Clinginess equals pushing him away?

**sm0kx** · 04-07-2009 06:37 AM

Sounds like I'm starting a discussion but I'm actually looking for insight into an ongoing situation I've found myself in. (My previous thread here details it!

)

What is it about "clinginess" that seems to drive boyfriends away? I'm hearing more and more about this... how guys feel "pushed away" by the way their girl acts, REacts, speaks or communicates (e.g. during a "talk", or emailing them during a rough patch?)

Personally I'm really bad at "talks". I get muddled up, react too quickly and seemingly cause more problems than can solve. -_- Also, I really don't know if I believe whether men can feel pushed away from a girl they're supposedly mad about... perhaps because I myself don't mind clingy? Or is it a lie... because really, if you're trying to pull a guy closer through these methods, isn't that he's RUNNING away, not being pushed?

So my questions are:
1. What sort of behaviour or things might you define as "clingy"?
2. Why/when might a man use the term "You're pushing me away"?
3. If a woman were to write an email/blog explaining her issues in a relationship, where is the line between demanding/accusing/angry/expectations/insecure/etc and constructive? Is it even possible to approach relationship issues using this method? [I can post one I wrote/sent a couple of months ago that really helped screw up my relationship ¬_¬ Looking back it's SO demanding and confusing, I think]
4. Is it possible for a guy who really likes a girl to distance himself from her (i.e. stand off, close off from) for any of the above reasons while he's abroad?

Would LOVE to hear from guys about this, perhaps a take on one email I have sent, but all opinions valid and welcome. :] It's specific to long distance relationships. >.>

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-07-2009 08:29 AM

I think no one likes to consider themselves clingy and needy but truth is many people just are in nature. I think a guy can be pushed away if he is feeling the pressure to become someones entire universe... that is a lot of responsability. I don't associate wanting to spend time with someone you are into often as a bad kind of clingy... that's the good kind and is usually reciprocated by someone equally into you.

The bad kind is when they can't make a trip to visit their parents without having their SO freak out about what shes gonna do while they are gone. That seem to be lost if the other needs a moment alone. Where it starts to become obsessive can make even someone in love feel choked.

A lot of men fear marriage, not because of the commitment, monogomy aspects but because of the being responsible for another person when some feel they can barely look out for their own needs (not just financial, i mean emotional etc) So when that is introduced early in a relationship I think it is possible to push away something that had the potential to go further.

I don't think many guys would mind the kind of clingy that adores and dotes on them and loves spending time with them. Most fear the kind of clingy that doesn't let them go to the grocery store without an argument about their commitment to the relationship, fidelity etc.

I think that on a long distance relationship - its more likely the bad kind of clingy would develop if their is a form of clingyness going on. While they aren't being physically clinged to , their might be a tendency to demand them to be certain places at certain times for calls, messenger meet-ups etc... and if they can't make it I can see the other party feeling let down easier since its all you have and starting fights about it etc.

**WildChild** · 04-07-2009 09:53 AM

You know the men folk could best address this but being close takes time to develop. While that is growing, who wants to feel like they are being suffocated? I think most men these days are skitttish about dependency - a lot of women are really high need. Do your emotional spillage with a trusted gf or a journal. If you are going to email about some relationship thing, write it out, save as a draft and go back 12 -24 hours later and re-read it and consider that is probably at least twice as long as it needs to be!

Doing this has absolutely saved my current relationship. I'll get a bit hyper emotional, pour it all out, I save it, re-read it later and say to myself, well good thing I didn't send that! When I do finally send him my thoughts on something, it is my thoughts not a rant or an emotional flood. He actually prints it out and reads and re-reads it. Then if we need to talk, we do, a couple days later. Why take so long? Because we are committed to building a lifelong freindship and so we consider each others thoughts, feelings and needs and respond with considered thought. Everyone is different but most women are verbal processors and most men aren't really good at dealing with that because it isn't how they think. You say things exploring how you feel and they think that's IT.

**sm0kx** · 04-07-2009 10:06 AM

"The bad kind is when they can't make a trip to visit their parents without having their SO freak out about what shes gonna do while they are gone. That seem to be lost if the other needs a moment alone. Where it starts to become obsessive can make even someone in love feel choked."

I'm guilty of getting a bit jumpy when wondering what my SO might be doing, where he's going, etc. [Before things were a mess, obv. Though still feel bleh about it] So good point about the difference between spending time with them or feeling restricted.

I definitely understand the point about guys needing to be stable in financial or emotional ways, etc. It just seems impossible for me to believe that a guy can really like a woman but still up and run if things get tough. So I'm torn between that or the "given up/lost interest" idea.

"If you are going to email about some relationship thing, write it out, save as a draft and go back 12 -24 hours later and re-read it and consider that is probably at least twice as long as it needs to be!"

Ugh I wish I'd have thought of the revising the email idea.

Mine tend to be ten times longer than they should be. It's really annoying, and does tend to be an "emotional flood" or, I'm not sure how to describe it. I could post one that most people will either cringe or sigh at.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-07-2009 04:25 PM

When you feel the need of "confusion", instead of writing an email to the man, which is a 10 page letter, warranting explanations, go to your computer and write away, "to yourself"...

The next day re-read through what you wrote and see if you can pick it to pieces.

