What do I do

**Immdar** · 03-29-2009 10:20 AM

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 4 years. And up until about a week and a half ago were talking marriage. Between the 2 of us we have 3 kids though none with eachother. My problem is this. She has guy friends and it bothers me. All these "guy friends" have shown up while we have been together. Up till now i truly believe from her stand point that she has not cheated on me and she honestly thinks these guys just want to be friends. Though I know better. But everything has changed since a week and a half ago. 8 days ago she started texting a new "guy friend". I found out about this guy friend about 4 days later when she said she needed to make her texting unlimited from the normal 1500 free text a month. I found this odd due to the fact that our plan had just renewed about 4 days prior so she should have had 1500 text to use up. When i asked her why she said she was just talking to her friends alot recently and said she will deffinatly be going over the limit this month. So i said fine. But due to problems we have had before involving texting i decied to look online to see just how many text she had done already. In 6 days she had already used 1400 texts and about 1200 of them turned out to be to this new guy friend. They start texting from about 6:30 in the morning until midnight everynight for the last 8 days. When i brought this up it started an argument with her saying they are just friends and nothing is going on. But she has already lied within this week when talking to this guy or texting with him. I dont like the guy friends to begin with and dont think i can deal with them anyway and stay with her. Oh. And 1 day after she started texting with this guy she also started going out her girlfriends and staying out very late. I also know one of those nights she was around this new guy friend. Am I wrongly paranoid about this guy or am i right in feeling that this kind of behavior should not be going on. She has gone from talking about marriage a week and a half ago to last night not sure if she wants to be with me and wanting her space. The only reason i am still with her right now is the children because otherwise i would be gone.

**sourpuss** · 03-29-2009 11:41 AM

Eesh! 1400 texts?! Personally, I'd leave anyone who texts that much. Get a life. Sorry to be so rude, but seriously. That's over 230 texts per day!

Normally, I'd say that one should allow their significant other to have friends of both sexes and you should trust her. But this situation sounds a bit sketchy to be honest. I can't think of a single good friend that I would text more than even once or twice a day. What are they texting about? Where are the kids? Is she supposed to be watching the kids during the day or at a job? Because with that amount of texting you pretty much have to be sending or reading a text every 3 or 4 minutes.

It's normal to have friends and a life outside of your relationship and family but to spend the kind of time and energy on someone (especially with someone she just met) is time that she should be spending with you and your kids.

**Immdar** · 03-29-2009 12:02 PM

I take care of the kids for the most part. Only time she is alone with them would be in the morning getting them ready for school. And it does not slow down at work. It goes on throughout the day evreyday for the past week. Isnt wasnt as bad before that. But like i said the past week it has been from 6 in the morning till midnight all day.

**sourpuss** · 03-29-2009 12:05 PM

That's ridiculous.

**WildChild** · 03-29-2009 12:28 PM

Sounds more like an addiction than a freindship

**Anakko** · 03-29-2009 04:24 PM

I recently replied to a woman that was having a similar problem, concerned with her boyfriend and female friends. Just in reverse.

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/82305-post4.html

Time is love and if she is spending it obsessively texting, who is she really spending the most time with? The thing is, men usually cheat physically because they are more aroused by appearance, whereas women on the other hand generally cheat emotionally. Not that they can't do both, but from the way it sounds she is definitely "cheating" emotionally, whether she is honest with herself or not. I would have a serious discussion about how you feel with her, what she is going to do about it, and if she doesn't change or make a serious compromise, I would suggest you leave her.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-29-2009 04:25 PM

Sounds like the "fun" is missing in her life and as WC said, the addiction of "needing" has taken over and so she goes back and forth, off course this guy, as all guys thinks he's in does he not? I mean till midnight for a week, he has to be, surely.

You need to re-avaluate your relationship, it sounds like you've settled into domestic life and she's still a batchelorette and neither one of you are actually happy.

I would be stating to her, your not happy in this relationship anymore, things are missing and neither am I so what are we going to do about it?

Don't stay on the account of children, your not married to start with and secondly your young I assume and don't need to waste your life, in a loveless relationship, if you can work it out and be friends? You will always be able to say hi to those children.

We have one life and one life only, as whom we are.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-29-2009 05:38 PM

It's excessive and you have every right to feel upset about this increasingly troublesome behavior. Does she ever speak to this person on the phone or only text? I mean I like text over talking on the phone personally just because its easier to respond at leisure than it is to be glued to the phone... but if she is texting that much she is glueing herself to the phone anyway so why don't they just call each other?

Texting in itself, is like a secretive practice sometimes - so its rude to do it for hours on end in front of someone else since its so exclusionary and you don't even get to eavesdrop to know just how silly or tame the things they are talking about are (or how serious and intense).

I think because you've never interviened much with her having guy friends she has taken it a little too far now. Instead of her appreciating you giving her that room to make friends and persue other interests and convos with other people and trying to keep it fair she is taking it as far as she can go.

Obviously its what she wants to do though, and the thing is you can't stop someone from doing something they really want to do. It will just cause resentment, secrets and lies. You have to decide for yourself if this is just a phase or if it is a new trend and something you are going to have to learn to live with.

I would try to understand what it is they talk about so much without seeming like you are putting her on trial. Be light about it... Like oh how is so and so today, as she is plugging away on her little phone keys. Maybe take an interest in this other person so that she can open up to you about them and perhaps put your mind at ease as to what kind of friendship they actually have.

**Immdar** · 03-29-2009 08:41 PM

I want to thank everyone for your incites. It has actually helped allot. Anymore would still be helpful but thank you very much.

**happy ending** · 03-29-2009 09:10 PM

you are right to be concerned, it is obsessive behaviour. i think you need to have a long talk with your partner and confront her, but a warning it wont be pretty. she will rant and rave and lie and all the rest of it. but it is unacceptable and she needs to be aware of that.

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