Going through rough patch in relationship

Gurboura · 04-08-2009, 05:20 PM

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 5 months. We met online and instantly clicked, she came out to California for two weeks and when she left it was probably the hardest thing for me to do was watch her leave. Fast forward to now. I found out she cheated on me on her 21st birthday with an ex. I found this out as a friend went behind my back and started talking to her (He went behind my back because he knew it'd make me mad that he did it, and as such, no longer friends) He showed me the chats and I found she was really flirty and kept saying "Good things come to those who wait". When I asked her about this, she said she was never going to meet him and was just messing with him. She said it happened because "she wasn't thinking" and "just wanted sex". Obviously I was mad, depressed and lonely at the same time. Now, we've talked, and I'm willing to forgive her in hopes that it won't happen again. She's coming back out here to spend some time with me and hopefully work everything out. I told her when she gets out here, we'll start off fresh, and put it all behind us.

She's told me what she's doing so it won't happen again. Completely dropping the alcohol (which I guess is what caused it in the first place?

) She's stopped talking to her ex's after realizing they all see her as more than a friend (I don't know what to think of this? Is it bad they see like that still, or that she was hanging out with them knowing that?)

I'm still so confused right now. I'm willing to forgive her, but after everything that's happened, I don't know if I can ever truely completely trust her again?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-08-2009, 06:04 PM

Distant relationships are very hard especially for the young..

It takes a lot of commitment and a definate knowing this is the person you want to be with.

You obviously have those feelings for her, but you need to consider 2 weeks, each 5 months is not much time to really develop that strong bond... Based on what you have written, that is the amount of time you two have been together, in 5 months.

She is young and as such, she is going out with friends all the time, watching her mates with partners maybe, and lonley...

How far away does she live from you?

Why can't one of you move closer?

After you see her for this two weeks, do you plan on it being another 5 months?

See, the problem there?

CW

Gurboura · 04-08-2009, 06:16 PM

Sorry, we were together for 5 months, but it was less than 3 since we last saw each other. We expected it to be about a weekend a month, but after losing my job, I couldn't afford to come out every other weekend.

She's around 2500 miles away. I lived in her town when I was going to college, but we never really got serious, until around December.

I was expecting to move closer to her, same state and possibly city, but that went out the window when I found out my dad was about the lose the house and he needed me here, but as soon as that's over with, I'm hoping to move closer to her or in with her. I've already told her I'm not doing that until I have a job lined up out there so I'm not sitting for weeks looking for a job without any kind of fall back place. She's staying there for school but after that's finished we're moving back to California.

To be honest, I didn't expect it to be so long between seeing each other. She's talking about how I'm in the one and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and to be honest, I kind of feel the same way. Until all this happened, then everything kind of hitting me in the face like a sledgehammer.

She doesn't hang out with her friends much, just mostly family.

Sorry if I'm writing a book.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-08-2009, 06:23 PM

Well in my books she had a solid foundation and plenty of time to be with you before hand, and can't use a reason as "wanting sex" as to why she cheated on you.

You sound very mature and that you have your head screwed on the right way.

What your friend did was well, "not a friend", but she obviously flirts with guys, what you read is a reality, it happened. "Good things come to those who wait?".. That is straight out making a statement really. Did she know he was your friend?

You will not trust her from here on end, but only you know if you think that she is sincere and just "lost her way" for a bit, being young and will not do it again.

What type of conversations do you two have, or have had since?

And it's not a book haha... It's important to get information so that people can advise you of their opinions.

The more information you give, the easier it is to see.

CW

Gurboura · 04-08-2009, 06:40 PM

It wasn't a very good reason to me either, but she keeps saying it was that she wasn't thinking clearly because of the alcohol. Which I'm not to sure on, because I keep asking what was going through your head? Why didn't you think of me? Did you regret it afterwards, why didn't you tell me? All she said was, she wasn't thinking obviously, and thought it's only one time, how bad could it be, and then she said she regretted it and was crying the day after, didn't want to hang out with anyone, ect. She said she wanted to wait and tell me in person. Mind you, I found out 2 weeks after it happened. Then we went on about how I would've rather found out ASAP then waiting a few months.

Thank you CW! Means alot

Yeah, I didn't like that he did it, we are no longer friends. She didn't know he was my friend, she never knew him or even heard of him. It really bothered me that said that, and I don't know if I trust her when she says she was just messing with him and not actually going to meet up with him.

I'd like to think she was just in a drunken haze, not thinking, ect. She said she'd do anything to prove how much she loves me and not ever want to do it again, even if it meant dropping out of school and moving out here, which I of course completely turned down and told her to keep going to school and get her degree.

