Secrets of the Abyss

03-10-10

My co-worker, mentor, "mother", friend and critic died last night. We weren't told of the reasons yet as of this time. My building administrator just relayed to us that she was found by her husband unconscious.

I thought it was her I saw in her classroom this morning, I almost went in to say hi and give her a hug. Since I moved into another classroom, she and I have been playing hide-and-seek. I have always meant to drop by her classroom and chat with her or just hug.

Last Monday, as I walked past her at the hallway, she saw me and remarked that she doesn't see me anymore. I know, I could have grabbed that time, but I became a little distant, or maybe just stressed about my personal legal issues.

This is one of those incidents in my life that, to me, makes me adhere even more to my philosophy of living each day as my last.

Life is short and should not be wasted. If I love someone, I make sure that everyday I let them know of it. I make them feel it and hope that they appreciate what I do.

This one though, with Kay...I failed to be consistent about it. I know I was able to let her know, I am not guilty, nor do I regret anything. I just know that it will never be the same.

She had been the only mother I had physically here with me when I was in the dark moment of my life. She nurtured me, was patient with me, even professionally.

I will get over this, I am confident. But as of this moment, I need to purge and process so that tomorrow, I can face my students better. I need to be strong. I need to have a "game face" for all the students in my school. I have to be ready to handle her classes and even her caseloads.

My sweet husband, he is very supportive. I missed answering his calls, I didn't realize my phone was ringing...no, I didn't hear it ring at all. After driving by the park today, I went to my favorite alterations shop and had 2 dress pants hemmed. Then I decided to go and workout to feel the pain physically and at the same time keep up with my exercise regimen.

After this, I drove to the mall and looked around. Next thing I knew, I was fitting a cute dress top - I bought it, and maybe wear it on Friday. Anything to put my mind off of it I will do.

But see, my whole mind and body do not coordinate well. I broke my phone. It fell on the concrete parking lot. I called OKC and had a replacement arranged. Oh, dear!

Ahhh...such is life. We live and die. It's her turn. I hope she lived a happy life despite all her problems.

I don't want to pass this world not being able to cherish every moment with my love. I want to give my all and let you feel it whenever I can, because we'll never know what tomorrow brings.

I want to run into my loving husband's arms right now and bury my face. Feel his calming heartbeat and listen to his melodious breathing.

I look forward to the day that I can do these every time I want to.

I still,

I am,

Living each day as my last.