Don't know how to date :(
I'm a freshman in college who comes from a very conservative family. My parents are overprotective and I have never been allowed to date. Regardless, I have always been open to breaking this rule if I found the right person. I mean, as much as I love and respect my parents, they come from a different culture that merely does not accept romance before marriage. I, as an individual separate of my parents, value the physical and emotional connection that comes with being in a relationship and want to take in this experience. Quite frankly, I'm also just very lonely. I hate always being on the sideline in terms of romance.
Through the years, my dating life has really just sucked. I've had guys approach me, but I have never been attracted to them back. Finally, this year, I let go of some of the shyness that has held me back from approaching guys romantically. There was this guy in one of my classes who I was attracted to (a senior). He added me as a friend on Facebook and and we started talking. I mustered up the courage to ask him if he wanted to hang out some time. We did hang out for like an hour and it was fun getting to know him. But it was the day before I had to leave for winter break so there wasn't much more we could do face-to-face. We kept in touch a little over break (some flirt texting, etc.) and on Christmas he told me he was attracted to me and that we would hang out some more after we both got back.
It's been about a week since we came back and we've talked a little. Day before yesterday, we had a very intimate conversation on the phone and I told him my situation about having no experience. He was cool with this and we're on the same page in terms of what we want. He and I would both like to get to know each other and maybe work it up to being a relationship. We're both very physical people and wouldn't mind getting mildly touchy even before being in a relationship. We set boundaries and everything over the phone. And then we made a plan to meet up the next day (yesterday). He said he would call when he was done with his work.
Well...HE HASN'T CALLED! I know nothing is serious yet and our attraction to each right now is mostly physical. But I want it to be so much more! I don't know how the dating scene works, as people always tell me I should be open to meeting more than one person at a time. But I can't stop thinking of him. He will be returning next year as a fifth year student so time is not an issue. I want to feel pursued by him, but I feel like he has no expectations for this to go further.
Do most people take dating with a grain of salt? Is it really just such a big deal to me only because this is my first time? Should he have called?
Arghh... so lost!
Guys do stuff like that. Drives you nuts, hurts your feelings, they just don't get it. There may be a good reason, he could be in a coma or something. More likely he just spaced it out. Some of them out grow it as they get older and some never do. If you love them, you over look it.
John Grey's book, Mars and Venus on a Date, may help. Any rate reading it wouldn't hurt.
I don't think you should set boundrys and discuss intimacy, before you have even been on a few dates together.
What you have done is told him outright, what you want, what you are and what you are not and how it's going to be.. He has agreed, but the thing is you placed pressure for one onto him, as he knows the cards as they are falling and secondly, you've provided him with no "interest" will she or won't she go out with me, he knows it all.
Nothing at all wrong with how your thinking, I am purely suggesting that you keep those cards to your chest, and discuss those things after you've been on a few dates with a guy you like that you want to form a relationship with.
He's a guy whom has showed you interest and let you know that he wanted to see you after Christmas and your excited... But, telling him, all that will and won't happen, how and why, well... turn it around and see how you would be thinking.....
Don't call, leave it for a week, maybe flirt then a bit on facebook.
If you let a guy feel he has no competition, he doesn't have to whoo you how is he going to do so?
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Thank you for your replies. They are greatly appreciated. CW, I think it is very interesting that you mentioned "playing my cards" because I know I do this. In fact, many of my friends have told me this is a major drawback I have in terms of getting serious with another person. However, in this case, I tried firmly to hold back fomr letting him know everything. I simply told him my background and how this was all new to me. HE was the one who suggested we set boundaries, as he didn't want me to unintentionally get hurt if things got too far.
I feel that a big flaw he possesses is idleness. He is not a go getter and would rather "just chill." He wants things to run their natural course. I agree with him that our relationship shouldn't be pushed in an unnatural direction for the sake of giving ourselves the title "boyfriend and girlfriend." But what to do when he says he wants to get to know me more, and doesn't invest the time to do so?
I don't know. I simply feel that him and I are on seperate planes in terms of how fast we want this to go and how to go about establishing something. I'm not demanding. I understand we're in college and things like finances, time, and energy are limited. But I spend a large amount of time thinking about this. I don't feel he does the same.
So is it just me being naive about how to get romantically involved with someone?
Well, if he can't be bothered contacting you, he is the one that set boundries, ( as not to hurt you), sounds like his interest may be more on a "sexual" basis, rather than "getting to know you".I simply told him my background and how this was all new to me. HE was the one who suggested we set boundaries, as he didn't want me to unintentionally get hurt if things got too far.