We have good conversations, like we used to, we tend to text all day and call at night. Never get's boring (good thing, I tend to get bored with conversations) and we could talk for several hours at a time on the phone. I still smile like I used to when I talk to her and find her corny jokes hilarious.

**sTyLeRock** · 04-08-2009, 06:58 PM

Hey Mate,

She cheated on you. you both agreed to be together and in a relationship and she broke the bond and trust by sleeping with an ex.

Ex's do hold some power over chick's but not hard to resist. and "i was drunk" excuse is just pathetic.

she doesn't deserve to be given another chance, thats upto you.

Just remember fool me once and its your fault, fool me twice and it's mine.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-08-2009, 07:17 PM

Well, as I said you won't trust her again... Sure, if she did move there you can keep track of everything, but she did break your trust sweet.

Stylerock, haha, you sound mad...

One time only, how bad can it be? That really isn't a good answer either hun, that's like saying deal with it, I knew what I was doing, and decided to do it, and thought to myself it's only once.

But, you know once turns into twice.

It's sad that you have put so much effort obviously into the relationship and felt good about it only to find out that she cheated and also flirted, it always does come out unfortunately.

Crying is a basis of "what was lost" and "trying to save".

Only you can decide whether if you forgive her and try to make it work, if she will fall back into that pattern again ..

Drinking is not an excuse... Unfortunately, you need to get that part out of your head as to the reason...

It' adds to why you can convince yourself it's okay, but it's not a reason..

Sorry hun.

CW

Gurboura · 04-08-2009, 07:19 PM

Thanks StyleRock for the insight.

Believe me, if she wasn't showing me she's changing to now allow it to happen again, she wouldn't be receiving a second chance. I'm a firm believer in not making someone change for yourself, but letting them change for themselves. I didn't force her to change, nor did I give her ideas on what to change to make her life better.

Gurboura · 04-08-2009, 07:21 PM

Thanks CH for all your positive and great advice. It's obvious I still have a lot of thinking and deciding to do.

Gurboura · 04-08-2009, 07:21 PM

Woops, CW, sorry

Wish I could edit my posts

04-08-2009, 05:20 PM	#1
Gurboura Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 11	Going through rough patch in relationship Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 5 months. We met online and instantly clicked, she came out to California for two weeks and when she left it was probably the hardest thing for me to do was watch her leave. Fast forward to now. I found out she cheated on me on her 21st birthday with an ex. I found this out as a friend went behind my back and started talking to her (He went behind my back because he knew it'd make me mad that he did it, and as such, no longer friends) He showed me the chats and I found she was really flirty and kept saying "Good things come to those who wait". When I asked her about this, she said she was never going to meet him and was just messing with him. She said it happened because "she wasn't thinking" and "just wanted sex". Obviously I was mad, depressed and lonely at the same time. Now, we've talked, and I'm willing to forgive her in hopes that it won't happen again. She's coming back out here to spend some time with me and hopefully work everything out. I told her when she gets out here, we'll start off fresh, and put it all behind us. She's told me what she's doing so it won't happen again. Completely dropping the alcohol (which I guess is what caused it in the first place? ) She's stopped talking to her ex's after realizing they all see her as more than a friend (I don't know what to think of this? Is it bad they see like that still, or that she was hanging out with them knowing that?) I'm still so confused right now. I'm willing to forgive her, but after everything that's happened, I don't know if I can ever truely completely trust her again?

04-08-2009, 06:04 PM	#2
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,910 Blog Entries: 7	Distant relationships are very hard especially for the young.. It takes a lot of commitment and a definate knowing this is the person you want to be with. You obviously have those feelings for her, but you need to consider 2 weeks, each 5 months is not much time to really develop that strong bond... Based on what you have written, that is the amount of time you two have been together, in 5 months. She is young and as such, she is going out with friends all the time, watching her mates with partners maybe, and lonley... How far away does she live from you? Why can't one of you move closer? After you see her for this two weeks, do you plan on it being another 5 months? See, the problem there? CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

04-08-2009, 06:23 PM	#4
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,910 Blog Entries: 7	Well in my books she had a solid foundation and plenty of time to be with you before hand, and can't use a reason as "wanting sex" as to why she cheated on you. You sound very mature and that you have your head screwed on the right way. What your friend did was well, "not a friend", but she obviously flirts with guys, what you read is a reality, it happened. "Good things come to those who wait?".. That is straight out making a statement really. Did she know he was your friend? You will not trust her from here on end, but only you know if you think that she is sincere and just "lost her way" for a bit, being young and will not do it again. What type of conversations do you two have, or have had since? And it's not a book haha... It's important to get information so that people can advise you of their opinions. The more information you give, the easier it is to see. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

