http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/ en Thu, 16 Feb 2012 04:12:33 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.womens-health.com/boards/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/ http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/560-thoughts-relationships-sexually-non-responsive-people.html Mon, 27 Dec 2010 17:22:13 GMT I can't accept that having no sexual desire is healthy or normal. All creatures have a built in drive to reproduce. Humans are fortunate in that we can experience great pleasure from the sexual act and can become aroused at any time not just when in heat. So far as I am aware there is only one other mammal that has this capability. Sex is a huge part of our bonding and we need bonding and touch to be healthy individuals. Many women who dress and act in very sexualized ways are in fact non responsive sexually. They are acting. playing a role that they think they need to fullfill. They aren't really sexually responsive or orgasmic, they are playing dress up. They do themselves and women who are orgasmic a great disservice in perpetuating unrealistic expectations in women and men, as to how an aroused or responsive woman acts.

In people who are asexual and have no desire, there is either a physical cause or an emotional one. If the cause is physical they need to get tested and get it resolved as nothing in the body is isolated and the hormonal imbalance that is causing them to have no sex drive will also cause other health issues, some debilitating. If the cause is psychological, dealing with it often isn't easy. The factors involved can be complex and if they see no reason to work on change, it's not going to happen.

My own observations, which are of course limited by my experiences, are that in many cases men who may appear to be asexual and who do not have a health issue such as low testosterone, it is either religous training, a control issue or flat out laziness/selfishness. Women seem to be all over the board for reasons but some absolutely fall into the same catagories as men and are playing control games or just lazy or religious but I think it gets much more complex than that with most.

Some things to consider (the book The Orgasm Loop does a lovely job of explaining this) men's sexual organs are mult purpose and external. Those of you who have not been around infant boys may not realize that they get erections pretty much from day one. Males establish understanding of what creates this response pretty early on. It may not be overtly sexual when they are young but they find out fairly readily what feels good to their penis and what doesn't. Women have everything more tucked away, they do not have an up front visual on their responses. Little girls get feeling of arousal just as little boys do but where boys can clearly see a physical response to account for it, the girls can't. When adults say, and they always do, "Don't touch there, "don't do that", the responses are different. Boys can't not touch their penis, either for urination, just getting arranged when dressing, cleaning, they are going to touch and handle their penis. So their understanding when being told not to touch, is not to be playing with themselves in public.

Little girls, with everything tucked away and no visually evident response, think "don't touch" really means they aren't supposed to touch. Depending on their personality and the stridency of the message, they may literally Never touch their genitals, they will always have a barrier of toliet tissue, a washcloth or underwear. Throw in religious teaching and messages that women who aren't virgins are bad, women brought evil into the world and the need to be "good" and without "sin" and you have another pretty tough barrier. Then add all the talk about not letting anyone touch you, stranger danger, and "men only want one thing" and you are getting close to an insurmountable barrier. Then just in case they didn't get the message, throw in some men who really are jerks and really do want only one thing and are will to do whatever it takes to get it including rape and even murder and plaster that all over the news. Oh, oh, we can't forget sex ed or perhaps we should call it anti sex ed in many parts of the US and they are terrified of talking BC, terrified of having sex and end up here with questions like, "I'm on the pill, used a condom, he pulled out and I took the MAP, do you think I could be pregnant?" This is one area of the problem.

Another area is the overt sexualization of girls and women who are not sexual or sensual. People are bombarded with sexual imagery, almost entirely focused on female appearance and behavior. In many cases these women have unobtainable bodies. Even the ones filmed or photographed don't have bodies like the ones seen because they've been "enhanced". Girls are raised with a flood of messages both subtle and overt, that one measure of their success in life, of their completeness as a female, is in having a male in their lives. Why or how they should interact in a healthy relationship is immaterial. They need a ring, a fancy dress, a party and an M.R.S. to prove that they have IT.

At one time everything in our cultures enforced this and in some parts of the world and some religions, it still is the only option for women. Historically for last 2 to 2-1/2 millenia woman have been male property, bought and sold, unable to own anything, or control any part of their own lives, in many cases treated as having less value than the livestock. Huge changes have been made but they are very much still in progress and in many parts of the world, barely begun or have yet to happen. The messages in religions, literature and cultures still enforce a female subservient attitude on many ways. We are so acculturated to this that we often have hard time even seeing it.

