CrystalChord

I don't know what I'm doing now. I'm 22, it's my birthday, and I am sitting in my room, on WebMD's Symptom checker of all things.

I've been concerned about some pain behind my left eye, and now there's pain in my upper left abdomen, sometimes gnawing. I am also belching a lot and had about four slices of very greasy pizza, and I want to chalk it up to heartburn. I try so hard not to think of it, and I want to be healthy, but it's terrifying me.

I think I have some sort of anxiety disorder. My panic attacks a couple days ago (I had two within six hours, which is pretty new to me), left me with the sensation of my skin crawling, pins and needles, like someone had dropped me in a tiny glass room full of ants and spiders, which didn't go away until yesterday, really.

In "King's Quest VI: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow" there was a puzzle in the minotaur's labyrinth in which you had to step on the proper pattern of tiles in order to safely make it to the next room. If you stepped on the wrong tile, you fell through and it was "Game Over." I feel like I'm in that room (which, actually, was my least favorite part of the whole game). I can see the other doorway and how happy I can be, but I'm sitting on the floor in a ball in front of the locked entrance, and I'm too afraid to take any steps forward because I fear falling through.

It's like staring into the face of a dragon, ringed with lightning and a voice like thunder, beating at the walls of your castle every day and night without tiring. I'm the trapped princess, but no prince can come save me. My castle is too far for anyone to reach. I can only save myself, and yet I am too afraid to face it for fear I'll be swallowed up.

I'm always afraid something will happen to me, or someone I love, and it's becoming maddening. I am home alone all day almost every day until about 4, and I have no one to talk to during that time. I become incessantly obsessed with my health. It's been going on for a year now. I was worried about my health on my birthday last year, too. I don't want every birthday coupled with a fit of nerves and tied up with a bow of anxiousness! I want to be sane again. I want to not worry about every ache and pain and twinge.

I don't know why I'm so afraid. Maybe it's because last year I turned 21 and I realized I had to grow up, at least a little. Maybe I'm afraid of growing up.

I wish there was a way to get to Neverland. I want to fight pirates and swim with mermaids, play with lost boys and fly with Tinkerbell. I want to stop worrying about the real world most days and get lost in my own dream world.

Tomorrow I may actually do something grown up and clean my room more. Anything to get my mind off of my anxiety.

Happy Birthday to me.