this is a tough one in general.
i find it hard to lose who you love, especially if they are with someone else that is a deep wound. you love someone very much and your heart is broken that they left, but to know they either left to be with someone else or in a short time is with someone else is like pouring salt in an open wound. it hurts deep that you are not a part of their life anymore and someone has replaced you.
now with baggage, their are problems there too. some do not know how to deal with things, some hold onto things that shouldnt be a problem, some make an issue of lack of trust, self-asteam, drugs, alcohol, and much much more. some just cant deal with things and it can be a damaging thing to the next relationship. a perosn can only be so patient, and has a tolerance for so much that one can toss at them.
an example we can say would be trust: if one got used or cheated on, and someone keeps that baggage, it will be difficult to trust the next one. everwhere that person goes, who they talk to, if they dont answer a phone etc etc, will become a fight or argument. and why, because trust is a huge part along with communication in a relationship. without these 2 alone (plus others) a relationship will be extreamly hard and most likely will not work.
i have seen this with so many. i have been involved in it myself.
we all have baggage, skelotons in our closets, and secrets of the past. not one person is amune to it. its how each deals with it and can let things be past and take it for what it was. even if it hurts ourselves we must move on forward and not stand still, and not dwindle on the past.
sometimes i wish we had the animals life to "just do" and not worry about anything. things would be so easier. take any animal, mate for life or not. they have no baggage, they have no skelotons in their closet. they have no troubles except for humans taking away thier land and fight for survival only. without humans they would have an easier life.
JWB, you are so right! Fortunately my situation has rebalanced, I'm starting to see the pattern and I can live with it as I come to understand him better. We are both dealing with a lot and are actively and consciously working on ourselves and sel awareness. We are committed to our freindship first and have agreed that we would each sacrifice a great deal to keep that.
When he really starts to dig deep or has a lot of outside pressures, he needs to back off of intimancy for a while and deal with it. He get defensive then, I think he's had some very negative responses when he's done this in the past. We are still learning each other but hold a deep respect for each other's needs. He is learning that I can handle his moods so long as he lets me know that he just needs space for a while and that I'm not going to make wild accusations or get jealous. In turn I am learning to do a better job of communicating my real needs and feelings. Not expecting him to read my mind somehow. I can go have fun and be happy without him and he knows that when he is ready to be with me he won't have to deal with anger and resentment. He can just join in and we enjoy each other. We also have some deep and intense disscussions. In many ways this is a simply amazing time of discovery and development for me and I think for him too. We are working on turning what could be negatives into positives. It's a learning experience.
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