Which is tougher to deal with

**WildChild** · 11-01-2008 04:04 PM

Which is tougher to deal with, the people your love interest might meet other than you or the baggage they carry from the past?

I'm not easily jealous. Despite my first husband breaking my heart having multiple affairs and an engagement I called off some years later for the same reason, I don't really worry much about this. What I am finding really tough to deal with though are the ghosts of girl friends past. OK, by the time we pass forty we've all got a history and a list of heartbreaks. I try to learn what I can from the experiences and treat a new relationship as something fresh, starting on a clean page. I do not assume that because this one screwed around and that one treated me like , the other one got access to my bank account and cleaned me out, that every man I meet will do the same.

I meet and talk quite a few people and over and over hear stories that seem to indicate that men do this more than women. I dealt with it in my last marriage and I'm dealing with it again. Sometimes I just have to say, wait a minute, I haven't done those things to you or anyone else, why do expect me to pay the price?

Is this just something I attract? In my youth jealously seemed to be the bigger issue. I'm curious, what are some of your experiences with these issues, which is tougher?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-01-2008 04:42 PM

I think that the analogy of " If he cheats then I can find a way to make him not stray, surely" and therefore, we maybe accept this more so.. Or, that we know that they love us and the cheating was a one night stand, or the man part ruled the brain.

But, with the continual thought or hurt of a past relationship, is very very difficult to overcome, to jump over and so, we are constantly battling every single day trying to get that person over that past. Is it you attracting them? I don't think so and age should make it easier but for some reason I don't think age matters at all.

My ex-husband married at 31, she was 21, both were Virgins.. Yep.. (hope he never finds this site) haha.

And, whilst it was all good to start with, she started putting on weight and he let her know that he was not impressed? And, so she ran off with a tall skinny guy that liked her for her.

From there onwards, he ( the ex) tried to "save" women and went out with those whom had problems, like alcohol or rape , 4 ladies. He could not save any of them.

From there off course me married me ( I don't need saving) but I spent 7 years convincing him or trying to that I would not cheat, ( see how that interacts?), and that I didn't need saving.

To him, all women were (bad) they would all cheat eventually (proved him wrong) but as a result, our sexual life was non-eventful because I could never be me, it would look like i was one of those.... and the constant trying to help him overcome the past, especially financially ( as she took him) and so separate accounts, constant arguing over money as he would not spend, ( only on himself and his mortgage) which actually was (our mortgage) but no food, bills, holidays, dinners, etc, that was all mine to pay.

In other-words, I was unable to ever get him to jump over "no, we are not all, and no I don't want your money I have my own etc" but the constant rememberance of his past led him to lose his present and possibly his future.

I will add he never thought he had a problem, or any problems nor would he try councelling, ( didn't need to), he did so with the 4 girlfriends, but that was to help them, not him...

Denial.

That is possibly the only word I can use for you WC, denial..

How do you get someone past that word?

Not easy..

May never be able to...

Who knows.

CW

**WildChild** · 11-01-2008 06:39 PM

Wow, we were married to emotional twins! My recent ex had only slept with 2 women before I came along and he's narcisstic but otherwise same stuff; sep finances - I bought his clothes, all the food (he's over 300 lbs) anything I or my kids needed, all gifts, household goods and he paid the mortgage, cable and utilities on 'his' house. The elec was through the roof because he had dozens of large aquariums running 24/7 and the cable was high cuz TV was his primary activity. Since he wasn't interested in sex, he was convinced I was having affairs (I didn't), he lumped me, his mother his ex and all old gfs into one idea of women and blamed me for everything he thought they had even done to him. Some of it was crazy, stuff from high school or something. " You never let me..." was a common statement. He did tell me a while back that he had tried to 'save' me and that I and the women he had dated in college wouldn't accept his help because we were too messed up. What he was saving me from I'm not sure, I was happy and doing fine.

