WildChild

This topic comes up frequently and is a biggie. Given the stats, it is the elephant in the livingroom, Statistically in the US by age 40, depending on the definition, 1 out of 4 of women have been raped and 1 out of 8 men. This means not only that we are all surrounded by people who have been raped or molested but that we are also in daily contact with rapsits and molesters. I can't personally validate all the stats, I honestly think that some defintions of rape include cases that are more a matter of
ambivalence, poor boundries or regret. But even with those discounted, it is a huge problem that cuts across gender, social, religious, and cultural lines. It is a worldwide problem.

Historically it has been and still is part of conquest and demoralization in war and times of strife. In most places even today, when we are so "enlightened", we still punish the victims. Their lives are ripped apart and examined in court, their dress, consensual sexual activity, and behavior in every part of their lives is held up to public examination. While the rapist (96% male) is generally not subject to such detailed scrutiny, what is looked at is whether he was in the right place at the right time, is there physical evidence to link him to it?

In many places today, female victims may be put to death, on the assumption that they have shamed their families and that if they were good women, they wouldn't have been in a place, at a time, when the rape could have happened; even if it is incest or the rapist broke in. In the past the Christian church required a single woman to marry her rapist or suffer severe penalities (things like death). Given all this it is no wonder we have problems dealing with rape and molestation.

I was gang raped in my early teens (this was more than 35 years ago). It is a devistating experience. What I found was that there was No support from other girls. They didn't want to admit it could happen, to hear about it, or to talk about it. Seeking help at home or from adults was not an option at that time. The young men I knew had no difficulty believing it had happened or that it was devistating. They were my support. Their responses varied from caring support to the idiocy of; didn't you really kind of enjoy it? The later came from their own desire that some girl would "force" them to have sex. I dealt with years of gossip though and wild tales, and in some ways that was more difficult than the rape.

Rape isn't about sex. Rape is about power, control, devaluing and demeaning. It reduces the victim to a tool to be used and abused. It is frightening, I can't speak to a one on one situation, but 8 to 1 you really are powerless and would be regardless of gender or size. I was fortunate that the damage was emotional, not physical, they could easily have mutilated or killed me.

Rape invokes a complex range of emotions; you have had taken by force, something that should be yours to share, in trust and love, that isn't just intercourse. In my own case I was physically immobilzed and silenced, held down by 4 young men, a hand over my mouth, to some that might be erotic if they submit to it by choice, to have done involuntarily, by force can be extremely damaging. We spend our childhoods and many of us, parts of our adulthood, striving for self mastery and control, to have it ripped way so easily by others, leaves us lost with a sense of having no control. Reactions to this may include a need to control and organize everything we can and a sense of actual or near panic when things seem to be moving out of control. I went through years of hyper cleanliness and organization; every book in it's place, every record in order, a code on the calendar to track what I had worn and done every day. I needed to feel that there were things in my life that I could control, even though they were small things.

I probably would not have made it to the end of 9th grade, let alone finished HS without help. Granted I didn't get professional help but I had a some of young men (one in particular for nearly 4 years) who were watching out for me, protecting and willing to talk and listen. Maybe teenaged boys aren't the best at that, but for me, they made all the difference. Victims of rape need to talk, they need to explore their feelings, need to vent, to cry to do what it takes to release, let go and be able to move on.

Repeatedly here, we get women and some men, looking for ways to recover, to learn to trust and to learn to take pleasure in their bodies and in sex. There isn't any one way that fits all in anything. But I will share some of my perspectives on this and some what helped me. I will state that I am multi orgasmic, love sex and am pretty much turned on ready all the time - with the right man. I still have some trust concerns. There are things I won't do, I haven't yet had a relationship with the level of trust needed. But then those are things that many people won't do, such as allowing myself to be physically restrained.

I see several things that go on with post rape situations. First of course, is health; making certain you haven't gotten any diseases, aren't pregnant, and haven't been physically damaged. I'm not going to address the legal aspects, whether to contact the police, press charges and dealing with all of that. I have some opinions on it but haven't dealt with it first hand. What I can share is dealing with and recovering from being victimized by rape and it applies to other areas as well.

In general we, and the people around us can be not only our best help and survival tools for recovery but also just about our worst enemies with it. Why? Because of responses that will further the damage and prolong the time it takes to move forward. There is an initial period of time in which the victim is in shock, literally. My memory is still a bit iffy; like a jig saw puzzle, the pieces are there, some are put together here and there, sections of the whole. Others pieces or sections of the picture (two, maybe three) are missing, My so called boyfriend who was involved in it, may have raped me after the others had left the room - or not, I don't know, the only person who knows is him. A boy I knew, showed up afterwards and got me out of there, I don't know what I would have done otherwise, I was kind of robotic at that point, I could follow simple directions but wasn't capable of self directed action. I was shut down, in emotional shock. As I understand it, this sort of reaction and fragmented memory is not uncommon with trauma; emotional or physical. Some memory is graphic, finely detailed, some is more general and other memory is simply not there. Personally I concluded there was nothing to be gained in trying to recover it, It wouldn't serve me and would distract me from moving forward.

My personal belief is that the best thing to do is to give yourself some (not lots but some) time to just be and work through accepting what has happened and calming down. Then you have to start letting go and moving on. What often happens is the victim retreats into just wallowing in it, revisiting, dragging it around, examining it, picking at the scabs so to speak. This doesn't serve you. Chances are the person(s) who did it are long gone, although more often than not they are someone you knew or thought you did, at least an aquanitance. You are essentially hauling a construct of them and what they did to you around with you everywhere. YOU revictimize yourself, over and over. You replay it, you poor me yourself, without realizing it. You put yourself in a box. Initially you may need that to protect yourself as you heal but at some point you have to break out of that or you will warp yourself.