I made a comment in another post that is something I think is often overlooked. For generations female sexual satisfaction was not a concern or consideration. A woman (or often, female servant) was expected to comply with her husband's (or master's) "needs" whether she was aroused or not. It was her duty and her role to do so. Not complying could have serious repercussions. I don't know what they used for lube, probably some sort of oil or fat. Anal sex was a form of pregnancy prevention and the woman's desire to participate was largely unconsidered. Now in this senario having a man in your life who was ultra religious and saw sex as only an act of reproduction was probably a benefit. His demands would be far less frequent, although there is that be fruitful bit.

As humans we learn in layers. A learned skill or abiltity is built on things learned earlier. We learn to turn our heads before we can lift them, we learn to crawl before we walk. A great deal of what we learn is learned from the people around us. We start learning from birth, perhaps even before birth, how to live in the world we are born into. Born into one culture we learn that looking someone in the eye is essential. Born into another culture we learn that looking someone in the eye is really bad and should never be done- especially if they aren't our gender. There are thousands of things we learn unaware of having learned it and unaware of it being taught. When we are exposed to other cultures it can be an adventure or really ucomfortable because of all the things they do "wrong", some are so subtle we can't quite identify them. In some cultures not knowing them can get you killed. That is how strongly we hold to some of our learned behavior. Little of this is taught in schools, it is learned in the home and on the streets. We learn from those around us and most particularly from our families and much of it is learned by observation. Whether we pick them up consciously or subconsciously, we learn from everything we see and hear, often it is very subtle. Mother tenses slightly when father looks at her a certain way. Father's jaws tightens when mother uses a particular tone of voice. We are flooded with messages about our families lives work. Then we are loaded with very specific messages. "Don't touch there", "nice girls..." "be nice", " don't cry", "sissy".

Then there are the choices made, children's interpetations and responses to adult behavior. Remember the Ramona books, she thinks the Star Spangled Banner, has a line about the donzer light? It is actually, the dawn's early light? Children and adults, do a lot of that. What we think we hear and see and understand, isn't what really was, but we base our reality on it. We will stomp our foot, cry about it, argue over it, fight about it. In reality we don't know what the f we're talking about, but we are ready to fight for it. And so we learn about relationships, how women and men act and interact. It's a wonder we can live on the same planet. The only way we've done it for generations has been for one gender to completely control the other. It hasn't really worked out very well. Now we are struggling for a new balance. Some of us have got it, a lot of others are part way there and still others are fighting tooth and nail, in some cases with "honor" killing, fgm, mgm, or burying women up to their waists and stoning them to death. Places like Wall Street are a little more subtle and it will be interesting to see what the women's class action suit brings.

What is all this verbage leading too? Well you can't overcome all this in a generation or even two. The messages are mixed, roles are changing, expectations are changing. Right now we have a jumbled up mess in many areas and sex is a biggie. More and more men are wanting a relationship with a sexually responsive woman, a woman who wants to be with them. They want to be valued for more than their ability to provide financial support. Not all of them have yet learned how to treat a woman or interact with her to elicit or maintain this responsiveness but they want it and that's a first step.

More women are becomming self supporting beyond a subsistance level. They are learning not to be helpless and refusing to be household drudges or simply "vessels" for men's seed. Some are (as some always have been) sexually responsive and not wanting to accept old standards and lables for their sexuality.

Many women and men are dealing with sexuality more like paperdoll clothes. They slip in and out of expectations and roles and none of can stand up to actual use. There are men who will say they want a sexual and responsive woman but refer to women who own their sexuality as hos and sl--s. There are women who want to appear sexual and who imitate being orgasmic but have no idea what it is really, they are poor substitutes for the real thing but help set an artifical standard. There are women who are, to use a term no longer pc, frigid. There are men who have become addicted to fantasy and their hand. Unfortunately these people don't come with lables. Those of us who are working to live beyond the bs, to have real relationships with people who aren't hung up, twisted up, screwed up, manipulative and in some cases flat out dangerous, have some real challenges. We get taken in, love the wrong people, get attracted to the package before we find out what is in the box, get swept away in our own fantasy of what could be and don't see what really is. Others are trapped in learned responses and can't see the wrongness of trying to fit a mold they believe they must fit but don't feel. They think the facade of a "good" relationship is what counts.

