i need help...

**taro** · 04-14-2009, 02:11 AM

you know, i've been debating whether or not to post this thread since i originally signed up for this site and after posting a few-less important threads and giving others advice on their relationships, i decided it's time to admit that i need advice for myself.

my boyfriend and i have been together for over 6 years now. we love each other very much and we are the best of friends. however, i'm afraid that our relationship may no longer be more than that. i feel like our passion has completely disintegrated, and i would give anything for us to be affectionate towards one another, the way we used to. we live together and we do enjoy each other's company, but i feel like we're more like roommates than lovers.

we talk to each other about everything and we trust one another wholeheartedly. the problem is, we don't do anything anymore. when we're home, we always do our own thing; he'll play video games and i'll be reading or on the internet. i have to request our dates and i feel like i put all the effort in the romantic area of our relationship. just the other night i thought it would be a good idea for the both of us to go on a walk because it was a nice night and i though we would have a good time, but we ended up just walking silently with about a foot between us. we show absolutely no affection for one another aside from the obligatory "hello or goodbye kiss". not to mention, sex is almost completely extinct. to be honest, i think the last time we had sex was probably 3 months ago, and even then we may have only done it because we were drunk.

i just don't know what to do anymore! i love him so much and i know that he loves me too. i'm just so sad all the time and i go to bed every night unhappy, bored, and sexually unsatisfied.

please help me!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-14-2009, 02:32 AM

Hello sweet,

You know what you describe is so common it's not funny.

It doesn't matter about age, rather it seems that people become complacent with each other and they do view things as friendship.

Alot of the reasons I think is because they don't do things together, not as much in common, ie) every weekend they go watch a baseball game together, cause they both love baseball.

They live separate lives and therefore, that becomes the existance.

First dating is naturally very high sexually and that too goes to the waste side.

You need to sit down basically and talk about where you have gotten yourself to, where you were before and drag out photos and have a few drinks and laugh at them and then try to work together over getting it all back .

Living together can sometimes be more room mates, all relationships take work to keep alive.

What you are experiencing is no different seriously it isn't.. than what most married couples deal with.

But all is not lost, if neither of you want to lose it and you love each other you just have to go back to the start and work together...

CW

**taro** · 04-14-2009, 03:10 AM

thanks cw.

i know i need to talk to him, i just don't know how. bringing out old pictures is definitely a great icebreaker so thanks for that! i have always felt that this is only supposed to be an issue with "old married couples" and i have always felt that i'm too young to have this problem! i don't know, i guess it's also nice to know that this happens to other young couples too.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-14-2009, 03:16 AM

Well, last note, haha,... You are an old married couple... seriously 6 years, class yourselves as "too complacent"... another thing to consider is having a bbq, or a finger food night with all your friends, and ask him to help you prepare, and share...

CW

**WildChild** · 04-14-2009, 06:14 AM

CW is right people slip into a pattern and men tend to be "rut" people, they get comfortable and don't make any effort to change anything. If you are a 'rut' person too... Talking is a good place to start, maybe keep it light, don't make it a do or die kind of thing. I think this is why a lot of people have a child, just to change things up (not a good reason). You are both enjoying separate, solitary activities. Do you have things you do that are more social?

You each need to spend time with freinds as well as with each other. Get off the games, machines and computer and DO something. Something that involves interacting; with each other, with other people, with life. If you take a walk add an element of fun, buy balloons and carry them, walk to buy an ice cream cone - one cone and share it, walk to the park and play frisbee. Find things to laugh at together. Clean the wash the car togther, clean house in the nude, play footsie, go bowling. There is so much you could explore - take dance lessons, plant a garden - even if it's in flower pots. Find ways to grow together.

**taro** · 04-20-2009, 10:53 AM

hello everyone!! i'm back! i didn't mean to let this thread die down, but i had my midterms recently and i think i did pretty good =)

anyway, i have taken the advice i was given, and my boyfriend and i have gone out with our friends a couple times and i also took the initiative and spoke to him about what's been bothering me. fortunately, it seems like keeping active has really helped us out. if anything, it has given us more to talk about and i'm really grateful for all the great advice. it had never occurred to me that hanging out with friends would help build our relationship.

also after talking to him about our "rut" i've realized that he's been bothered by the exact same issues. it hasn't been magically fixed or anything, but it's really good to know that he's as concerned about our relationship as i am.

still no sex =(, but i'm not going to rush it. things are going pretty good and if i need to give it time, then so be it. i'm just really happy that we've made progress and i am willing, and i know he is as well, to continue working on solving our issues.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-20-2009, 11:14 AM

Firstly, congrats on midterms, you will do good

And, you know, when two people communicate, then truth comes out and as a result things can be solved.

