sweetappl2

My boyfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because he needed to figure out what was going on with his life. He's been real down on himself because he doesn't know what he wants to do and it shows even at work. He is a very mature guy for his age, very trustful, honest, and loving and I know that he is really having an issue with this and that he needs time. It is not just some excuse to get out of a relationship, he has very high expectations for himself. He said he is ready to settle down (just in general) and that he just doesn't feel like he is prepared for that because he still doesn't know for sure what to do (go to the military, school, job, etc).

Well for the first three weeks I made the mistake of keeping in touch with him too much and we would get into arguments and stuff and it was just horrible. I finally broke down to one of my closest girlfriends because I felt like the whole time, I was still in a relationship with him because we talked all the time. Well a little over a week ago with her advice, I stopped calling and texting him and he really has come back. He's been taking the initiative and he'll even make comments where he thinks I'm seeing another guy or something because I am happy at work and choosing to live my life. He seems to be a bit jealous. He also asks why I don't talk to him as much and overall I could tell that it was bugging him. Since i stopped talking to him as much, he's been a lot more cutsy around me and friendly.

Today he wanted to hang out and I agreed. It was an absolutely wonderful day, however he still hasn't given me any answers on us. The other night he randomly txted me at 3 in the morning and asked if we got back together how far would the relationship go? it really seemed as if he was looking to see if I would say long term because I know he is considering the military. I felt the whole day we hung out, like we were back together because I talked to him/he talked to me like I did when I was dating him and he was very cutsy, smiling, joked with me, tried to tickle me, and happy to see me. However, he noticed I was kinda down throughout the day and said well maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore just in groups. I told him it was just because we had such an amazing day that it made me miss the times we had. He has told me on occasion that he misses it too, and he really acted toward me the same way as when we were dating. I guess what I'm worried about is I don't want to fall into the "friend zone" in that its okay to be just friends, he can still be happy hanging out with me in the same way because that is not what I want. I'm not sure what to do from here.... I don't know if I should continue acting distant? By distant, I mean him calling and txting me all the time. I always answer when he does, but should I be doing that?

sweetappl2

Oh yeah... I forgot to mention, yes we have always hoped that we would get back together. I'm just worried about the hanging out n slipping into the friend zone and if we should be doing that. He seems to just be more like fate will decide whether we will be back together and Im the one that is really hoping so.

CHANDLERS WISH

Fate works in mysterious ways.

I think that he has his whole future to consider and because you are both young, he is torn between, will you be his future wife, or is it just as is, a relationship and therefore, he should in fact consider the Military.

Off course he is jealous and trust me, ignoring and not always being there when someone wants you "makes them want you more" so i certainly would continue doing this, and answer late, instead of straight away.

However, don't play games if this is the guy you can see that you want to spend the rest of your life with then tell him so.

If that's the case, in all honesty, you will also cope with him being in the Military if he choses that, that is what he wants to do. All-be-it incredibly hard to do, if you truly are definately in total love with him, can't visualise never ever seeing him again for the rest of your life, you will gladly wait the months and months of never seeing him, can you do that?

This is an important decision in your lives, one that will make or break you.

If you can't see that you can't live without him, but you "love him" then you have to let him go and be himself, this is his life too and the last thing he needs is a woman who 6 months later, says I can't cope and I've met someone else, when he dreamed and believed.

Have a deep think.

And best of luck with your decision jointly.

Understand that communication is one of the major keys pertaining to a relationship so it is important to talk it through...

CW

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Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....
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N01

+1 on what CW says. she's right yet again.

sweetappl2

Well I had a talk with him. He didn't call me or text me at all the day after we hung out but then he briefly called me today on his way to work. I asked him you know how you asked that question about what I felt about you, like if we would be long term or think that he was someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with? I was wondering what your answer to the question was about me. And he told me without hesitation that he felt the same way that I felt.... that I wanted to be with him. And that made me feel better.

Trouble is we are still broken up... I know he needs time to think and I'm trying my best to be patient and support him through this time. Its just been nervewracking wondering what has been going on inside his head so I finally asked him. I guess I should just try to limit contact, let him come to me, give him his space, etc??? I just wish he'd come around soon. I miss him! He always gets worried adn thinks that I don't want to talk to him such as yesterday when we didn't talk. I just haven't been initiating contact. Sigh.. I just wish things could be wonderful and us be back together again.

CHANDLERS WISH

That my sweet is a game, treat them mean keep them keen, that is only for the beginning of a realtionship.

Or at the end, of one, whereby, they have walked, but want you to stay in touch, need, to feel needed and still loved, can't move on themselves, won't give you what you want but still need you, still in love but feel that they have to move on.

In that case, you do exactly what you are suggesting "sigh" you ignore, you do thinks they wouldn't think you would do, such as go to the gym, things that means other Males may see you, befriend you you scare them.

I think you didn't answer his question, instead you ASKED A question, what about me?