What do we do? Getting past the facade can be a challenge. Some people take years before the garbage kicks in and you find yourself in a sham relationship, you can't always see that coming, but DON'T go into something that is a problem from the start. If a man is a jerk before you commit he won't magically become wonderful. If a woman is sexually unresponsive before you tie yourself to her, she is Very unlikely to become a sexual dynamo after she says "I do". Leave these people alone and let them find each other. Let the sexually uninterested and unteresting come together and play Pinochle all evening. Then they can go to their respective beds untouched and feel satisfied and self rightous. With any luck, like the Shakers, they will vanish in a generation or two.

This would at least improve the odds for those of us who want a real relationship with satisfying sexual interaction. The other thing we have to do is learn to really communicate and that can be tough. On a personal note, I'm trying to relearn it, having been shut out and slammed down repeatedly when you try tends to make you skittish. What it should do is motivate you to find someone who is interested in listening and making changes together, to both of your benefit. People change and they don't change. Some change dramtically in many ways, others seem to just calcify, while still others change in some ways but not others. People are or should be dynamic beings. If you change one way and your partner doesn't, you may have to exit. If they change in ways you can't be happy with, you may have to exit. We no longer expect to live to 35 and being with one person for life means 20 - 30 years tops with each filling a socially prescribed role to survive. Most of us aren't hauling water, grinding grain with a stone, tanning hides, tending livestock, washing clothes in a stream and draping them over bushes to dry, tending a garden to eat, making our own cheese - those were the "weaker" sex's jobs. We have more options these days, live a lot longer and can live far more comfortably. We can choose our mates for reasons other than survival and family advantage. The survival of the species may now depend more on less reproduction than on reproduction. We need to be joining together for our happiness and staying together by choice. If we make a poor choice and choose not to rectify it, we need to own it. ]]> WildChild http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/560-thoughts-relationships-sexually-non-responsive-people.html http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/297-discussion-some-reasons-women-shut-down-sexually.html Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:42:30 GMT I know we've gone into this before and it may or may not apply but it bears repeating since we have new readers/posters all the time. One of the most self defeating things a man can do when the sexual relationship is nonexistant to iffy, is to do or plan something with the expectation it will lead to sex, this works fine with a responsive woman but not an unresponsive one.

I think there are a limited range of possible causes of a woman being or becoming unresponsive sexually:
There is a mental block; usually upbringing, abuse, anger or negation of her needs (often long term).
There is a physical problem; could be hormones, physiological or pain associated with sex.

The physical side may seem to be easy to deal with, but often isn't. Read through some of the threads in GYN or BC. There has been and still is, in many ways, a somewhat cavalier attitude toward women's issues in health care. There are huge numbers of unnecessary c-sections and hysterectomies performed. Look at the Essure thread to get an idea of what goes on with women, the medical/pharma/ birth control situation. Many chemical forms of BC cause a loss of libido. It is interesting that one of our posters noted a that she had been told to try an "older" bc pill. I've commented that when I was younger there didn't seem to be such a problem with the pill and libido.

A woman walking into this mess with a problem with orgasm, pain or any number of other concerns is likely to just get a few pat answers and no real help. Personally, I've relatively few concerns with "female troubles" but when I did have some trouble, a doctor actually told me, "There's no reason for it." Everything has a reason. When something completely and painfully out of the ordinary occurs, there is a reason. This kind of dismissal occurs far too often or a prescription for an antidepressant or pain killer is written with no real effort to find out what is going on.

Physical concerns, including hormone imbalance, may take persistance and insistance to deal with.

The emotional/mental causes can be quite a quagmire too. People respond differently to situations. One person can grow up abused or be sexually molested or raped and still be sexually responsive and enjoy it fully. Another will get trapped in it and just not be able to move past it (this is true of men as well). These situations are at least usually readily identifiable talking about someone's past and experiences.

More insidious are the cultural/religious admonitions to be a "good" girl, not to do anything "dirty" or unacceptable by that group's standards, that's a sin, don't touch, don't look, don't think about, don't, don't, don't. That can be so ingrained that it's a real toughie to get around. Again, some people do it, other just can't seem to get past it. They have to do it, no one else can make it happen.

