WildChild

Thoughts can come at the oddest times. Sitting in an empty room tapping at a scraper with a hammer can actually be a good time to think, it's mindless, repetitive activity. What came to my mind recently was the people we get into relationships with and who we and they bring into it. We all come with family and freinds, maybe children, but I'm not talking about that. How many relationships have you been in where it's you, them and their anger? Or the two of you and one or both of your ex's, that can be unavoidable if you have children from a prior relationship, but do either or both of you bring them every where? Not physically but emotionally or mentally? For example, the two of you are spending an afternoon, viewing an exhibit, watching a movie, just spending some time together and out of the blue comes the remark, "You want a b.....? You can have my ex!" Huh? What? That certainly ensures that whatever mood there was is altered. You know they aren't there with you, they are with the ex and mad at them too. So that afternoon it is you, them, their ex and their anger. Personally I'm not into threesomes, let alone foursomes.

Thinking about it I've done it too. We all do. It's a matter of situation and degree. In my first marriage, he and I both brought in a lot of extra people. I had the guys that raped me, the bf before him who had was insanely jealous and treated me abominably and a family history of abuse. He brought his alcoholic father, controlling mother and ex gf who was the love of his life and dumped him. Later he brought in several other women. No wonder it failed - altogether too many people in the bedroom and every place else. My last marriage was populated by his mother (and a load of blame) his cheating ex-wife, his child (who was expected and loved, his unconfirmed belief and anger that they weren't biologically his wasn't welcome) and every woman who had ever rejected him - he hadn't asked many out or dated many so they all got to come along. I brought my kids, their father who wasn't there by my choice but whose difficult and demanding behavior forced it's way in. My spouse also drug in any and all past relationships that I had that he knew of and made something of them.

I have an idea this sort of thing happens more often than not. This is a toughie, this balancing act of learning what there is to learn from a failed or past relationship and moving on without bringing along all the baggage. As we get to know someone, part of it is sharing some of our past experiences. It gives insight into each other's lives and history and explains some of our sensitivities, responses and needs. It helps increase mutual understanding and trust, it forges bonds of similar experiences as well. When it cannot be simply shared objectively and then left as the past, it can become a serious problem in the present.

In theory as we mature emotionally we should get better at letting go of the old stuff, better at looking at it more objectively. We humans are emotional beings and have a hard time doing that. Pain is pain, regardless of our age or posistion in life, it can hurt as bad at 30 or 40 or 70 as it does at 15 or 20 - sometimes worse because it is added on to layers of other hurts and experiences.

What is the worst thing we can do with this? Dwell in it, hold on to it, revisit it without additional learning - just spending time in the pain and unfairness, refreshing the wound, rebuilding the hurt. It's easy to do, we all do it ant some point but it can become a habit and that is unhealthy. It hurts us rather than helps us grow and it hurts those around us.

One of my goals is to get to the point that I can have a relationship that has large blocks of time that is just me and a man whom I care for. I know sometimes there will be others in there physically or emotionally but I want to be able to have time when it is just two of us. Two spirits having an enjoyable physical experience with just each other on the beautiful planet earth. How? I'm still working on it, but like the random thoughts that can drift in while you are meditating, I expect it is a similar process, one of just saying, "ok, thank you for sharing" and let it drift on out.