So, i don't think you are nieve, rather sensible in the way you are thinking.....
I would ignore him then, see if he comes to you and definately, definately not "give" so to speak, and see where it goes.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
[b]Guys do stuff like that[/v].
nothing like steriotyping. should have wrote everyone does stuff like that.
OP, you mentioned about a difference from your parents views. thats all in good. its the generation difference anyway.
RULE 1: is there is no rule of dating.
take it as it goes. don't rush it will happen sooner or later. yo already started talking to him and met once. you can try to more and dont give up yet.
you asked, Do most people take dating with a grain of salt? alot of people do. but their are the ones who don't. for those who do it works for them and they are possibly dating regularly with different people. who knows exactly?
your also young and seeing you hadnt alot of expirience from what i gather, it will come to you. and when your older you might change your thoughts one day on a few things of how you r thinking today.
give it time, relax a bit. its new, let it develope.
[QUOTE=JWB_pof;72577][b]Guys do stuff like that[/v].
nothing like steriotyping. should have wrote everyone does stuff like that.
QUOTE]
You are right. I come from a generation where men took the initiative, at least at the start of the relationship. I understand it is more equitable now and yes girls will fail to call or return calls and all the rest. Cutting someone off without explaination, regardless of the relationship or gender is rude.
CW
What you have done is told him outright what you are and what you are not,rkm2008
I simply told him my background and how this was all new to me. HE was the one who suggested we set boundaries
You tell a guy, that you are not easy... You are saying I am insecure so I am telling you and in addition, "I am after a relationship"not a one night stand...
And , so, he has set, boundries..... "you can't get hurt", he has "told it" how it's going to be... "whoa.... i don't want a relationship, I don't even know you?"
See how that is?
Where as a Woman whom knows what she is after, makes her decision on lots of reasons, not just "lust", has "confidence" and doesn't "need" to tell a guy " how you are", "what you are not"..
You don't create a challenge.
You scare them off.
You make them think you may cling.
etc. etc.
Can you see that?
Not your intentions but can you see that in your mind?
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Man that sounded harsh, not at all, was thinking deeply...
Be proud of who you are.
I guess I am saying you can "show" that, without words, so don't tell first...They are your believes, your reality, you.... You don't have to show who you are verbally, you can do that physically, make them curious and see they can't instead of telling them.. Is what I am trying to say.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
I want to once again thank all of you for your responses. Update on this situation:
So basically, he has called/texted/Facebooked on and off this past month. We have not hung out at all since that first night, although we may randomly see each other around campus and exchange hellos. My friends and I have officially labeled this a "he's just not that into you" situation. I still do like him a lot and I think he may still be attracted to me, but I suppose being with a girl is not a priority to him at this point in his life. And every time we come in contact, I feel like I have nothing to say to him as I have not gotten to know him as I wished I would. Maybe someday!
This situation has taught me a lot, and it's funny how much one can grow in a month. I guess I did go a little irrationally FEMALE on him that night on the phone (a guy friend of mine puts it that way). But regardless of my tendency to be honest about myself, I have come to except that this is who I am, take it or leave it. Hopefully someone out there doesn't find this to be as offsetting a trait as say, bad breath
This leads me to another issue I encountered. I have been lucky this first year in college to have found a wonderful set of friends. And among them, many of the guys have been very insightful in the advice they have given me. However, one thing always bothers me that they say. I ask, "What kind of a girl does the average guy look for?" Their responses are always so far-fetched to me! They always respond with things like "A girl who doesn't freak out", "A girl who will talk to me about things that are bothering her rather than her girl friends", "A girl who stays chill and doesn't let little things bother her", etc.
Now, I am a firm believer in the strength of femininity but I know sooooo many girls who freak out and talk to their friends about everything and let the little things get to them. Many of these girls play it off in front of a guy as though they are cool, and relaxed about everything, and couldn't have a care in the world. But then they come back to their close friends and rant about how insecure they feel in their relationship.
My approach is to be honest and be who I am. I do freak out, and talk to my girlfriends, and let little things get to me. But you know what? I'm not stupid. I try my best not to be irrational and try to sort out in my mind why I feel the way I do. I try to shut down feelings that I know shouldn't be in my head and try not to overwhelm a guy with everything on my mind. Why can't most guys just accept that? Why does everything have to be a game?
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