Anger and abuse in life or a relationship can create a lot of problems and women are often conditioned not to really show anger and to tollerate a lot of abuse. Women dealing with this may seem outwardly "OK" but they aren't. They may be depressed, unmotivated, have low self esteem, and be self defeating. Neglect or negation of her needs may fall into this arena too. I've been though this and have known or watched many other women go through it. My own theory is that this is far more likely with women who have some history of abuse just because they have more trouble with feeling safe to express their needs and have been conditioned to tollerate or expect not to have their needs met.

Men who negate or neglect the woman in their lives often don't see it at all. They will tell themselves, her and anyone else, all the things they do for her, how loving and caring they are and have been (I heard some awful abusors do this too). They may confront the women; I did this, I gave you that, didn't I? And she will have to agree, yes, he did. But the manner of giving, the attitude and expectations attached to it may have been demeaning, condescending or in some other way, hurtful.

Just an example, I have an ex who gave me tools. Now I love tools and I use them. But when you have an anniversary and a birthday back to back and you get tools that are required to properly complete work you are doing on the house and have been struggling to complete without proper tools, that does nothing to gladden a woman's heart (or I would guess, a man's). Those items should have been purchased to do the job. It's like a woman giving a man a bunch of wrenches and saying, "happy birthday, now go fix that car you've left sitting for months". The message is. this is not about you or how much I love and value you. No doubt this happens to both genders; a sense that your only value in the relationship is what you produce or bring to it. But I think it hits women harder because what they do is often undervalued.

How does this tie into sex? Everything ties into sex and sexual response. A woman who feels marginalised, uncared about, not listened to, not really valued, has a hard time feeling sexy or sexual. Since I'm talking about women, I'm make a caveat that much of this may apply to men as well, but I'm talking about women. Many men slip into behaviors that negate a woman and her feelings and needs. Whether she works outside the home or not, it's where's dinner? Why don't I have any clean socks? You call and straighten this out. You know I don't like X,Y,Z. This isn't prepared right. Well, that looks better than what you wore yesterday. I'm busy. Shut those kids up. Leave me alone. I can't, I'm watching TV. Get me a beer. I'll do it later. Not now. Shut up (you only have to say this once - it's like being slapped for many women). This kind of stuff goes on day in and day out in many households. It hurts and long after both have forgotten what was said or done, the memory of the emotion remains. Often it isn't what is said so much as it is the tone of voice, attitude, or situation. Accompany this with the only affection expressed being a prelude to sex and you have a formula for shutting a woman down. Add in BC pills that lower libido, children that need constant looking after and a host of general concerns and worries, and a woman just can't move it a sexual/sexy state of mind.

When a man finally slows down and realises something is Wrong and needs to be Dealt with, he will often approach it with all the finesse of a bull in a china shop. "Hey, there's something wrong with you. I'll fix it.", is just about the level oft times. By this time the situation has gone on for a while, maybe years, she may no longer be able to even articulate what the problem is because its gone on for so long that it's habit, it's just how-things-are. The mental/emotional association she has with him, even though she may love him, is negative and full of pain and disappointment. He is so far from being able to understand her, has shut her down and cut her off so many times when she has attempted to communicate, that she no longer trusts that she can speak and he will hear or understand.

This can be repaired but it takes time. Situations vary, a woman who wasn't sexually responsive, wasn't orgasmic but was simply willing to fill her partner's basic needs and now won't do that, has a good deal more to deal with. A bunch of flowers, a night out and a couple, "I love you"s won't fix a long term problem, in any case. It may make her wary and put her on her guard. She'll be wondering, what he is up to, why he's doing this? Or thinking, "Oh, he's doing this again, we'll see how long it lasts." She's very unlikely to be thinking, "Hurray, he finally woke up and figured it out."

What is needed is communication. Name it. "I realize things aren't what they should be and haven't been for a long time. I love you and want you in my life and I want us both to have a loving, rich, fullfilling life together." Then start showing it. Listen and Hear her. Don't step in and do it all, all at once, don't invade her sphere and start nosing, pushing and demanding. Find little ways to give her a hand, move back into courtship mode at least part of the time. One of the happiest, most loving, long term married couples I know (well over 50 yrs) have never lost this. They show each other such loving courtesty and care and respect, that it reflects on everyone around them. It's not corny. I've noticed that virtually everyone they meet treats them with as much respect as they give each other.

