I Need help with my Insecurities... i Think its my insecurities

**sTyLeRock** · 09-10-2008 09:20 PM

Hi!

This is a long read so i give u much love and respect if you actually read it all :P

I don't post to often since i am involved in many social communities however this is the only one i know that is primarily made up of the opposite sex (i am male) so i would really LOVE some female input on my situation.

Background:

I moved out of home at 17 to another state with my ex-g/f lived in a flat (just me and her) for a year and a half, we move back to melbourne and we break up, she was interested in another guy and my best mate told me that he caught them kissing (CHEATING IS A DEAL BREAKER FOR ME) so that was in january,

Since then i have been single and i've joined some Pickup Artist Communities to try and transform myself into a better person,

While i was living with my ex g/f i met her friends and one of them stood out to me she was cute (not really hot by fake Barbie standards but i'm not into that) but her personality was just explosive! i loved it.

Anyway i get in contact with this girl again through facebook about a month ago and we start talking and one thing leads to another and after a couple weekends of seeing each other (she lives 4 hours away so its long trip) we are really into each other and vibing well and i get along with her friends ect.. ect.. so we are offically boyfriend girlfriend

Okay my problem is.. She has had 30+ Sexual Partners and i've had 3 Including her! now she's told me that i am not the best she's had i am actually the 2nd best she's had,

Thinking about her maybe fantasying about another guy because his better at sex then me is kinda eating me up a bit, i've been reading alot of books about female pleasure ect.. ect.. i can give her a clitorial orgasm in a couple minutes via oral (she told me my oral is best she's ever had) and i CAN give her vaginal orgasms via intercourse (she's multiorgasmic which is cool) so sex wise it's not that i am bad.. its that theres someone better..

I am very Sensual in the bedroom she has told me like she has a fetish with being called a and being handled a bit rough, i told her the maybe later on in the relationship i can do that but right now i am just to into her to do that type of thing (in my mind its disrespectful)

my friends tell me that the thing that will break us up is the fact i am insecure about not being the best, not the actual fact that i am not the best.. i am not sure really how female attraction and what they need and want in relationships to much.. i mean i don't wanna break up over sex..

Does anyone know any good sex books or some magic thing that would give her the most memorable night of her life? or am i just being insecure and should try my hardest to not think about the other guys she's been with.. (this is hard cuz i am the type of person who thinks alot)

Any replies and help are much appreciated and thank you for reading!!!
-Daniel

**courtney** · 09-10-2008 09:32 PM

I definitely think you have some insecurities about being her number 1.... Were you always first picked in gym class? Do you think she really remembers every single time she had sex with 30+ guys and scaled them to know you were second??? This sounds absurd. I can see where it would set you back a little but to think that you have to be the best sex partner.... I guess if that is what makes a relationship to you, then it might important and superficial. And, if you guys have only been seeing each other a couple of weeks, who knows that you have had the best sex you are going to? The relationship is new, you are getting to know each other, emotionally and physically, as in what each other likes and what it takes to please each other.

I say relax. It's not a big deal. She may have had better sex but she is with you now and that guy.

And if you break up with her, good luck finding that girl that thinks you are the absolute best she has ever had. It's a gradual thing, a learning process and that is what makes new "love" exciting.

**sTyLeRock** · 09-10-2008 09:37 PM

well she actually ranks every guy she's been with, just her little thing. she only had sex with this other guy a couple times.

i suppose what is going through my head is that like.. i am worried that if i'm not the best persay that she might go looking for it.. you know what i mean? OMG I OVERANALYSE EVERYTHING...

i just want to make her happy :'(

-Daniel

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-10-2008 11:50 PM

Nice to see you again sTyLeRock, a bit of insight you provided there..

Look, this is what i gathered from what you wrote:-

You are her "second best"
You are her "best pertaining to oral"
She has a fetish to be called names in bed
She probably also likes Adventure
She probably wants it a bit rough
She probably wants to be blindfolded, tied up

You are sensual no problem that's excellent
You "probably" will do that at some stage.

Personally? My "Opinion" she is not saying your second, you don't have to be in-secure, what she is saying is you do things way better than he did, however, he called her names and made her weak at her knees in a different way and she is trying to get you to go on par with that because that is the missing link that she is craving.