I don't thing it's clinginess, rather, questions after questions, in-securities, no answers and wanting to know and so the on-going battle of quizzing that man commences and continues, and continues, and continues, to a point where they give up on answering.

Most of the answers are within yourself.

Long distance is difficult at 23.. You are always wondering and trying to keep it all together, and fear steps in and next thing you know your talking gibberish and almost accusing.

You mention in your other thread he compared you " the last guy " or your situation with him as a rubber band that evenutally broke.

Don't be paranoid in a relationship.

It either works or it doesn't.

There is only one true sole-mate out there for each of us and possibly a second semi one, possibly but we all have dated, entered relationships, that had no real connection what so ever and learnt..

Take each situation as a learning curb..

And, take each relationship in happiness until it's not and if that occurs, then understand that, that person was simply not the one.

You live once, be happy.

CW

**sTyLeRock** · 04-07-2009 08:22 PM

Balance is required some form of clingyness is required but to much can be a bad thing,

but there is no one universal answer as everyone is different and intern want's different forms of "love" some people see clingyness as a positive and some people see it as a lack of independence and a turn off.

My advice would be to trust yourself but not your imagination. you need to have confidence in yourself and in your partner, you can question where he is going but not badger him about it after he tells you ect..

This is really circumstantial so it's a bit hard to give exact advice.

**golden_nemesis** · 04-08-2009 12:10 PM

Every person is different.

I am a bit of an odd duck in that I am fiercely independent, but when it comes to my closest friends, or now my partner, I want to spend as much time with them as possible, just because they make me so very happy.

We don't live together, but I spend almost every evening/night and all weekend with my boyfriend. It is something both of us want. All one or the other of us has to do to have to other person on our doorstep faster than you can say "Jack Robinson" is to ask the other if they want to hang out/see each other, etc. It is when one person does all the pushing that problems arise.

Also, on the occasions when I have an exam the next day and decide to lock myself in my room and not see him for a day or two, its ok. He finds other things to do, and I don't freak out about those things.

A couple months ago, when we had talked vaguely of hanging out on a friday afternoon, he ended up having to spend most of it helping his friend buy a new motorcycle (long story). Part of me wanted to be resentful to his friend for taking that time away, but I knew that stuff happens, and things don't always work out the way you wish they did.

Later, I told him that I was tempted to feel resentful about that afternoon, but didn't manage to stick to it because I know his friend needed his help, and they probably did a lot of male bonding and friendship-reinforcement that afternoon. He gave me this intense look and said he was constantly reminded of why he loved me so much.

Its not that you don't have to feel any apprehension or sadness at being apart from a significant other, but its being able to realize those feeling don't have to dictate the way you act or your ultimate decisions.

If someone feels the pressure from their SO to always be devoting time and attention to them, with consequences of suspicion or hurt feelings if they don't, that can kill love. It is very draining.

**sm0kx** · 04-08-2009 12:39 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

When you feel the need of "confusion", instead of writing an email to the man, which is a 10 page letter, warranting explanations, go to your computer and write away, "to yourself"...

The next day re-read through what you wrote and see if you can pick it to pieces.

I don't thing it's clinginess, rather, questions after questions, in-securities, no answers and wanting to know and so the on-going battle of quizzing that man commences and continues, and continues, and continues, to a point where they give up on answering.

Most of the answers are within yourself.

Long distance is difficult at 23.. You are always wondering and trying to keep it all together, and fear steps in and next thing you know your talking gibberish and almost accusing.

Yes I definitely did get that way. He once used the term "barrage of questions" and before our initial fallout around Christmas time he mentioned he was finding that all very stressful on top of his current situation.

All I can do is change my own attitude, and hope he knows that I've changed/realised stuff. He's still not speaking to me though. Maybe too much damage, who knows. Seems I've ruined something amazing with a really awesome guy, not that I'll take all the blame. ¬_¬

Originally Posted by golden_nemesis

... He gave me this intense look and said he was constantly reminded of why he loved me so much.

Its not that you don't have to feel any apprehension or sadness at being apart from a significant other, but its being able to realize those feeling don't have to dictate the way you act or your ultimate decisions.

If someone feels the pressure from their SO to always be devoting time and attention to them, with consequences of suspicion or hurt feelings if they don't, that can kill love. It is very draining.

That's really sweet what your boyfriend said to you.

I do miss that sort of thing from the guy I was with. It's funny, I didn't get angry when he needed to do other things, I did trust him. But when he had free time I would feel hurt or suspicious when he didn't talk to me after an argument, or if he was at the computer with nothing to do and I noticed he was just not speaking.

Maybe it was such a contrast to how he'd been all over me before I seemed a bit more high-maintenance, and by reacting I only worsened whatever stress was making him seem distant (when really he was busy/confused).

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 04-11-2009 05:42 PM

If a woman needs you to be happy, her personality and her life can't be all that interesting. I mean, I know I'm great, but if that's the only thing someone can think about then they don't have enough going on.

Calling every day, needing constant reassurance/compliments, being insecure, blah blah blah will all help to drive a man away. And with all this onus on monogamous relationships the last few hundred years who can blame men for not wanting commitment? Essentially, men are hard wired to ....around and spread their genes. By signaling that if they are to be with you, the only thing they are going to be doing is taking care of you you are clashing severely with their instincts.

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