hi.my bf and i have been together 2 and half years,im 30 he's almost 29.things arent what they used to be,let's just say that the honey moon stage is over.
now there was a time for over year year that i thought that he might have been cheating (no sex that whole time,bad attitude) but Im willing to believe that i was reading into things,because deep down,i really do believe he has been faithful but my insecurities were creeping in.

we have been talking about marriage for some time down the road because i truely believe with all my heart that he is meant for me.

now lately he has not wanted to see me,become nasty,and made me feel like a huge inconvience in his life.

he said i was smothering him ( i know its a relationship killer) but because of my suspicion,i felt that i needed to cling on to whatever i could and that was through constantly calling him.

i have really let up on that for the past 8 days,started doing things that i loved before i met him and seeing friends again.

now...i finally saw him last night after 7 days and it was a bit awkward...but when i almost fell asleep at his place at 1:30 am he was like "want me to take you home now". i was upset cuz i havent slept over in at least a month and having no sex plus no "cuddling time" is killing me inside.

so when he dropped me off at my home i asked him what was wrong, typically, he said "nothing" but i couldnt accept that answer anymore. i was telling him how much he hurts me inside and how he has become unreliable and how im devastated cuz i thought we were gonna get married but now i feel completely disconnected to him.

well ( and my bf does not open up at all) he completely broke down in the truck,couldnt stop crying. i was almost in shock. he told me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me and how he wants to marry me BUT (there's always a but)...that he doesnt know what he wants in life and that included me. that he needs his space. that he feels he cant make me happy and i'm too good for him?? that's he's unhappy and doest know why ( he is depressed) that he doesnt know how long this will take (not seeing each other but talking on the phone is okay,like once a day). he seemed genuine as he was balling his eyes out.

now...i,being the internet junkie that i am,go on websites about men needing space and how some men are scared to break up so they do it slowly with the same excuse. which terrifies me!

how much space do i give? a month? two? I dont want to be played for a fool either.
i love him but im worried that he will have the "Out of sight,out of mind" idea.

i want to be an understaning girfriend but im scared.

has anyone gone through this and it really was just some needed space,as i dont want to date anyone else, but stay with you and get my life in order and be happy again.

thank you

Not to sound horrid at all...

He may really not be ready for any "commitment" in general, but

If your man your with who you think you should "marry" hasn't, doesn't have sex with you for over a year, separates from you for 7 days and "can't do it/have intimacy", there is a real problem...

Maybe he loves you as a "person" but is not longer in love with you and you may be hanging on and just holding on and have for the past year for someone that you will never connect properly with.

Do you want to come back in 10 years time and say I'm 40 and have 2 children and in the last 10 years I only had sex 10 times, i got married all for the wrong reasons, the kids miss their daddy etc etc .

Every sentence above that he states is "it's not you it's me"....

CW

hi,thanks 4 the reply.
as for as the no sex thing, i'm pretty sure it's cuz of his depression and the distance between us...he said he'd go to the dr but I know that he doesnt have health insurance and he recently lost his job so he has no money. he just has so much on his mind...im know I'm making excuses but i think that they make sense.


he assured me that he just needs space and there is no ulterior motive like " I'm too scared to tell you I dont love you anymore".

I just have to trust him.

once before he needed space for a week , and another for a whole month but this time is the first time that im concerned because he "doesnt know where his life is going ect;"

He needs help, to over come things... He needs to say stuff it and look for another job, and get out of his depression.

I know that there are threads here on depression and how they are feeling and that people will answer with their opinions on how to help you, help him, so bare with them, and perhaps read those threads as well.

Thank you. true, I didnt mention the depression. As far as distance, I meant emotional distance not long distance

And i do want to help him through this because I knew what he was like before his depression and know what he really has to offer...I know how bad my dad felt during his extremely long depression and how great he's been now that he's medicated.

I'm guess I'm worried that he's going to think that he's not ready to stay in this relationship, even tho I'm completely faithful and would do anything for him.

My thing is, how long do I wait to call him or to say "hey let's get lunch" or do I wait for him to come around...

ok so he is 29 he has lost his job and he is suffering from depression for the last year. He probably wants his space to figure out what the he is doing wrong in life and can he take on the responsiblity of a wife and future family if he can't even keep his job. I know we woman live in an independant state but men still like to be able to look after their wife and family.

I don't know how sever his depression is but he probably needs a friend that loves him more than anything at the moment. If you are going to stand by him and help him thru this remember to take care of yourself. It is easy to forget about you and your needs when someone you love is suffering like this. Make sure you are being a good example by exercising, eating right and getting enough sleep. In the end only he can make the choice to help himself get better by doing little things each day.

My bf went thru a long haul of depression and it wasn't easy and he needed a friend that loved him and was there to constantly remind him he was worth it. Only he could make the necessary lifestyle changes that needed to take place to balance out his life to make things easier for him to cope.

If you guys really want to get married he has to let you in and you have to explain to him you love him for all he is and is not. That he doesn't have to have all the answers that you guys will find them together.

I know he may want some space to reevalute his life and what directions he wants it to take and that is fine. What concerns me is depressed peopel shouldn't be left on their own to suffer from their horrible emoitons.

Good luck in finding balance.

Thank you. Actually, he couldnt get ahold of me late last night and it's unusual for me to go out at night alone (I was trying to keep myself busy and not think about him too much)...anyways he got so worried that he went out searching for me....and today he hung out with me...I guess he realizes how much he cares for me.

Also, you made a good point about the independence thing because I have my own place,car and little bills so I am quite independent...so I never thought about the big deal of getting married (financially) cuz I can take care of myself,but I never thought about it from a man's perspective.
TY