My journey

Today is day two. Day 2 after I got indirectly dumped by my ex!
I have had three relationships. The last two I was being used as a dormat. Doormat involved cooking for them, never getting angry no matter what,
Giving them money, buying gifts which cost me my whole salary. I realise I was very insecure. Thus trying to compensate and be too good so they won't leave me.
Unfortunately they all took advantage of me! The first just dint appreciate me, the second was terrible. He kept cheating I kept forgiving, finally it got to a head when he drove me back (I travvelled eight hours to see him) becos this other girl was coming.
Funny enough, I stayed back for a bit after that. I even apologised for being unreasonable! Now I look back and wonder why. I left him later on though. He has been begging and proposing for the past two years.
I wonder, why do they only beg when am gone? Is it impossible for someone to appreciate me while I am there? The both of them have been begging me with passion!
Anyway my third bf, he was nice, as usual I tried to compensate. Apologised for everything I did. Begged him whenever we quarrelled, cooked, cleaned, took food to him at work, washed, ironed, helped him with his office work, gave him money whenever he was broke.
But he never appreciated. He kept telling me he was not sure if he wanted us to end up together. I wld break up with him, and he would say okay. I would beg him to come back. The last five times.
Recently we broke up again, he said he wanted us to come back, while I give him more time to get mentally ready. . I agreed. He said I meant the world to him.
Then the next morning I was in for a shock!

he used my laptop to open a mail.
When he was done, I collected his laptop, his box still open. I know I shouldn't have, but I saw a mail from him to his bestfriend.
I opened it. His friend has been dating a gril for two years and was telling my ex that he wanted to marry her,
But wanted to wait a year so he could make more money. Here is the reply my ex sent:

I think you should marry tracy if u love her.
I always wish I was still with chrerise(his ex).
I would have married her whether I had money or not.
If u guys really love each other you should get married.
There is no point waiting


I was so heartbroken when I saw this that I broke into tears. This is someone who had told me the night before that I was the best thing that happened to him.
And here he was telling his friend that he wishes he was still with his ex.
I started crying and asked him to explain.
He stood up and started shouting on me, asking me why I read his mails, and said he was leaving.
I was so confused and started begging. He walked out on me, left me there crying.


I kbow what I did was wrong by checking his box, but at least couldn't he have respected me enough to explain?
I feel so down. I sent him a text telling him its finally over between us.

I did everything I could to this guy, I loved him, but he never appreciated.
He didn't bother replying. I cried a bit, but picked myself up. I am going to be strong. I want to change. Tired of the roller coaster of being taken advantage of. This is my diary.