Healing

My life is falling part some days and other days its amazing.

Recently i've been struggling with failure... Am I failing in my current relationship? Why is our communication so hard. Why can't we talk? Why when I express myself does he always go on the defensive? Why won't he just listen and let what i'm saying sink in and just sit with what i'm saying instead of making it into a battle? Why does he see me as then enemy when all i've ever tried to do is help him and love him. Is he not ready to be loved?
I hope all i've ever done has benefited him in someway.

He has already broken my heart.... i've told him this he blows it off... is it the anti depresants that make him so flat lined that he can't see the pain he causes others or is he just that duh?? He was in a serious accident and has a brain injury... is it his brain injury or is he just that crass... He says things to the people he expects to be there for him that would cut a person in two... then acts all disappointed when people don't come thru for him . Does his brain injury make him unaccountable for his behavior?

Is he just a psycopath? some of his behavior leads me to believe he could very well be.

I'm strong enough that this is him and its not me... I now understand why people fall out of love.... I never understood that before... dumping your negative emotions on your lover each day does this....... you become detatched from your emotions so you don't have to feel anything when they open up their mouth to dish out some more hurt and pain. When they speak before they think.

He always wants to make me accountable ALWAYS and if I tell him that isn't my stuff he is "oh yes cause nothing is ever your fault" that is his favorite line to me. I know myself I know what's mine.... he doens't seem to realize what is his BS .

I'm tired of living this BS I"m tired that this BS affects my life every day...... he asked me last night do i hate him. I told him with all honest I didn't hate him..... That I believe he actually hates me.

He does too he is sooo jealous and moody. The sad part is the girl that was after him hard core when I still had a BF and wasn't interested drove him to me. She thought by all her lies and bs and negative comments about me she would have him eating out of her hand.... She drove him to me...... I believe it was his hatred for me that made him want to love me. " he hates women witht he Princess sysndrom" He makes fun of them on the street.
He hates these women cause they think something of themsevles he sees it as a threat.... he wants to knock them down a peg or two.. he wants them to hate themselves as much as he hates them.

I've never been with anyone that hates me so much.

I'd like to believe this is untapped passion he has for me and he expresses it negativly to try and control his feelings and not get lost in love and get blind sided and hurt.

He is afraid he will lose his heart in this...... he is never emotional he never tells me heart to heart things... he keeps it locked up tight.

He is the one missing out on great love of life and to be loved back. I guess I'm missing out by being with him. I've learned even more so to love myself and its made me better and stronger...

Maybe that s why he hates the princess girls... he thinks its fake and phoney love of self that deep down they really don't so he wants to see what he can uncover.... I do love myself and I stand behind everything i'll back it up any given day of the week.

WE've had a werid two weeks with his meds being off..... really werid.