I never knew how much I still loved him...

Wow! So much has happened! I look back on the last month and so much has changed.. with me.. with my life.. with everything.
I've been goign through such an awful time lately as I have repressed all feelings for my ex. but i can't deny how I feel anymore.. I stil love him.. deeply. I've been blockng these feelings for a long time.. before we split even. Very confusing. I went to see him 2 weeks ago and he actually thanked me for leaving. For "shaking things up" so he could figure himself out and his part in the relationship. I mean... who's ever thanked you for leaving them??? It's a first for me.
At the time I stil repressed my real feelngs.. I didnt want to be affected by what he was tellng me. I talked with my mom about everything. She said that I needed to sit down and write a list of what I want/need from the next relationship. She wanted em to separate everything into two columns. First column "Core Person" and the secnd "Small / Petty but Important". I did.. and realized that I'd already ad what I'd wanted. I just wasn't willing at the time to admit it and try to fix the relationship. I pulled a classic Danielle and just ran.. ran and ran and ran. I'm not saying that the problems with the relationship were all me.. definatey no.. he had a part to play in it as well. But realistically.. I gave up.. I didnt want to see what I had.. I stopped caring. but I've stil continued to love him.. Darn me!!! Life woudl be much easier.
I've made mistakes since leaving.. I ran right into the arms of soemone else. I couldnt handle anyone's emotions..I just wanted that physical connection.. with no emotional attachments. Yeah... I rebounded. It backfired.. this other person fell for me.. scared me o death!! He kept callng me "the one". Good lord! It had only been 2 weeks. I wil admit.. I played algn for a little while.. tryign to force an emotion that I didnt have for him. Didnt work. It only made me more miserable.. made me think ore about what I hd lost. So now I've hurt two people that I care about.. all so I could live wild and crzy.. which I stll havent dne.. not much of a partier anyways.
I went to see me ex a couple nihts ago... I had to tel him hw I felt.. I was going a little crazy with all these emotions inside of me. We had a great time. I'm sure I've said this before but he was always my best friend.. a prson that can make me laugh no matter how upset I am.. our sense of humor is so silmar! After a couple hours I told him everything I'd been feeling.. abut him and our relationship. He looked as if I had slapped him! He was shocked.. e kept tellgn me that he thought I didnt like him much less love him anymore. Hard to hear. But nothing compares to what I felt that I had to tell him. You se. I've been holding a secret inside for a couple years. it's ben killing me. 2 years ago I was away on a business trip and I was let out of our meeting early.. I went to th bar to kill some time before I went to bed and came home the next day. I got really smashed and was flirting with the bartender. At this time my b/f and I were having similar problems.. I felt that he didnt make me feel special/loved/appreciated. I guess I was just lookign for that emotional part in soemoen else that I couldnt get at home. I was too drunk to walk. so the bartender offered to take me to my room.. stupid me.. I said yes. When he got to the room he tried pullgn a few moves.. i told him "no" but he still continued. I think I either passed out or blacked out at that point because I dont remember anything except "waking up" and he was... um... having his way with me. I told him no and tried to get him off me but he was too strong. Thank god I passed out again... I didnt wake up this tiem untl morning.. and he was gone. I felt so used and dirty.. i think I took a 2 hour shower. didnt help. I felt so awful that I never told anyone this until I told my mom a couple weeks ago. I was havign panic attacks, stomache problems, insomnia because kept this from him. Because I never told him.
I finally told him... that was the hardest thign I ever had to do! I also told him abotu my rebound. It was hard but had to be done.. if we were to get back together I couldnt live with those secrets anymore. Because I want to start over with him. I want to see where this will go. I still love him. For better or worse there it is.