She's usuing her termanology "your not the best" "i like being called names" etc, etc,
to try to get you to do those things which seems to me would then make you THE BEST LOVER she has ever had.

That to me is what she is hinting and and the answer to solving the problem.

My opinion.

CW

**Uneeklyme** · 09-11-2008 08:16 AM

This is a prime example of why past should be past. You knew she wasn't a virgin when you got with her and that kind of information usually has to be asked for. IMO, dont ask if you cant handle what might be. You might not be her best now but you might grow into that title. At least she didn't lie to you and you are working on it. Work on it with her but leave the others (her past partners) out of it. Dont start asking her what he did that made him the best and what you can do to top it. Insecure is very unattractive. If she wanted to be with the best sex she ever had then she would still be there. Obviously she doesnt base her relationships on her ratings as she has already moved on from it. Now she is with you. Take that for what it is and work on you two being together.

**silvertae** · 09-11-2008 08:31 AM

If you want to be "the best" and do whatever you can to really wow her then you have to do what she wants! She already told you the kinky things she wants (rough sex, name calling, etc) and by holding back on those things you're gonna keep yourself in the number 2 spot. Usually people can't help their fetishes and as long as it's not something dangerous then don't judge her for what she wants. And don't limit yourself by playing this silly game that you "respect" her too much. Let her be her kinky self and ENJOY it! Too many women have those kinds of desires and never reveal them for fear their partners are going to think they're weird.

BUT, it is entirely possible for her to be happier with you, despite you being number 2 in the sack, than she was with the number 1 guy. I've technically had better sex with previous partners in some ways but my current boyfriend is much better for me in most other ways. I had the best oral ever from an emotionally abusive guy but I think I'll stick with my loving boyfriend than seek that out again! And, as someone else mentioned, it's early days yet. The sex is likely to only get better as you go along so sit back, forget the other guy and remember that she's with YOU now by choice. Grow and explore together.

**miffed23** · 09-11-2008 04:18 PM

Hey,

If we know that she has had sex with 30 plus partners... can we assume that most of these were one night stands, or people who she didnt really care too much for?

Think about it this way... she cares for you... you are 'boyfriend and girlfriend' - sex within a relationship is predominately much better, more intimate than random one night stands, because you know eachother, you know what makes eachother tick and what doesnt.

My advice is to carry out all her wishes (as long as you comfortable), dont let your insecurities show. She is with you and not with past partners for a reason. Good luck.

**sTyLeRock** · 09-11-2008 10:46 PM

Thanks for all your helpful replies, i am still finding it hard to Rationalize it and my mind just keeps wandering >_O it's something i'm going to have to deal with, it is amplified by the fact it is long distance so while we aren't together is when i feel down the most.

**WildChild** · 09-11-2008 11:48 PM

Ranking lovers is a really bad idea, everyone is different and making those kinds of comparisons never works anyway. A really lousy lover rarely becomes fantastic but a good one can go either way - had one who actually 'forgot" how to kiss it was really strange. Relationships can go so many ways, great sex/iffy everything else - won't last, good sex/good everything else - good possiblity, poor sex/okay everything else- sometimes lasts but not usually very happy. It's all what you each are willing or not willing to live with.

Tenderness, caring, passion, a desire to pleasure your partner, you sound you're on the right track. I think our moderator is right in her assessment that your lady is trying to recreate a great experience. If that means that she is open to experimenting and trying new things to see what works, you've got a good shot at this. If she wants to try to turn you into someone else, it won't work. You and she have to get past this ranking stuff, as you learn each other and grow into the relationship the sex should get better and better. Check out the Bodansky's books, that just may put it right over the top. But remember that good sex is only part of the equation.

**sTyLeRock** · 09-12-2008 01:21 AM

Well i mean relationship wise i'll treat her right, i mean i'm an only child of a single mother and i've never met my father and we are not close with any other family so i'm a mammas boy, but she did raise me to treat women right.

Tonight she is coming down for the weekend (Remember long distance relationship) i've got aroma candles, massage oil and other bits and pieces and i've been reading up all week on Sensual Massages,

Romance sweeps her off her feet so i know she'll love it.

I don't know i just gotta stop thinking about the past and focus on now, it's just hard thats all..

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