Thread: Girlfriends past devistating me, she's slept with guy that raped by ex-fiance+33more

Okay so to start out this is a rather involved messed up story and I've been trying to cope with and get my head right and forget about things for years. I'm to the point where I have to do something about my situation because I'm so physically and mentally stressed I'm making myself sick about it. I have a life decision to make soon and don't want to make the wrong decision and be miserable the rest of my life.

So I began dating my first real girlfriend as a sophmore in High School, I'm 24 now so this was quite some time ago. We dated all through high school, and after 3 years moved in together. She was my first love as I was hers, I was also the only person she'd ever been with sexually(two years after we started dating). We dated a total of five and a half years and were fully intended on getting married, and If you could go back in time and change only one thing we probably would be. We got engaged after around four and a half years and then things took an unexpected devistation! Well about a year or just a little longer before we finally ended things for good something really horrible happened (the reason for the end of the relationship too). I was out of town visiting a friend one weekend and my girl went out to a party with her friends. She was a hardcore lightweight when it came to drinking, and they all got rather drunk and she couldn't handle it well. What turned this situation out bad is that her friends left her at this party and went off to a bar. Well she knew nobody at the party and was so drunk she needed to go home, just so happens one of my closest guy friends was at the party and he offered her a ride. She was stumbling almost passed out drunk and decided that was a great idea to get outta there. Well being young and niave she didn't think about anything remotely bad possible. Dipshit however took her to his house instead of giving her a ride home and suggested she stay on his couch so he could take care of her if anything happened. I was on the phone with her and furious that she was there and she was bilegerant and made no sense and the phone call ended. I come home the next day and she came home to talk and was devistated crushed and crying to me. She told me that she woke up and he was having sex with her and she pushed him away and was bawling, and yet he refused to give her a ride home till morning and told her not to tell me. The police did nothing because she was so hurt and scared she didn't go to them for almost a month and by then they didn't even bother to investigate the rape.
My girl was very hurt and messed up from then on, it also did the same to our relationship. Over the course of the next year we fought more and she got very religious and went off to bible college to be a missionary. When she found god and became extreme religious in my opinion as a way of helping with the emotional damage; she broke up with me because of her bible college's policy and beleifs. It damaged me and I didn't date for 3 years.

Well all that behind there's more, sorry but this is the part that is really damaging more. I have forever hated my ex guy friend more than any person/thing/idea possible. I resent him and wish upon him the worst fate and karma imaginable. I have spent years trying to get the image and replayed scene out of my head but think about it every day. I'm still in love with my ex but i'm sure she'll never date me again.
I have since started dating someone again and it will soon be a year that we've been together. We are doing very well and I thought I would never love again but somehow we just got to the point where I realized I do love her and she's felt that way for some time. She is 24 as well and was a virgin up until she moved to the city we met at college. In the three years she's been here she has been with 34 people. I have been with a fraction as many people because sex to me isn't something needing to be done as casually as having a beer with a buddy. That bugs me to no end, I get images and thoughts all day long sometimes, and have to constantly try to keep my mind busy and on other things to not think about it. My first girl was a virgin and I view sex as something very special and to be done only where love is involved. There is no way however she fell in love with 34 people in 3 years, many to most were one night stands or short term drunk buddies.
The big WHAMMIE in this story is that we started having sex as sex buddies two years before actually dating. During that two years I started to slowly fall for her and that's how it ended up happening. But we weren't dating those two years and she slept with lots of other people. The worst part of this story is that one of the one night stands was the guy who was my once one of my best friends that RAPED my ex girlfriend who i'd be married to if not for him. So not only now do I have movies and mental images of him raping my ex, but movies and images of my current girl having enjoyable consentful sex with him.
This devistates me and I have fallen more and more in love with her and have no reason to doubt her faithfullness to me now. Past is past but it's ed up in this case. I don't know what to do.

Another question I have and an issue that is bothersome. She has an excel spreadsheet of a calender starting when she became sexually active. It has the names and dates of every guy she's ever slept with. Including the exact date of EVERY occurence. It makes me sick to know about it. Is this normal or should I have every reason to be disgusted about it. I understand while she was sexually active with more than one person it's okay for the reason of if getting pregnant. But she still has it and has recently opened it at my house to look at things. I've never looked but it bothers me and I want it gone.

We will both graduate college soon and have talked alot about moving away and living together in a bigger city. I love her very much and she's been an AMAZING girlfriend. We have been dating for almost a year, but have the two year past of having sex before that, which was always amazing and she does tell me it's the best she's ever had with me. I have never loved another girl as much since getting my heart torn to shreds with my last experience of life unfolding the way you'd never planned. She's helped me through some very hard times and problems and has kept me together in many ways, but her past haunts me. When we have sex and she's orgasming I think to myself, How many other people have seen this face, been inside her, gotten sucked off. It has gotten to me more and more over time and I'm about to have a mental breakdown. What makes it worse yet is that we worked together at a resturant for 3 years and i personally know many of the people she's hooked up with, some of which were friends but I now can't be around them because I think of them and my girl. I need to decide weather I can bury away these thoughts and images and spend my life with her, or if It's always going to bug and haunt me just as much or worse. That wouldn't be fair to either of us and I will stress myself to death. Any ideas on ways of coping or forgetting about it, or a better way to deal with this issue would be greatly appreciated.