Don't expect an immediate repair of your sexual relationship. It's like losing weight, it isn't gained overnight and it won't lost overnight and weighing your self 10 times a day won't help. Take it a step at a time. Start showing more interest in her as a person as well as your life partner, do little loving things with no expectation of sex. Bring flowers because she likes them, not as a ticket to sex, One bunch of flowers does not equal one session of loving - not when you've got a long term problem. Give her a scalp massage or a back rub, tell her you love her and then go clean the garage or something. Show her love without any expectations, be consistant with it. This isn't a push the button, get a candy bar kind of deal. You have to do what will say love and caring to her, not what says it to you.

This probably won't work in a vacuum, you need to communicate, you need to educate yourselves. Do some learning and growing. It would be best if both do so. But you can only control yourself and what you do. Above all you can't make demands. "I command you want sex with me", only works in those ads that they had on the back of comic books years ago, next to the ads for x-ray glasses. This isn't fixing, so much as regrowing. Like a broken bone healing, it takes time, patience, proper care and pushing too hard, too soon can cause a rebrake that will be harder to heal. If you want a book on this (hey, it's me - you knew there had to be at least one in here - I'd say John Grey. His Mars and Venus may have become somewhat cliche but he is on target with a lot of stuff. ]]> WildChild http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/297-discussion-some-reasons-women-shut-down-sexually.html http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/290-choices-people-make.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:32:16 GMT I often think about the choices people make, the choices I've made, often poor choices. In retrospect, actually in some cases even at the time, better options are clear but not taken. People will chose what is less convienient, less safe, less attractive, more difficult but which provides no offsetting gain at all.

I have a clear example of this with snow. The buildings I live in have two sets of outside stairs. One set stays very protected from the weather, these stairs are always clear and dry. The other set is very exposed, they get wet, icy, piled with snow and they are almost impossible to keep clear, let alone make safe. There is no significant difference getting out the front or to the parking area by using either set of stairs. I will go out to shovel snow soon, I've already peeked, people have been up and down the snow packed stairs. In the past I've put up caution tape closing off the stairs. People go under the tape to sue these stairs. WHY?

I don't know. One explaination is that they are idiots who have gotten into the habit of using one set of stairs and the idea of going another way just does not compute. Another possibility is that they are hoping to slip to and fall so they can sue. Why someone would want to injure themselves and possibly live with pain and disability for years is hard to say. Maybe they want a challenge? That's a pretty lame one but perhaps they like lame challenges? I don't know. But I suspect if I could get some insight into this I just might understand myself and others better. ]]> WildChild http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/290-choices-people-make.html http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/155-thoughts-ability-sexually-aroused-orgasm.html Thu, 23 Jul 2009 03:16:00 GMT I'm going to explore some thoughts here. Maybe I'm very unusual but I don't really think so. I haven't always enjoyed sex but recognised early on that it was a combination of technique and emotional or mental state (mine). Based on what I've read (and I read extensively) and have experienced, I'm just a couple years from 40 years of being sexually active, I think that just about any healthy woman should be able to enjoy sex. Granted someone with a hormone imbalance or some other health issues simply may not.

I'm multi orgasmic and with my current sexual partner I've never not orgasmed. He is caring but not romantic. In the past I've had times, some extended, when I've shut down sexually and to some extent emotionally. This was when I was in a negative relationship where my needs simply could not be met and for what ever reason I was unable to leave right away. I would, at least in certain emotional areas, including sex, shut down, essentially go numb. It's not a pleasant experience.

I jokingly have said many times here that if I'm happy, I'm horny. That's really true. This came about through a series of self realizations and taking responsibility for my sexuality. I'm still working on it. Here's the deal, as I see it, an inept or abusive partner can cause you to pull away and shut down but your emotional state is the real determinate factor. Shut down is a survival response. What you really need to do then is re-examine why you are there, if it is salvageable, or if you need to get out. Communication can go along way in some cases.

We are bombarded with societal and familial messages that are negative to sexuality. Many of us are very inhibited because of a deeply ingrained fear of being judged negitively if we are sexual. This can be hard to overcome and I'm convinced it is the root of most women's sexual frustrations. Many confuse being loose and sexually agressive or making public displays of sexual behavior with being sexually responsive. We still know very little really about women's sexuality (or men's for that matter) there are variations in our bodies and so in what we respond to. But the brain is the biggest sexual organ and it's what goes on in your head that can completely cut off your ability to respond to what goes on with your body. At some point I may attempt to explore what I think it takes to overcome this, but I'll have to give it some thought.

