident.html http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/208-childhood-memories-pt2-my-grandmother.html Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:46:16 GMT All morning I have been thinking about my grandmother. I thought it's about time I write something on here about her since most of my advice and views are influenced and stem from her (or my dad buts that a different blog)
My grandmother was gypsy, I'm sure I have mentioned it before. She traveled around most of the globe but mostly in Europe and Germany until she was brought here.

My grandmother was short..lol (just like me) she had long black hair (that later in her life she dyed brite red) it flowed well beneath her waist line. Her skin was like mine and she spoke with an accent but could also speak without one though she had to speak slowly when she did.
My grandmother lived every day of her life as if it was her last. She appreciated everything, every breeze, every rain drop and beam of sunshine. She was very in tune with nature and her surroundings. At the same time she was driven by the things unseen. She had a crystal ball that she took..EVERYWHERE with her! She read cards, tea leaves, palms...she just had this way about her. At the same time she was irresistable. She knew men and knew how to get exactly what she wanted from them. All except my grandfather that is. My grandfather was a pimp from NYC.
We still have NO clue how they met all we know is he took one look at her and took her. He said when he saw her he knew he didn't want any other man to ever have her.
My grandmother had a nasty temper about her and was a fighter true and through. When my grandfather was courting her he would lock her in the house naked and take all of her clothes. He said he was afraid she would run away if he didn't and he hadn't made her fall in love with him yet. So one day I guess he got cocky..or wanted to make her jealous (who knows) and he came to their home with one of his hoe's...my grandmother flipped and grabbed his shot gun and started running after him (still butt naked) through the streets of NY and over the George Washington Bridge.
After that my grandmother was looked at as the crazy woman in the neighborhood...needless to say..LOL

Whenever you looked at her..she just had this FIRE behind her eyes. She had a way of making the hardest things simple. It was amazing the things that she just knew. Things she had NO way of knowing.
I miss her a lot. For a portion of my life I turned my back on that part of me and I found that you can never really get away from the things that are just burried in your blood line. She, her teachings, her family teachings they are just apart of me.
She was brilliant! She spoke 4 or 5 languages and at times would mix them up...she also always forgot the English word for things which would always make me laugh.

My father adored her! When he was born she would carry him in a carry all bag wrapped around her neck and shoulder. My father had green and hazel eyes and wavy/curly hair. She was afraid he didn't look white enough and would be hurt if she didn't hide him. (My grandmother went through a lot in her lifetime) No one really understood this so they took my father and put him in an orphanage and foster home after foster home. He kept running away and would always find my grandmother. They just had that type of connection. My father and I shared the same connection.

I can't explain it, but its like your heart beats faster when you near the person..like you just know where to turn and where to walk and how to get to them. I define it as true love of souls. Finally I think the system just gave up on my dad and they stopped looking for him. He did everything he could for his mother and at times got into a lot of trouble. Whats funny is she would know before he even stepped foot in the door. My father would laugh and tell me...I don't even know how she knew! "She would scream at me and say I saw you with that girl" She would describe every last detail to my father but wouldn't leave the house that day so had no real way of knowing. It was amazing!
Most people didn't speak to my Grandmother unless they wanted something...so our family was very tight with each other, we grew up with the belief that we are all we have.
I just found it funny that the community could embrace my Grandmother behind closed doors when they wanted something done, a question answered or personal information of some type but was so judgemental in the open. I hated that! ]]> Ahryin http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/208-childhood-memories-pt2-my-grandmother.html http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/207-i-dont-even-know-how-classify-one.html Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:07:11 GMT It's time to set the record straight
No more apathy i'm walking through them pearly gates..