Remember, communication is the key.

I hear the exitement in your voice and I'm very happy for you.

That's fantastic news...

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-21-2009, 03:48 AM

Thread doesn't show as posted today, guys so bringing it up.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-21-2009, 11:33 AM

It sounds like the two of you have a fantastic relationship, and as the others have said I think it may just be in a rut in the sex department. Since you are the first one that is noticing that its gone... maybe you can have a little fun trying to revive it.

Some ideas:

While watching a movie together, snuggle up and bring up a memory of a hot fun night you guys had when you were more active in that department. Talk about how exciting it was while rubbing his leg and in a light manor, bring up how you would like to try it again, or how you miss it.

Flirt with him again. Remind him he is still as sexy as when you first met. Guys can feel down about their appearance too. Compliment an outfit he has on, give him a spank when he walks by and a teasing cat call sound when he gets ready for work int he morning.. just little things that remind him he does it for you in that area.

Send him an email, post a note to his xbox or just a text telling him something sweet or something sexy now and then.. bring the fun back and hopefully the sex will follow!

Suitcase · 04-21-2009, 01:14 PM

The previous poster has some very good ideas and as a man I truly believe they will work.

For instance I noticed in your first post you mentioned walking together and walking a space apart. Someone has to initiate things and if he's not the first then you go and put your arm thru his and hang on tight, let him know you want him, so reach up give him a real meaningful kiss.
He'll probably respond to the positive and it can go from there. All the little things add up and make a nice sum!

I appreciate your work on the relationship, sounds like you are on the right track, good luck!

04-14-2009, 02:11 AM	#1
taro VIP Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: California Posts: 37	i need help... you know, i've been debating whether or not to post this thread since i originally signed up for this site and after posting a few-less important threads and giving others advice on their relationships, i decided it's time to admit that i need advice for myself. my boyfriend and i have been together for over 6 years now. we love each other very much and we are the best of friends. however, i'm afraid that our relationship may no longer be more than that. i feel like our passion has completely disintegrated, and i would give anything for us to be affectionate towards one another, the way we used to. we live together and we do enjoy each other's company, but i feel like we're more like roommates than lovers. we talk to each other about everything and we trust one another wholeheartedly. the problem is, we don't do anything anymore. when we're home, we always do our own thing; he'll play video games and i'll be reading or on the internet. i have to request our dates and i feel like i put all the effort in the romantic area of our relationship. just the other night i thought it would be a good idea for the both of us to go on a walk because it was a nice night and i though we would have a good time, but we ended up just walking silently with about a foot between us. we show absolutely no affection for one another aside from the obligatory "hello or goodbye kiss". not to mention, sex is almost completely extinct. to be honest, i think the last time we had sex was probably 3 months ago, and even then we may have only done it because we were drunk. i just don't know what to do anymore! i love him so much and i know that he loves me too. i'm just so sad all the time and i go to bed every night unhappy, bored, and sexually unsatisfied. please help me!

04-14-2009, 02:32 AM	#2
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,915 Blog Entries: 7	Hello sweet, You know what you describe is so common it's not funny. It doesn't matter about age, rather it seems that people become complacent with each other and they do view things as friendship. Alot of the reasons I think is because they don't do things together, not as much in common, ie) every weekend they go watch a baseball game together, cause they both love baseball. They live separate lives and therefore, that becomes the existance. First dating is naturally very high sexually and that too goes to the waste side. You need to sit down basically and talk about where you have gotten yourself to, where you were before and drag out photos and have a few drinks and laugh at them and then try to work together over getting it all back . Living together can sometimes be more room mates, all relationships take work to keep alive. What you are experiencing is no different seriously it isn't.. than what most married couples deal with. But all is not lost, if neither of you want to lose it and you love each other you just have to go back to the start and work together... CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

