Thread: From Now to Now

I have just published my autobiography, which discusses a number of topics, but sexual abuse is a major theme. I struggled for most of my life to understand and overcome the effects of sexual abuse. I wrote my autobiography primarily to help other women who have had similar experiences, and to help men get an understanding. Love and light to you all. Marlis

Two excerpts from the book, From Now to Now, by Marlis Jermutus

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. . . As we rode home I was still sobbing. The experience of breathing in his heavy breath, and his heavy body crushing down on me would stay with me for life. He stopped the bike before we got home. He turned to me and with a very threatening manner demanded that I not say anything to my mother. And so I didn’t.
Living in the now, I should immediately put that experience behind me, and let it disappear into the invisible past. That had been my habit and my ability. Hunger, the sound of a bomb exploding, the loss of family - all these things I had always let go of in the worlds I created out of each moment. My life, from now to now, always moved forward with my heart’s intuition as my guide. I was that joyful little child who brought a smile to the face of a Russian soldier. Now I was riding on the back of a bicycle behind a man from my own family who had just abused me. And I promised not to say anything. Maybe if I had not made that promise I could have let go of the experience somehow. I could have returned to the now. But I had to return home and act like nothing happened. Until that day, I always felt like I was the one who created each new moment. Those bad experiences I put behind me in each new moment seemed to stay safely in the past. This experience was different. This fear affected every part of my being. I thought of nothing as I rode on the back of the bicycle, I only sobbed and shook in fear, but turning in me was the uncontrollable reality. I really didn’t even know what had just happened to me, but I was in pain and terrified by my sudden horrifying vulnerability. Over the coming days I handled my fear by acting unafraid. I was always a good actor, but part of my strength as a child actor came from the security of knowing my mother would protect me. Suddenly, now, my mother could not protect me. For the next eight years, until I left my parent’s house, I was a very good actor . . .

. . . This was the beginning of a pattern, a pattern burned into my consciousness and only healed decades later after years of serious effort. Before I was old enough to leave home, I suffered the abuse that I think must be common in all the male-dominated cultures on the planet. After I was on my own, I was still not free of the pattern as I continued to let misguided men abuse me. For the longest time I remained silent. For the longest time I was unable to even understand that part of my psychology. Then the work began. Now I am finally free of that old part of me. Now I can see it clearly. Now I can describe my experience.
I first felt fear and physical pain, and then mental anguish. Then I carried the secret. This was a secret that only two people shared. In my trauma, I began to unconsciously feel that I was part of a shameful conspiracy. I began to feel guilty. I didn’t think about this. I felt it. I was too young to understand the psychological trap, but my subconscious mind knew only that I agreed to the horrible secret, so I must be guilty . . .