The current man is aware of his issues with the past, his like some of mine, go back to childhood, and he is doing a lot of self examination and work. He's self talked himself for so long on some stuff that it's hard to get past. We do talk about both our 'stuff' and as loving friends are trying to help each other with our insight and support. Time will tell how far this will go but he a wonderful freind and vary caring. He just won't do anything that he regards as romantic or love. It's funny because people who knows us or see us together comment that we are perfectly suited to each other and they see him as loving me - this is while he is being very careful to be sure we act only as freinds (with benefits). I have a lot on my plate right now and am willing to give this some time but at some point will have to see some change. I don't ever want to marry again, not sure I'd want to live together but I do want some passion and love in my life.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-01-2008 06:54 PM

but I do want some passion and love in my life.

PASSION: (Physical)
LOVE: (Emotional)

It is interesting that you made this particular comment and i was talking to someone I care about immensely as a person, about exactly this today..

That being that I was trying to explain where I think I am heading, what is going on in my mind, and where I sit in a new "relationship"...

Off course we all understand what constitutes a relationship and why so many fail as they are missing one or the other link " passion or love" and therefore, we seek both.

My thoughts were based on yes, but having been single for 18 months in short and knowing i off course like anyone want both this time in my life, well actually in retrospect I had neither really in my marriage ( love being emotional support, hugs, kisses, warmth, a rose ) etc. Would I go for the passion? Or the love?

In otherwords... Attraction of the physical , then finding that side is all you desired ever and can relate 100% to in being, can you then formulate the "love", emotions, easier than the other way around. That being that you go for the guy who cares, who shows this and you fall for that person, you acknowledge his way of thinking and you like that too, but let's say he is not passionate in bed at all, or is but it's just not a connection and so you settle..

It's weird, but for what ever reason I figger, if you go with the passion you have a better chance of turning that into emotionals and love, or at the worse, you can establish if that side is existant and good and therefore, bring the respect, trust etc into a relationship and have a good relationship.

So, my view is, go with the passion and see the person from there, if he is not the right one, fine, try again.

Or am I now just a dirty old woman? (haha)

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-01-2008 07:01 PM

I should add WC, that you really don't know if the emotional person is passionate off course, as you haven't experienced that, such confusion hey? lol.

**WildChild** · 11-01-2008 09:39 PM

You got me thinking about what love and passion are. I know people who love each other but have no passion. I can't think of many cases with passion but not love. I see both as having an emotional componet. Many people who post here, speak of relationships with someone they love but there is little or no sex and seems to be few shared interests or even individual interests that they feel intensly about. To me they seem to be without passion in their lives. I think of passion as a level of intensity. I can love a person, a flower, an activity, but if I am passionate about it it's a much stronger, deeper, more intense feeling.

There are kisses and then there are KISSES, ones that literally melt you together and can bring you to orgasm -with just the kiss - that is passion. I suppose you are right that it brings a stronger physical aspect, if you are passionate, you feel it with your entire body as well as emotion. When you are doing something you are passionate about, you can forget to eat, it seems no time has passed but it has been hours, you can get lost in it.

I partially shut down emotionally in my last marriage, I had to in order to handle all the illness and financial trouble and keep going. Now I'm in a relationship that started with passion in the mix but he pulled back because he'd been badly burned in his last relationship and was feeling skittish about the level of emotion. I have so much to deal with right now but have a feeling it will all resolve at about the same time - close to the end of the year. Then I will be ready to rebalance and rediscover my passion and joy. Next year should be amazing! The question is if he will take the ride, because when I turn it on, things happen!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-01-2008 11:28 PM

I can't think of many cases with passion but not love

I think that, that is what I am trying to say.

Late night out with a girlfriend last night, thoughts are not going down well on paper haha.

"Look for a passionate person". If a person is passionate, then they will be passionate in everything that they do, and so, romance and being positive about life, never giving up, all become a part of it (a passionate person)..

I would add to that and say "confident"..

Because to be passionate about life, your job, your family, friends, you have to also have confidence to "believe", in my opinion...

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-02-2008 12:37 AM

I partially shut down emotionally in my last marriage, I had to in order to handle all the illness and financial trouble and keep going. Now I'm in a relationship that started with passion in the mix but he pulled back because he'd been badly burned in his last relationship and was feeling skittish about the level of emotion. I have so much to deal with right now but have a feeling it will all resolve at about the same time - close to the end of the year. Then I will be ready to rebalance and rediscover my passion and joy. Next year should be amazing! The question is if he will take the ride, because when I turn it on, things happen!