04-14-2009, 03:16 AM	#4
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,915 Blog Entries: 7	Well, last note, haha,... You are an old married couple... seriously 6 years, class yourselves as "too complacent"... another thing to consider is having a bbq, or a finger food night with all your friends, and ask him to help you prepare, and share... CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

04-20-2009, 11:14 AM	#7
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,915 Blog Entries: 7	Firstly, congrats on midterms, you will do good And, you know, when two people communicate, then truth comes out and as a result things can be solved. Remember, communication is the key. I hear the exitement in your voice and I'm very happy for you. That's fantastic news... CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

04-21-2009, 03:48 AM	#8
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,915 Blog Entries: 7	Thread doesn't show as posted today, guys so bringing it up. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

04-14-2009, 03:10 AM	#3
taro VIP Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: California Posts: 37	thanks cw. i know i need to talk to him, i just don't know how. bringing out old pictures is definitely a great icebreaker so thanks for that! i have always felt that this is only supposed to be an issue with "old married couples" and i have always felt that i'm too young to have this problem! i don't know, i guess it's also nice to know that this happens to other young couples too.

04-14-2009, 06:14 AM	#5
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,230 Blog Entries: 5	CW is right people slip into a pattern and men tend to be "rut" people, they get comfortable and don't make any effort to change anything. If you are a 'rut' person too... Talking is a good place to start, maybe keep it light, don't make it a do or die kind of thing. I think this is why a lot of people have a child, just to change things up (not a good reason). You are both enjoying separate, solitary activities. Do you have things you do that are more social? You each need to spend time with freinds as well as with each other. Get off the games, machines and computer and DO something. Something that involves interacting; with each other, with other people, with life. If you take a walk add an element of fun, buy balloons and carry them, walk to buy an ice cream cone - one cone and share it, walk to the park and play frisbee. Find things to laugh at together. Clean the wash the car togther, clean house in the nude, play footsie, go bowling. There is so much you could explore - take dance lessons, plant a garden - even if it's in flower pots. Find ways to grow together.

04-20-2009, 10:53 AM	#6
taro VIP Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: California Posts: 37	hello everyone!! i'm back! i didn't mean to let this thread die down, but i had my midterms recently and i think i did pretty good =) anyway, i have taken the advice i was given, and my boyfriend and i have gone out with our friends a couple times and i also took the initiative and spoke to him about what's been bothering me. fortunately, it seems like keeping active has really helped us out. if anything, it has given us more to talk about and i'm really grateful for all the great advice. it had never occurred to me that hanging out with friends would help build our relationship. also after talking to him about our "rut" i've realized that he's been bothered by the exact same issues. it hasn't been magically fixed or anything, but it's really good to know that he's as concerned about our relationship as i am. still no sex =(, but i'm not going to rush it. things are going pretty good and if i need to give it time, then so be it. i'm just really happy that we've made progress and i am willing, and i know he is as well, to continue working on solving our issues.

04-21-2009, 11:33 AM	#9
Hopeless Dork Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: United States Posts: 1,236	It sounds like the two of you have a fantastic relationship, and as the others have said I think it may just be in a rut in the sex department. Since you are the first one that is noticing that its gone... maybe you can have a little fun trying to revive it. Some ideas: While watching a movie together, snuggle up and bring up a memory of a hot fun night you guys had when you were more active in that department. Talk about how exciting it was while rubbing his leg and in a light manor, bring up how you would like to try it again, or how you miss it. Flirt with him again. Remind him he is still as sexy as when you first met. Guys can feel down about their appearance too. Compliment an outfit he has on, give him a spank when he walks by and a teasing cat call sound when he gets ready for work int he morning.. just little things that remind him he does it for you in that area. Send him an email, post a note to his xbox or just a text telling him something sweet or something sexy now and then.. bring the fun back and hopefully the sex will follow! __________________ ------------- Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

04-21-2009, 01:14 PM	#10
Suitcase Banned from WH Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: USA Posts: 34	The previous poster has some very good ideas and as a man I truly believe they will work. For instance I noticed in your first post you mentioned walking together and walking a space apart. Someone has to initiate things and if he's not the first then you go and put your arm thru his and hang on tight, let him know you want him, so reach up give him a real meaningful kiss. He'll probably respond to the positive and it can go from there. All the little things add up and make a nice sum! I appreciate your work on the relationship, sounds like you are on the right track, good luck!

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