Thread: Boyfriend becomes distant when he's stressed

Thanks Wild.. I'll geta copy this weekend.

Lets not limit that "boiling point" for negative emotions to men. I knwo I have that problem as well. For em it stemmed from an abusive relationship that I'm still working through everyday. I wont talk about what's bothering me unless it's either dragged out of me or I start drinking... never good either way. I'm starting to geta little better but that sort of conditioning is hard to get past.

Originally Posted by sTyLeRock

I don't usually need alone time, but if i start to feel negative feelings or my mind stiring up on me, i'll go numb and distant on my girlfriend.

Obviously lots of guys feel this way- everyone has mood swings but with men they're not necessarily as open to express their emotions as women are, so we shouldn't hold it against them, rather we should be supportive.

Originally Posted by crzyredhead21

I wont talk about what's bothering me unless it's either dragged out of me or I start drinking... never good either way. I'm starting to geta little better but that sort of conditioning is hard to get past.

And perhaps you have the same communication issues. I know it sounds cliche' but may I suggest a journal? In a journal you can write any thought you have completely secretly and then go back and flip thru it when you don't feel as crappy as you did when you wrote it. It gives a feeling of closure that I can't explain. If that isn't an option, try coming on this site more when you feel yucky and let us help you feel a little more happy about yourself!

Yeah I did have one for along time but my now ex b/f found it... read it.. and used it against me many 'o times. I dont feel comfortable havign one anymore... keep feeling like someone will read it again. Talk about my privacy being violated!

Welcome to the club

I think all men do this to an extent, even though it seems counterproductive to me. Maybe it's because they have this expectation that they always have to be on top of things, and therefore have a hard time dealing with things when they go wrong. I once dated a guy who was like that. He would withdraw when something didn't work right on his car, for instance, as though it was some sort of attack by the universe on his competence as a man.

I don't think there's anything we can do about it, other than give them their space and be there when they're ready to return to the real world. I used to joke with him about it (not when he was in that frame of mind, of course). I called it his "man period". He laughed along with me, but it didn't change anything. I think it's just something we'll have to accept.

i need help, my man and i was together for 4years, but trough out the the last 2 years of our relationship i began to feel unhappy about a female friend of his that he talked too and was cold and distant to me , everytime we had a issue . well he been stress mostly with money reason. he came to see me last time since we leave in different state and couldn't just enjoy spending time with him with out thinking about the girl. to make things worse they leaved the same house and supposely he said the girl had feeling for him. trought the last 2 years i did stress that i didn't want that women leaving with him , but he seem not to do anything . a few days ago i told him i couldn't deal with the situation anymore if its stayed the same , than they was going to be no more us. he said nothing to me except im sorry for everything i put u through and sorry for being so selfish, but the weird thing he acted really nice he cooked meanwhile he was getting ready to return to his state. after we had the break up talk he stayed at my place for 2 more days but the whole time he didn talk to me . but he cooked took the trash out, left his stuff at my place and didn give me my keys back. than we he go to his city he texted me saying "im home , thanks"

please someone explain to me this crazy picture , i don't get it . its my first real relatioship and had trouble making sense of alot of things that was happening. i still love him, but im also not going to accept or be a in less than good relationship where a guy never talk when it came to problem that needed to be addressed. one part of me says forget him for good he doesn't care about you, another says he will come around he still love you but i don't know that. please let me know what u think im going crazy and feel so lonely since i spoke to him every night the whole 4 years. im confuse and don't know what to do.

Yup, I have to admit, that is me also... I've never read the book but I think I will get it as well.
It takes something extraordinarily unique to stress me out, but when that happens (currently happening right now - work issue), I do withdraw, not typically from my wife (unless she is the stressor), as she is my strength during these times. but I certainly do need to "pull back" analyze the situation" and how big of a deal it is vs what I'm making it, and then move forward to rectify it. I didn't realize either, that it was a "man thing", but knowing that does help.

Thanks all

Wow! WildchildThat was very helpful!!! I'm going through the same thing. My boyfriend have became very distant. He told me that he was stressed and upset. I just want to be there for him,because I care for him. I'm starting to think to much into it. The way he's acting, have me thinking is there someone else? Or am I the problem? I look back and try to figure out have I done anything. But I can't seem to find it. What should I do? One thing makes me feel a little better, we have talked for a little bit once a day,general conversation... I don't know what to do?

Originally Posted by WildChild

Dark, give it another read, Grey provides some pretty specific things to do or say. Also get a hold of one or two of Mama Gena's books, she teaches women to find joy in themselves and their lives. You can't make this man responsible for your happiness, it is yours, your joy, your responsibility, you can't share what you don't have. Find your happiness and joy and then if you choose you can take him along for the ride.

Why isn't there much you can do outside the house? Do you live in Antartica? Do you have limited mobility? Or have you limited yourself? Usually we are most limited by our own thinking - I've fallen into that trap too. Set your self free.

I know a young woman who is confined to a wheelchair, has been since age 10, she cannot stand at all. That girl is all over town, has a job, parties a bit too much, goes to school, is working on starting her own business - chances are with her disease she won't live to see 30. She doesn't see limitations, she too busy living. She has plenty to do outside the house, you could too if you chose to!

Depression is difficult but you have to choose to do something different. You've started by reaching out here, now start reaching out where you live. Find that book club, a gf to have tea with, a food bank to volunteer at, a park to walk in, a kite to fly. Do something, no matter how small, everyday, that is just to make your self feel good. Give yourself a pedicure, clean out the closet and get rid everything you don't love, take a walk and buy yourself a flower - or a whole bunch. Did you know that it has ben clinically proven that smelling fresh flowers lifts your mood? Joy posted something the other day that I've added to my affirmations (which adorn the walls of my home) " Make life happen for you, not to you!"
You can do it lady!