Vacillating

So, I have posted threads about how I am falling in love with an inmate. I call him Nate. He is an ex-boyfriend of mine who I dated when I was 17. Four years later and I find out he is looking at ten years, and I come to realize that I am falling in love with him all over again, through our visits at the jail, through our letters, and our phone conversations.

He will possibly be out in less than another year, so I'm not tripping about that. I just wanted to post a blog about what has happened to me recently to bring me to my final conclusion.

He told me the last time I visited him at the jail, "I have been in here for 210 days. If I can wait in here that long, you can wait out there for me." That sort of hit hard because I wanted to tell him, "Okay, okay, I will wait on you." But instead, I went home that night and invited a guy over to hang out with.

This guy was more of an acquaintance, someone I had met a few days before. he asked to come over, so I let him over. We had a few drinks, and then, he started making the moves. At first, I kept refusing him. He'd try to kiss me and I turned my head. I told him I didn't want to do anything, that there was a guy in my life that I really liked. But he just kept on pushing me to kiss him and let him hold me. Eventually, we went into the bedroom, and although I didn't want to have sex with him, I did.

And after he left and went home, all I could see was Nate's face flashing before my eyes. At that moment, I wanted Nate in my life so badly, but he was locked away, and I was here alone. And all I wanted was for him to be out. It was like a gunshot went off, and I suddenly had all the patience in the world to wait on him.

I thought, at first, that waiting on Nate was going to be the last thing I wanted to do. But after I hooked up with this guy, I realized, that it was actually what I wanted. I know now that I don't want to hook up with anyone else. Nate is who I want and who I'll have.

Why does it always take a mistake to realize the truth?