Vacillating

Nathan will be getting out this month, in exactly twenty-three days. I have not heard from him since about July, when he sent me his last letter. I can't say that those feelings I've had for Nathan are still the same. As I was reading my other two blogs, that became very apparent. Sooo much has happened since I've last seen Nathan in March.

I met this guy at a bar named Elijah and started seeing him. We weren't ever together or even really dating, but he was a big part of my life for the next four months after I met him. I became very drawn to him. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and having a really hard time letting go of her. He told me he did not want to be in a relationship, but insisted that we still see each other and even asked me to be patient with him. I realized later I was just his toy on the side, something to occupy his mind. To make Elijah's story in my life short, I'll leave out all the details about what happened and why I stopped seeing him. Eventually, he moved back in with his girlfriend, and I was forgotten in his life.

As of now I am seeing this guy named Erik. Ironically, he is currently incarcerated. Except Erik isn't really locked up like Nathan. He is in a halfway house. I met him at work about a month ago. I pick him up from his penitentiary to take him to work, and I pick him up from work to take him back to prison. In between that during the small allotment of time that we have, we hang out at my house. I really like him, but I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that he is locked away. I think this has a lot to do with Nathan and my failure to wait for him. The only time I see him is at work, when I'm clocking out and he's clocking in, and at the other times when I am his ride and we chill at my place.

What goes through my mind is this: Nathan gets out in twenty-three days. Erik gets out in five months. I feel like I cannot commit to Erik because I failed to commit with Nathan. Once Nathan gets out and realizes that I am seeing another inmate, he will be pissed. Nathan is going to want to be in my life so much, he will feel betrayed that I have committed myself to another inmate. I haven't yet told Erik this. So, if anyone wants to give me any bit of advice over that situation, it will gladly be accepted.

Other than that, my life has been good. I got a little lost in some financial issues, but now that I am making some money every day and I'm living in a new apartment where rent is dirt cheap, I should be getting caught up in no time, and that is a weight that is slowly but surely being lifted from my shoulders.