So the point I'm working on so far is that it is possible to be highly orgasmic even without foreplay or romance or a lot of other things that many people believe to be essential. I say this because because I've done it. What is needed is a state of arousal. That is mental/emotional. How do you get there? I work at keeping things juicy all the time. I associate virtually everything with sex. I see sexual symbolism all over the place and I get quite a kick out of it. It's a state of awareness and being. My sexuality is not me, but is a big part of who and what I am. I am a woman and as such am a deeply, profoundly sexual being - as we all are. It is a huge part of what drives all life. As humans we are very fortunate, I think, to have sex be an act of pleasure, emotion, fun, whatever we choose to make it and when ever we choose to have have it. Few creatures have this flexibilty. Unfortunately we humans have chosen to turn it into a highly restricted means of controlling each other and gaining power through creating guilt.

Sexuality is a gift and should not be shared indescriminately. It is better within a committed relationship where you can really get to know each other and with a good partner it can deepen and improve over time. It takes communication, cooperation and some work.

So how to keep it juicy? Exersize and healthy diet play a role. Kegels are important but so is general physical condition. You don't have get to the level of an olympic athelete but staying toned and healthy helps. A generally positive outlook on life helps. People who walk around POd all day don't generally feel very sexy. This doesn't just happen, you have to stay aware of your mental state and adjust it when it slips. Don't look at red lights as impediments. they give you breathing time, do a few kegels- along with the vibration of your car you may start looking forward to those stops in traffic. Enjoy them. A line in the grocery gives you a chance to chat with your neighbors in line - it's all a matter of prespective.

Smile at people, laugh whenever you can - I don't do enough of that still. Work on finding positives and then start working on keeping your thinking juicy. Mama Gena offers some good advice on that in her books. Talk about sex, you don't have to be crude but don't be afraid to throw it into your conversation - you may be surprised. I had a talk with a nearly 80 year old neighbor the other day that might have surprised some people, we didn't invent sex and older people have quite a bit to say about it.

Getting into and staying in a state of low level arousal that can be quickly turned up, is a matter of practice and training. Just like taking up a sport, like running. You don't just throw on a pair of running shoes and sign up for a 10K. You have to work up to it, get into shape, stretch, learn to keep alignment, how to place your feet. The same is true with getting your mind and body into sex. It takes regular work or play, depending on your perspective. If you see it as work you probably won't get there.

Regular self pleasuring is important. Don't let yourself get too frustrated, give yourself some relief and learn what works. Experiment, try tantric techniques of pleasuring yourself with no thoughts, focus only on what you feel. Try fantasizing about different things, get kinky in thought, look up some stuff and see if you can get your self going with it. (doesn't mean you have to or want to do it) just see where the fantasy takes you. You can cover a lot of territory with that. What works best for me is visualizing the man I care for. Some sex therapists say that's not a good idea because if you are reliant on that and they walk, then where are you? But I can cum with all sorts of visualisation, that's just my most intense. Make love to yourself, not just sexually. Give your self a pedicure, a scalp massage, buy yourself flowers, don't wait for some poor, mostly clueless male to make you feel good and indulge you, do it for yourself. It took me a long time to realize how important that is.

Try to make all your interactions with your sexual partner a form of foreplay. When you are close enough for whatever reason, be aware of his scent, his nearness, his masculinity. Really look at him, see the little details, the hairs on his arms, the shape of his nose, how he stands and moves. I think the more aware you are of someone the more they generally respond to you and you repond to them.

Laugh together. Enjoy each other, find ways to make each other right instead of wrong. People who live on the defensive have trouble relaxing and being sexy. Find ways to keep yourself and your partner thinking sexy, you don't have to be blatant, subtle can be very effective. Even dressed conservatorily for business you can ditch the panty hose in favor of stockings, and go without underware. Forget perfume, use your natural scent. This is not a matter of contrived behavior but of making and keeping your sexuality simmering naturally. Take time to find things to enjoy, to look at and smell the flowers, examine ladybugs, choose the fabrics that come in contact with your skin for their feel and color. Don't wear anything that you don't feel good in.