04-08-2009, 07:17 PM	#7
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,910 Blog Entries: 7	Well, as I said you won't trust her again... Sure, if she did move there you can keep track of everything, but she did break your trust sweet. Stylerock, haha, you sound mad... One time only, how bad can it be? That really isn't a good answer either hun, that's like saying deal with it, I knew what I was doing, and decided to do it, and thought to myself it's only once. But, you know once turns into twice. It's sad that you have put so much effort obviously into the relationship and felt good about it only to find out that she cheated and also flirted, it always does come out unfortunately. Crying is a basis of "what was lost" and "trying to save". Only you can decide whether if you forgive her and try to make it work, if she will fall back into that pattern again .. Drinking is not an excuse... Unfortunately, you need to get that part out of your head as to the reason... It' adds to why you can convince yourself it's okay, but it's not a reason.. Sorry hun. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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04-08-2009, 06:16 PM	#3
Gurboura Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 11	Sorry, we were together for 5 months, but it was less than 3 since we last saw each other. We expected it to be about a weekend a month, but after losing my job, I couldn't afford to come out every other weekend. She's around 2500 miles away. I lived in her town when I was going to college, but we never really got serious, until around December. I was expecting to move closer to her, same state and possibly city, but that went out the window when I found out my dad was about the lose the house and he needed me here, but as soon as that's over with, I'm hoping to move closer to her or in with her. I've already told her I'm not doing that until I have a job lined up out there so I'm not sitting for weeks looking for a job without any kind of fall back place. She's staying there for school but after that's finished we're moving back to California. To be honest, I didn't expect it to be so long between seeing each other. She's talking about how I'm in the one and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and to be honest, I kind of feel the same way. Until all this happened, then everything kind of hitting me in the face like a sledgehammer. She doesn't hang out with her friends much, just mostly family. Sorry if I'm writing a book.

04-08-2009, 06:40 PM	#5
Gurboura Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 11	It wasn't a very good reason to me either, but she keeps saying it was that she wasn't thinking clearly because of the alcohol. Which I'm not to sure on, because I keep asking what was going through your head? Why didn't you think of me? Did you regret it afterwards, why didn't you tell me? All she said was, she wasn't thinking obviously, and thought it's only one time, how bad could it be, and then she said she regretted it and was crying the day after, didn't want to hang out with anyone, ect. She said she wanted to wait and tell me in person. Mind you, I found out 2 weeks after it happened. Then we went on about how I would've rather found out ASAP then waiting a few months. Thank you CW! Means alot Yeah, I didn't like that he did it, we are no longer friends. She didn't know he was my friend, she never knew him or even heard of him. It really bothered me that said that, and I don't know if I trust her when she says she was just messing with him and not actually going to meet up with him. I'd like to think she was just in a drunken haze, not thinking, ect. She said she'd do anything to prove how much she loves me and not ever want to do it again, even if it meant dropping out of school and moving out here, which I of course completely turned down and told her to keep going to school and get her degree. We have good conversations, like we used to, we tend to text all day and call at night. Never get's boring (good thing, I tend to get bored with conversations) and we could talk for several hours at a time on the phone. I still smile like I used to when I talk to her and find her corny jokes hilarious.

04-08-2009, 06:58 PM	#6
sTyLeRock Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 128	Hey Mate, She cheated on you. you both agreed to be together and in a relationship and she broke the bond and trust by sleeping with an ex. Ex's do hold some power over chick's but not hard to resist. and "i was drunk" excuse is just pathetic. she doesn't deserve to be given another chance, thats upto you. Just remember fool me once and its your fault, fool me twice and it's mine.

04-08-2009, 07:19 PM	#8
Gurboura Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 11	Thanks StyleRock for the insight. Believe me, if she wasn't showing me she's changing to now allow it to happen again, she wouldn't be receiving a second chance. I'm a firm believer in not making someone change for yourself, but letting them change for themselves. I didn't force her to change, nor did I give her ideas on what to change to make her life better.

04-08-2009, 07:21 PM	#9
Gurboura Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 11	Thanks CH for all your positive and great advice. It's obvious I still have a lot of thinking and deciding to do.

04-08-2009, 07:21 PM	#10
Gurboura Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 11	Woops, CW, sorry Wish I could edit my posts

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