Personally what I find difficult the most for people to deal with in emotions, is the stress that it takes on you, emotionally and financially.

I hope that this new man whom is passionate, can also re-gain the confidence and be all that you desire.

But WC, from the sounds of it, irrespective, you have actually found a guy whom is not cheating, would not cheat, treats you well, is not abusive, doesn't use you etc, etc, and therefore I would say to you "grow" with that knowledge that you in-deed and now attractiing the more attainable person as to what you want out of a man/relationship....

CW

**sTyLeRock** · 11-02-2008 05:07 PM

So you feel your being punished for your partners past relationships,

i am kinda getting a little bit of the same thing, i feel it is unfair but at the same time understandable.

I also felt same things about her going to cheat on me, and i've only been with 1-2 people before her.. maybe guys who haven't been around are insecure? i know she cares deeply and won't hurt me.

But my problem if her sexual past.. I think my Pride just won't let it go. and thoughts go through my head, "How Can i be with Someone like her" "How can she disrespect herself and let that happen" and she has been in a couple relationships of love and i'd say i have been in one other but i didn't feel as strongly as i do for her as i did my ex but i get thoughts of "How can she ever fully love me? her heart must still be in her past. how could it now she's been with so many people"

This saturday though i am getting some counsoling from a PUA Coach who uses many techniques and can literally change morals and beliefs... hopefully this helps me.

But Logically my reply is just keep revalidating him that you won't cheat. it should get lodged in there soon. if it doesn't and it becomes a chore and wears you out... that could end the relationship, have you asked him, what do i need to do to prove it? he might know what he needs and is waiting for you to do it, but ur no mind reader.

Dunno why but some people assume the other person should act another way or do this or that that sez they love you..

**WildChild** · 11-02-2008 07:28 PM

Thanks for the insights StyleRock. I don't know that it's even a concern about cheating so much as a series of negative things - he's had some nut cases in his past. He's into the we'll just be super good friends with some sex thrown in. When we first got together, it was WoW, you're an amazing kisser, you're so responsive, ect. Then after a few months he sort of hit a wall and did a turn around, just freinds, don't get emotionally involved, no kissing (although I get kisses on the neck and other areas - just no lips). His self talk it that it never lasts more than 6 months (we're passing 8), yet I know he's had relationships that have lasted several years. He apparently can't handle living with any one for very long. His marriage ended because of her infidelity. I've dealt with some of this too but made a choice to treat a new relationship as entirely new, at least as far as I'm able. Neither of us wants marriage, he thinks he doesn't want love either. He's wrong, he's a very loving man, he just doesn't want to get hurt again. I think it's a matter of establishing the kind of trust that only time can bring. If nothing else I want his freindship, the rest is not worth losing that over and he's said the same.

I'm willing to give it time. He has a good heart and has had a tough life. That may part of why we understand each other pretty well, we've both been through the mill. It's just frustrating because I can't give fully, sexually or in many other ways with this wall up.

I've read most of your posts about your situation. You know, being able to understand this comes with time and going through a few relationships. As you get some history of your own you will understand better, unfortunately that doesn't help you right now. Think of it like freindhips, you have freinds and are really close and then sometimes drift apart, some you may come to disagree with and part company. Does that make new friendships less good? Does it make you a less worthy or valuable as a friend? No, you learn more about what makes a good friend. Relationships work the same way pretty much. Do you weigh and compare your friends? Probably not - same thing.

I've been through a few men in my half a century and really don't make comparisons. The relationships that were ugly, I look at for patterns to avoid, the good ones I remember fondly but know there were reasons to move on. I think most people do the same. If you can't get past this you won't be doing either of you a favor by trying to hang on. Having sex with different people isn't necessarily a matter of disrespecting yourself. You may need to chalk this one up to experience and move on, if you were Really crazy about her, it wouldn't matter so much.

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