Bite the bullet, you didn't answer mine either. Can you see your whole life with him can't fathom never seeing him again, or just the relationship... a person, the attention, that was?

Sorry for being blunt but you haven't told him what he needs to know you have both just stated, "what you want"...

CW

__________________
Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.


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sweetappl2

I did answer his question. He asked me a few days ago. I told him that yes I could see him as someone I could be with for the rest of my life. Just that you can never know what happens in the future, cause I mean I didn't even think this break-up would happen! He said he didn't know it would happen either. It seems silly to say, yeah! You're definately the one... when we've only been dating for 2 months but yet we have this amazing connection and its almost like we know that we should end up together. I don't want to scare him or anything.

On a seperate day I asked him those same questions, am I someone you could see yourself being with the rest of your life? And he said yes, without hesitation.

So both of the questions are answered. But we are just not together... yet

CHANDLERS WISH

DANG.... You didn't say you were only going out for a few weeks first? lol.

You know, there lies the problem within itself, how can either of you ascertain honestly if you want to spend the rest of your lives together, after 2 months?

Well, I know that we "feel" that we do, but that is because we are in the stages of "lust" all those emotions are new, we haven't "settled" down yet to see any other sides than what is, typically at the beginning of any relationship.

My ex-husband asked me to marry him after "3 weeks" with an engagement ring, I said yes because we got on sooo well... But planned the wedding for 18 months, so that i could be sure, bugger, i was still wrong, lol.. Actually, truthfully i was an older bride and I should have seen that what we were, were friends, marriage destroyed us it was this is my space, this is mine, etc...

Point being, that you can look in each other's eyes at 2 months and truly think that it's something magical... as you are, as you do.

I would suggest that he is at a cross roads, of "youth", career? marriage? can't stay with you and go off to the Army, because the stats are low, where it comes to a woman waiting for a guy for that long. What do I want to do, have to deside Now, because it's only been two months, easier to do so now than when it's been 6 months.

But, don't get me wrong, two months is also long enough to know that you really love being together and have feelings for each other, even strong ones, but to deside on marriage for future? I think that's too early.

I think that you have to go with this one, and say, listen, no point staying away from me, you know we are good together. If you decide to go to the Army so be it, I will stand by you, this is your life as well. But, I don't have a crystal ball, neither do you.

So, neither of us can say what may happen in the future.


I think that he is sensible for wondering about his future plans career wise, but he can't be starting a relationship, stopping it, from that worrying...

Tell him you miss him and want to see him and sit him down and tell him you understand about his career, what ever he desides, he does. And think about the above in the words in which you want to say what parts you feel are true.


CW

__________________
Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.


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Jay123

As for me, I can say that alot of people go through these things. Even I have. The best thing to tell your bf is that he can take time to figure out what he wants to do. Relationship wise, I dont think its a bad thing when people ask where you see a relationship going. I do it upfront. Ask questions like what does this relationship mean to us both, What we both have to offer, and discuss small topics that can come up in the future such as marriage, travel, education, and children.

Goodluck!
Jay123

sweetappl2

Well here's an update to what's been going on.

He had decided what he wanted and that is the Coast Guard. He has gone from saying that it is only time that he needs before we get back together...to now saying we need more time to figure out if we can handle it. He brought up his past and how he was cheated on by his gf with his best friend. And so he has to be "cautious" with us. This wasn't an issue before, I think it was now brought up because it would have to be a distance thing. I did go to school for 4 weeks, and everything was fine so I do know we can handle at least somewhat distance (i know military is different). That just was a slap in the face to me when he toldme that. I care for him so much and would never ever in my life ever even think of cheating on somebody. I know that even when we are home, he can get jealous pretty quick and feel like he has to keep tabs on me or watch me (not excessively, but you know he doesn't trust other guys)

So I have been real upset about all this, cause I told him. Look, I want to be with you!

I just don't understand how we can "figure it out" if we can handle it unless we take that leap of faith and do it! It doesn't make any sense to me. It hurts because it seems like I'm ready to get up and take that leap of faith to be with him (ive been cheated on too in my past) but he is not. I don't know what I can do, if anything. I've told him multiple times that he knows I would never do anything, and he knows it but the past still haunts him I guess. He still cares so much, Iknow he does. Its crazy to even think we are broken up.

This is the same guy who broke up with ME. He still calls me every single day and even panics when I dont answer right away. Text messages everyday, and is still being all flirty and wantin to hang out with me. I did write a letter explaining my feelings in how I think it can work, what's been upsetting me and things like that. He knows I wrote it but I have yet to share it cause he's been getting upset at me for random things lately.... like even if I am sitting in a group being quiet... he gets upset and won't talk to me the rest of the day. I find it weird that he gets upset over what I do, even though we are not together. That is why this whole thing has been so rough, cause he makes me feel like were still together but we're not and I don't get that emotional primary need. I am just waiting for the right time to share this letter.

I feel it is my last hope. Because how can a relationship work unless he is willing to take that leap of faith to be with someone he cares about?