You cannot let the rape define you. It isn't you. It didn't happen because you are flawed. It didn't happen because you deserve some sort of punishment. It didn't happen because you did something you shouldn't. It happened because someone else is a screwed up A hole, who is trying to give themselves a feeling of power, of significance, of control. It really wasn't about you, it was about them and their problems. You have to decide that you aren't going to permanently make their problem yours.

Those of us who have dealt with other abusive situations, especially from childhood, do have another layer or two or three to deal with. Having been conditioned from our beginnings to be the whipping post, the recipient of someone else's frustration, anger and impotency, we have more trouble letting go of a sense of responsiblity for what is done to us by others. Or perhaps it isn't a sense of responsibility so much as an unquestioned resignation to being mistreated. An individual who comes out of an emotionally healthy environment where they have been respected and not abused, will probably respond differently and recover and move on much more effectively. I suspect they are much less likely to be targeted. Predators among all creatures have an uncany ability to spot the vulnerable, having been trained to take abuse, they are less likely to effectively fight back or resist, at any point. Recognizing your own vulnerability is the first step to self protection and healing. Knowing that this isn't something you were born with but rather what you were born into and trained to, helps you move past it. Recognizing that this runs in families, taught generation after generation, helps too. The abuser grows up to abuse. The molested grows up to molest and rape? More probably than encountering the occasional person with a miss-wired brain. So know that those who did this have a problem. Your problem is keeping them out of your life and your mind. Developing a healthy sense of self can help. Knowing who you are, what you want and your value, will make you less attractive to predatory indivduals. This of course is above and beyond physical matters of personal safety.

How do you do this? The mind is both simple and complex. You program yourself or are programmed daily. Things presented with high impact or drama are absorbed more quickly. Things repeated over and over are absorbed. Unless you consciously sort through it all, your brain makes no distinction between what is or isn't true, it just accepts what it is presented with. Your self talk is a huge factor, what you say about yourself to yourself is huge. You have to change it. You have to make conscious choices. You can chose to let go of the negative, to quit carrying it around. The other thing I think you have to do is to forgive.

Forgiving doesn't make it alright and doesn't mean you forget. Forgiveness lets you let go of it and give it back to the person who wronged you. Giving it back doesn't mean revenge, think of it more like returning something borrowed or left behind. "Here, this is your ugly emotional stuff, you carry it". It's very freeing to do this. The most effective way I've found is writing letters, the instructions for this can be found in a number of books written by counselors, John Gray's, Mars and Venus books have very good instructions for this. Go through the process and then write a note of forgiveness, send it if you can, no return address or anything, it's not about dialog, it's for you to let it go, not for them to discuss or argue it with you. If they want to appologise fine, but don't be waiting for that. You are about moving on, not getting stuck in another spot.

Visualisation is good too. I actually did some very physical stuff with this. Picture yourself walking down a road (life) laden with a huge wagon or wheelbarrow load of stuff. You are using your energy to move all this with you everywhere you go. The stuff is people who hurt you, abuse, rape, anger, frustration, pain, self doubt and hatred, gossip, poor choices, all kinds of junk. How much does this weigh you down? What happens when you bring this to work with you, into relationships, bring it to bed with you, take it to school, hand it to your kids? It affects every part of your life. Visualise that. Feel what it is doing to you and those around you.

Now see yourself letting go of it.

Chances are you won't be able to just let it all go, all at once. But try sorting through it, see what you can readily leave behind, what can you give back? Return to sender? This is what a good counselor should be able to do, rather like hiring a personal organizer who comes in and hauls off 9/10ths of what's in your closet to Goodwill. They can help you recognize what needs to be gotten rid of, they may even pry your fingers off from around it. You may feel insecure about letting it go. It's Your stuff, you've had it for so long! This isn't anything you will ever find a use for. You won't need it when you redecorate. It will never come back in style. It not only doesn't fit you, it never did. It's only comfortable because you are so used to it. All that you are allowed to keep is a photo, so you can share your story (as I am and maybe help someone else let go and heal).

How to reinforce this with a physical action? I did it walking. Picked up the biggest rock I could carry while walking. It was tiring. My hands were hurting from holding it, my arms and shoulders were getting tired, my back started to hurt, my legs were tiring and I told myself, "This isn't half of what you've been carrying emotionally and it isn't even yours!" I carried it a good mile (did this more than once) and then heaved it away. It felt good but I was still a bit aching and fatigued. It gave me a more concrete visualisation.

There is a lot you can do, Different techniques, what works for one may not for as well for another. The biggie is :
Here it is -THE BIGGIE. The Thing I Realised and Had To Face.....And Accept

You have to quit re-victimizing yourself.
YOU have to quit it.
No one else can do this.
You are carrying it all around with you. It isn't yours. Let go of it!
The people who hurt you are gone (or you need to move from them) chances are they don't even think about it. The big awful thing(s) they did, that messed you up - they don't even think about!
You are perpetuating it.
Adding to it, making it stronger, letting it keep you from having a joyful and good life.
They did it, but you have to own it and take the responsiblity for letting go of it. You can't let go if you won't admit it exists and you are carrying it.
LET GO OF IT!
That all I have to say about that.

How does this relate to sex? To having a better sex life? To becoming orgasmic? Well it's pretty difficult when you don't love yourself, don't value yourself and don't trust yourself, to feel sexy. It's hard to have a good relationship when you are hauling a rapist or molester around with you, when you bring them to bed with you - it's just too many people there.
Letting go of it probably won't make you instantly orgasmic. But it will open the way and open new doors and possibilties for you.