thack

This is the 2nd blog I have ever posted, (I did it on myspace first--got some good feedback, so I figured I would share it here)



Looking Back
Current mood: focused


A lot has happened in my life time, it has definitely not been an easy road to where I am today, and today is by no means a picnic. But I am here, and this is what is laid out in front of me, so that is what I have to deal with, overcome and grow from. I am being handed this grave task and situation for a purpose, I am to learn from it, and figure out where to go from there. There are certain aspects of what is going on in my life today that cannot change, namely my son, Alex. Without me, there would be no Alex, and without ~her~ there would be no Alex, so I refrain from trying to hate her for what is going on. Instead I pray for her, so that she may find her way because I know that we all need help from time to time, and sometimes for those who will not ask, you must offer and pray for them. So, I pray.

I have been looking back at a lot of things, much further back then my time as an adult. I have been looking at a lot of things during times where I have some time to just sit and ponder stuff, and remember. I have said a lot of things to people, and I have even done some things to people that I regret. I have never been an evil person or a "bad" person though. A lot of the things I am sorry for are just miniscule acts that we probably all did at one time or another during our lifetime. And I have made peace with all of those from my childhood, no regrets from childhood. I had a good father growing up and he endured a lot of things in order to make my family as happy as we could be, and as comfortable as we could be. If I take anything from my childhood, it's that if you are going to dedicate yourself to something and feel that it's meaningful and worth it, family is just that.

I then look at my adult life so far, and honestly, no regrets. I would do better if I got a second chance, but I would not change much. I am still learning, as we all are, every day is a new experience, a new adventure and we need that to grow into the people we want to be. Searching for one's self is not an easy task, but you must start where you want to finish it seems, if you wish to be successful in your task.

I do not feel like a failure because of where I am right now in life. I did not fail, I am who I am, there are things about me that I can change, but I can never change ~who~ I am. And I do not want to change ME. I have done things that I am happy with and done things that I disappointed myself in doing, but never did I do anything that would be considered horrible, or dishonorable. I can look back at my 8 years as an adult, and do it without guilt. I tried when I was supposed to try; I loved when I could, I was a friend when I was needed, and I supported when there was someone who needed support. I was and still am an honorable man, loyal to those who have earned my loyalty, and a true friend to those that I count as friends as well. I can look back, and knowing what I know now, sleep at night peacefully.

So, where am I going with this? I am not really sure, there is so much rolling around in my head right now, seeing how people show their true colors when they are scared, how people would rather avoid then remedy, it's very odd. And this is not directed at anyone in particular, I am just remembering over the years, all the people who I have seen do this. More people than probably realize, do this. , I was guilty of it myself for a while, instead of dealing with an issue, looking for a solution, I just removed myself from the problem, thinking that "ok, now I'm not in this, the issues will all go away". But that is not the case, and I am learning that more than anything else right now. I have said it before in a different blog, fight for what you believe in. Don't blow your friends off, they mean well, and your family only has your best interests in mind, but in the end, you have to live with yourself.

When it's all dark and no one else is around, it's you who you have to talk to. (Yeah, sounds crazy I know lol) But, you will always be your worst critic and never your biggest fan, it's just human nature. So, listen to your friends and know what they are telling you, but remember, it's not THEIR life that they are dealing with, they are trying to live their dream of "being the stronger person" and do what they think they should do in your situation, but do you really think that they could do it themselves? People react differently in every situation, especially ones that are very difficult and life changing.

And I would just like to take this moment, to thank all my friends and family for their thoughts, opinions, and help through all of this. I valued your opinions and I had to make my own choices, and I must live my life that way. And when you need me, I will be there for you, to offer you my experiences and thoughts, and what I have learned. But I will not try to make the decision for you, for that is not my task, that is yours alone and you must take that step on your own.

-Ty