It's not the same just trying to stay up on my two feet but this medicine got me coming in and out of sleep
Seeing images...swear they coming after me..
Ghostly figures walking through the gates of H..e..LL in my mental frame they dwell taking everything I need to excell and inhale

Intoxicated by the promise of closed doors
don't think I can take much more
My life isn't the same without his presence maybe i'm insane but I heard my heart crack when the coffin clacked
Lost the fear of dying now I just think of it as flying
Dang..how much alk did I drink

When I walk I'm still standing still
When I run I'm still standing still
When I reach...the earth moves

so maybe I should just stand still ]]> Ahryin http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/207-i-dont-even-know-how-classify-one.html http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/202-childhood-memories-recollection-1.html Wed, 05 Aug 2009 13:35:16 GMT My brothers and sisters and I are very close its a ride or die theme. We don't always get along but on our worse day if someone else comes and attempts to mess with the family we could be screaming at each other and would literally shut up and turn on the one trying to hurt one of our family memebers.

I guess I was just raised different. I'm very assertive. I have had to fight my entire life (kinda like Sophia from Color Purple) When I was a girl I remember I lost a fight to a little boy. The little boy would always talk bad about me and push me pull my hair throw papers at me (I realize now he probably just liked me..lol) At first my cousins and one of my brothers were on the way to track the boy down. My father said "NO..she has to learn she can not loose and must depend on herself" The next morning he woke me up at 4:30am! I got dressed and we walked to the little boys house. He told me "you are going fight until you win. So if you don't win today you are going to come back tomorrow, if you don't win tomorrow you are going to come back the next day...and every day after that until you win. Life is hard and a chess game..you can not and will not loose."
I was scared out of my mind, he saw it in my eyes and told me..."Fear is never an option for you" He came with me to the door and knocked on the door when the boys father answered my father who stood 5'11 told this huge burley man who looked at least 6'3 6'4 and had to be double my fathers size that "I" was here to fight his son. He looked him dead in the eye and said your son beat my daughter yesterday and now she is here for a rematch and she will be here everyday until she beats him. Seeing my father stand there with his chest out not flinching made me proud. I remember feeling something stir inside of me and the fear started to disappear. Up until then I had always had my family to protect me. Dont get me wrong I did fight girls for my brothers because they weren't allowed to hit them. However they were always behind me.
The man was furious with his son for hitting a girl. He dragged him out of bed and we followed them into their backyard. My father took boxing gloves out of NOWHERE and put them on my hands and on the little boys hands. I had to be all of 9 years old.
Before we begun my father took me to the corner of the yard he crouched down so he was eye to eye with me and told me that this was a lesson I had to learn, that there would be a time when I had to depend on myself and myself alone. That as a young girl growing into a woman I would be constantly faced with trials and tribulations and had to find the Fire within myself to overcome any and all situations. That I had to see that no one can defeat me unless I allow them to do so. He kissed me on my head and gave me a hug and sent me towards the boy.
I remember this like it was yesterday. I believe its because this was the first of many lessons my father had in store for me. Life lessons that have contributed to the woman I am today. It amazes me that I was 9years old!
The boy had fear throughout his eyes writen all over his face. When I saw what fear actually looked like I knew I never wanted anyone to see that from me. So I went in. It only took two punches and down he went. I believe the little boy threw the fight..lol His father was standing right behind him and he walked up to me and said Your father is a smart man with a beautiful daughter. If my son ever touches you again, if any boy ever touches you remember what your father told you. Fight until you win!

For many years I thought about that fight. It was an awakening for me. The rest of the day shoot the rest of the week I walked with my head high and chest out. My family was patting me on the back ( let me also explain that I was the baby all of my brothers and sisters are a lot older than I am, my cousins of whom I will mention in blogs later to come were also like my brothers and closer to my age)

I guess my point for these blogs is to finally learn how to open up. Also I really like this site and I want my WH fam to understand what kind of woman I am and why I am this way. It is also self therapy. There are a lot of things I chose not to deal with because I don't know how so my thought patern is maybe if I give some background into who I am and what I have been through I can allow myself to be helped, help myself and hopefully help others ]]> Ahryin http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/ahryin/202-childhood-memories-recollection-1.html