Is this cheating

**PB-J** · 10-08-2008 03:31 PM

hey guys

I have a friend that i know for a very long time. We were always very close but nothing sexual ever happenned. Sometimes we would get together and watch a movie and cuddle during the movie. If I was sleeping at his house, we would usually share the same bed, but nothing physical would happen. i trust him a lot and to me, it was never a big deal that we were doing that. It felt good. I now have a boy friend for quite a few years and due to moving I had not see that friend in a long time. I went back to visit my home town recently and we got together for a few beers. One night while I was visiting, we went to his place, we were chatting and we ended the night by watching a movie. About halfway through the movie he lay his head on my shoulder and by old habbit, I did cuddle with him back. It took a fraction of a sec (which seemed lot longer then) for me to realize that I now have a boyfriend. I asked myself the question of "am i doing anything wrong"... Deep down inside of me, I wasn't feeling that there was something wrong because I was not sexually involve with and had no intention of leading things there either. There was no emotions involved, no temptation or desire either. We ended up cuddling for the entire movie and after that went to bed. We slept beside each other bt again, nothing happened.

to me it was like the old days where we used to do that all the time...but i forgot that i am not a teenager anymore and that these things are not really okay when you have a boyfriend...

is it cheating?? or is it just a wrong move?

**miffed23** · 10-08-2008 04:24 PM

Hey, im going to jump straight in here...

I have a very, very close male friend, who i love with all my heart..and like you, nothing sexual has every happened... i love him to the extent that if a boyfriend had a problem with our relationship, i would leave my boyfriend...

So, no, 'I' dont class this as cheating at all... however, if you are keeping this other guy from your boyfriend, i would be a little concerned... if you havent already, let your boyfriend know about his guy and how you feel for him, elaborate that it is nothing sexual in the slightest and that you only have romantic feelings for him (boyfriend).

Id suggest letting your man meet this friend, all go out for a drink or something... just to put your boyfriends mind at ease.

**JLM24** · 10-08-2008 05:09 PM

I agree if you and your friend or just friends than it shouldnt be a problem with your boyfriend. You should've been let you boyfriend know about him seeming yall have been together for a few years.

I have a male as a bestfriend and any relationship i have been in they have known that up front whether we were just friends are not. Im currently in a relationship now and my boyfriends knows my bestfriend and knows how much he means to me and that i will never stop being his friend over a relationship.

you just have to be able to convince your boyfriend that yall are just friends like brothers and sisters and nothing more. Which might be a lil hard now if you haven't already told your boyfriend about him.

And another thing. You said it yourself: you are not a teenager anymore so the things yall used to do should not be going on now. cuddling another person besides you companion is not right at all. How would you feel if your boyfriend was cuddling his female friend. so think as if the shoe is on the other foot. if you dont want him to be doing than you shouldnt be doing.

**PB-J** · 10-08-2008 05:25 PM

My BF know about this guy as well as the story behind it. He knew how our friendship was before. He always said he was fine with it but like I said I had not seen that friend in a long time because I live too far now. When I went back to see him, my BF opinion suddenly changed in this regards.

I would like for them to be introduced but the problem is; my Bf only speaks english and my friend only speak french so the communication would be really weird. I told my BF that I saw that friend when I went to visit, but haven't said anything about the cuddling tho...he would have assume right away that I cheated on him. Since I came back home, he has been really jealous and quite possessive and I don't know how else I can explain to him that I do not cheat on him...ho he is beeing quite suspicious so I am about to tell him about the "cuddling" part because he deserves to know. I know he will tell me right away that I cheated on him, so I was more wondering if I should just give up and say "yeah okay I cheated" or if I should fight the fact that I didn't cheat.

Either way, I will be single tomorrow for sure now, because i know he won't believe that nohing happenned.

**Joy** · 10-08-2008 07:45 PM

I don't know i really hate to say this cause it will be a double standard lol but i would not say anything at all about the cuddle. I don't know when i read it seemed like reminicing about teenage days and being home sick.

On the other hand if he found out thru other sources your current BF would be hurt either way.

**Franciz84** · 10-08-2008 08:50 PM

No.. It is NOT CHEATING... Nothing was happen to you...
Dont feel bad, dear. =)

But for me as a guy... I would feel a little bit "jealous" if i'll find out my GF was sleeping with a guy unknown to me.
To avoid this, let the two meet and be a good friend. So that when you had a sleep over with you friend, your boyfriend wouldnt feel jealous.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-09-2008 02:28 AM

I agree, I wouldn't state the cuddling bit at all.

He is purely protecting what is his.

He knew that there was nothing before, but it's scary for a man who knows how close you were, then knows you were there ( IN HIS BED) I wouldn't have done that bit.

I would tell your "friend" that the friendship hasn't changed but morals stands in the way of being able to have that "emotional bond" in that regard, of sleeping next to each other, it's not fare on a partner.

I would tell your boyfriend that you had a great time catching up and that you did not interact as you used to, because you are in a committed relationship.

I say this because I also have a "friend" that I used to sleep next too fully clothed when we went out as $100 to get home was stup1d, but that was the extent and we still go out.

But, if i have a boyfriend, I wouldn't do it, I would still stay over, I would still be my "mate" to him, but I would sleep on the lounge.

There is just a bit of a fine line I think, and we need to look at it from a partners point of view.

Your woman laying next to "any man" is not on, it's not jealousy rather respect.

Sorry, that's my opinion.

CW

**N01** · 10-09-2008 06:09 AM

Originally Posted by PB-J

... so I was more wondering if I should just give up and say "yeah okay I cheated" or if I should fight the fact that I didn't cheat.

DO NOT LIE ABOUT ANY OF IT.

IF SOMETHING HAPPENED, TELL IT LIKE IT IS.

IF NOTHING HAPPENED, DON'T SAY IT DID JUST TO MAKE IT EASIER.

Trust is something precious, and is very hard to get back once it's gone. Now you may not want to offer up information until it's asked about, but lying about something because it's easier or to "just give up" will kill the relationship eventually.

There are 2 people i feel very much the same way about. I am sure that neither of their significant others would really be OK with me being in the same bed with them, even though I know nothing would ever happen between us. It's tough loving a member of the opposite gender and wanting to be that close with them when someone is involved with another. And I know it's hypocritical, but I'd be bothered if my SO had a close friend like that and they slept in the same bed, even if there was video showing nothing happened.

intellectually I know there's no difference. emotionally it wouldn't be easy. sad thing is you'll probably need to change your relationship with your friend somewhat if you want to keep both of them.

what's the saying, it's a gift and a curse! it's a really great and yet painful place to be, and I am so sorry you are in this position.

**sourpuss** · 10-09-2008 11:34 AM

I guess the question would be, how would you feel if your boyfriend was cuddling with an old friend and sleeping in her bed?

**JWB_pof** · 10-09-2008 09:10 PM

all replies are great ones, and each made valid points.
2 things stand out to me and they are:

1- you are not cheating, but things should change/stop. depending how you cuddle, you may want to change that just a bit, you know lower it down a notch & stop sleeping in the same bed. although you are innocently just sleeping, it can lead to impure thoughts from both you and your b/f and may cause a bit of trouble.

2- great question was asked, how would you like it if your boyfriend slept with his best female friend.

one thing i learned and that was to ask yourself the question you may be asking someone else. this usually (but not always) will answer your own question.

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