No doubt there is a good deal more to be said on this but this is a starting point. We each have different responses to specific things but in general terms we aren't so very different. ]]> WildChild http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/155-thoughts-ability-sexually-aroused-orgasm.html http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/114-people-things-we-bring-into-relationship.html Sun, 15 Feb 2009 23:12:12 GMT Thoughts can come at the oddest times. Sitting in an empty room tapping at a scraper with a hammer can actually be a good time to think, it's mindless, repetitive activity. What came to my mind recently was the people we get into relationships with and who we and they bring into it. We all come with family and freinds, maybe children, but I'm not talking about that. How many relationships have you been in where it's you, them and their anger? Or the two of you and one or both of your ex's, that can be unavoidable if you have children from a prior relationship, but do either or both of you bring them every where? Not physically but emotionally or mentally? For example, the two of you are spending an afternoon, viewing an exhibit, watching a movie, just spending some time together and out of the blue comes the remark, "You want a b.....? You can have my ex!" Huh? What? That certainly ensures that whatever mood there was is altered. You know they aren't there with you, they are with the ex and mad at them too. So that afternoon it is you, them, their ex and their anger. Personally I'm not into threesomes, let alone foursomes.

Thinking about it I've done it too. We all do. It's a matter of situation and degree. In my first marriage, he and I both brought in a lot of extra people. I had the guys that raped me, the bf before him who had was insanely jealous and treated me abominably and a family history of abuse. He brought his alcoholic father, controlling mother and ex gf who was the love of his life and dumped him. Later he brought in several other women. No wonder it failed - altogether too many people in the bedroom and every place else. My last marriage was populated by his mother (and a load of blame) his cheating ex-wife, his child (who was expected and loved, his unconfirmed belief and anger that they weren't biologically his wasn't welcome) and every woman who had ever rejected him - he hadn't asked many out or dated many so they all got to come along. I brought my kids, their father who wasn't there by my choice but whose difficult and demanding behavior forced it's way in. My spouse also drug in any and all past relationships that I had that he knew of and made something of them.

I have an idea this sort of thing happens more often than not. This is a toughie, this balancing act of learning what there is to learn from a failed or past relationship and moving on without bringing along all the baggage. As we get to know someone, part of it is sharing some of our past experiences. It gives insight into each other's lives and history and explains some of our sensitivities, responses and needs. It helps increase mutual understanding and trust, it forges bonds of similar experiences as well. When it cannot be simply shared objectively and then left as the past, it can become a serious problem in the present.

In theory as we mature emotionally we should get better at letting go of the old stuff, better at looking at it more objectively. We humans are emotional beings and have a hard time doing that. Pain is pain, regardless of our age or posistion in life, it can hurt as bad at 30 or 40 or 70 as it does at 15 or 20 - sometimes worse because it is added on to layers of other hurts and experiences.

What is the worst thing we can do with this? Dwell in it, hold on to it, revisit it without additional learning - just spending time in the pain and unfairness, refreshing the wound, rebuilding the hurt. It's easy to do, we all do it ant some point but it can become a habit and that is unhealthy. It hurts us rather than helps us grow and it hurts those around us.

One of my goals is to get to the point that I can have a relationship that has large blocks of time that is just me and a man whom I care for. I know sometimes there will be others in there physically or emotionally but I want to be able to have time when it is just two of us. Two spirits having an enjoyable physical experience with just each other on the beautiful planet earth. How? I'm still working on it, but like the random thoughts that can drift in while you are meditating, I expect it is a similar process, one of just saying, "ok, thank you for sharing" and let it drift on out. ]]> WildChild http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/114-people-things-we-bring-into-relationship.html http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/107-special-poem.html Sat, 10 Jan 2009 04:33:56 GMT This was written by Norbert Capek, in 1941 while he was in Dresden prison, he was lter transfered to Dachau where he died in 1942. I think it's a beautiful expression of the ultimate defiance


It is worthwhile to live
and fight courageously
for sacred ideals.
O blow ye evil winds
into my body's fire
my soul you'll never unravel.
Even though disappointed a thousand times
or fallen in the fight
and everything would worthless seem,
I have lived amidst eternity --
Be grateful, my soul --
My life was worth living.
He who was pressed from all sides
but remained victorious in spirit
is welcomed into the choir of heroes.
He who overcame the fetters
giving wings to his mind
is entering into the golden age of
the victorious. ]]> WildChild http://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/wildchild/107-special-poem.html