Thread: can a guy really learn and change?

he was official with the other two girls when he dated me, though. is that okay to be dating when you're officially with someone already?

but you're right, i should relax. in the end he chose me. it just worries me sometimes that he might do it again, (with me being the girlfriend this time.)

Originally Posted by someonereal_

i've been wondering about this for quite some time now. can guys change? can they make mistakes and learn to never do them again or will they eventually, inevitably do them again?

i've been with my boyfriend for two years. he's my first and i'm very much in love with him. he's made a number of mistakes regarding two-timing that i don't know if i want to remember or recount in detail very much, but that was before we became official.

(but i suppose i won't be able to drive my point home unless i say a little bit about his mistakes). to keep it short, i'll just say that when we were dating, he turned out to have a girlfriend and i turned out to be the other girl without my knowing it.

this has happened twice with him. both those times, whenever he'd finally tell me about his gf, he'd break up with her shortly after. (and no longer saw the girl after that, this i'm sure of.)

the first time it happened, i really tried my hardest to stop seeing him when i learned about it, even when he broke up with the girl shortly after, but somehow i found my way back to him (i am obviously very smitten).

during the second time, we were still just seeing each other and when he finally told me that he again had a gf (a different girl this time), he broke up with her that same night through the phone. he was really sincerely miserable about it, just as i was, and i'm pretty sure he no longer saw that second girl after that (because i look at her friendster.com profile all the time and she already has a bf not too long after they broke up) and anyone else for that matter.

to cut the story short, despite those two experiences, he still, somehow became my boyfriend and we've been together for two years since.

he knows that the thing with his other gfs hurt me very badly and from the time that we became an official couple i could see his effort and i could really feel his love. at the start of our relationship as a couple, it's been hard for him too because i become very jealous at times with his girl friends (which i think should be normal considering our history) even if there's really nothing going on, but he's been really patient with me about it. and whenever i ask him about a girl he knew he'd always tell me straight out who she was and how he knew her, so that i won't get jealous, or start doubting him. i can even probably say that he's paid his penance, cause i can be very difficult when i'm jealous.

things settled down after a year or so, and i've learned to trust him more since he's been very open to me and has been trying his hardest to regain my trust.

i know for a fact that he's been very faithful since that last incident years ago, and i'm very happy with him now. it's just that sometimes, i can't help getting uneasy because i don't know for sure if a guy can really change like that.

some say if he's done it before, he'll do it again. i don't really want to believe that. i'd rather believe that people, guys in particular, can and do change...but i don't know.

any thoughts on this?

(i apologize if this turned out to be a kilometric entry, and i apologize too because i know other women have worse problems than this.)

Believe me, every man is different. I'm a guy. It sounds like he loves you. He will try his best to change. I have never cheated on my first girlfriend and never will, and chances are, she will cheat on me before I will ever on her. However, this is not just me. Don't forget, he is also human, he will and has made mistakes. I'm sure you will and have as well. Recognize that he loves you. You are not holding a grudge and you are fine. It's okay to be jealous. I'm sure he's hurt that you're hurt. You need a set a limit for yourself. Warn him that if it ever happens again, there will be problems. Talk to him about it in person.

Well can guys change or ppl in general? That depends if they want change to occur in their life. Maybe you guys are more suited for an open relationship if he can't sexually commit to you. If this is the case why should you not be able to have sex with other men. He just has to learn to be honest when he gets the itch for another girl.

HOnesty and communication goes a long way in any relationship.

Don't apologize for your concerns that is what this board is for.... for everyone and anyone to be heard.

Guys can nevar learn!!!!1

thanks for the insights. =) i appreciate the differing opinions. i'm particularly glad to hear that most of the people here think that there's nothing to worry about.

i agree with joy, if he really wants to change then he probably will. i can see he's been trying and i guess that's what is important.

silvertae, i would very much like to believe that he was just immature back then and is starting to grow up. i heard somewhere that guys mature later than girls do hehe.

and peace of mind, thank you for the advice. it's refreshing to be able to get a guy's perspective on this as i usually only talk about this with my girl friends. you're right, i should talk to him and set a limit. communication is the key!