MandyBee23

I feel so stupid and ashamed of myself.
So earlier today I went through my bf phone, I have never done something like that. I am at my boyfriends apt a lot when he is at work and I have never looked through his stuff but I looked through his phone. I found something I didn't like of course because I was looking for it, which I'm not even sure why. I found a txt that he sent to a girl saying " Hey its ___ from the club, let me know if you wanna chill" and then saw that he had called her 3 times after 2 am. So I asked him about it and he said it was a stripper for his friend’s bachelor’s party that’s coming up so his friends wanted to see her. I believe him, but now he is really mad that I went through his phone even though I have apologized a million times. I was supposed to spend the weekend at his apt but he told me to go home and give him back his apt key. While he was at work I kept txting him saying how sorry I am and that it’s not something I normally do and that it won't happen again etc. But he told me to stop talking to him; I understand that he is mad he has every right to be. But he has looked through my phone plenty of times right in front of me and I never got mad at him once. I guess I should just give him some space? I don't know what to do, I want to just keep apologizing but I don’t want to upset him more either.

CHANDLERS WISH

Hey sweet...

That's the difference... Had you had said, come one let me look at your phone, and he said no way, you would have had grounds for saying, well don't look at mine then.

It's a trust issue... it's so hard to believe when someone says " I won't" do it again, because truthfully.... you will.... maybe not now but you will and you just lost his trust unfortunately.

Give him some space for now, and the only thing you can really do is tell him the truth, that you felt in-secure about your relationship and so you looked.

And, you want him to help you work on that in-security because you usually aren't so insecure and then explain why you are feeling insecure.

Because the only reason in my opinion why anyone does that, is that they don't feel secure in their relationship, or else, there would be no need.

And, rightly so, you may have reasons to feel that way as well, perhaps there is more to this than you are even thinking.

CW

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MandyBee23

Yeah I see what you mean. Maybe because we don't see each other as much as we used to I have been focusing on what he "could" be doing, instead of not worrying about it because there’s nothing I can do. I think It might also be because he's getting a career really soon and we plan to have kids and spend our lives together, maybe I was looking to see if there was something that would keep me from making a life with him, because if there was something going on I want to know now, not years from now.

I want to tell him but because he doesn't want to talk to me I can't and it is driving me nuts.

Thanks for responding as always!

CHANDLERS WISH

Ah, we all hate the "fear of the un-known"....

Tell him exactly that, give him a bit of space, to calm down and then just say what you just said, no, no, no, don't then he'll have to hide all his other women from you, (only joking), smile.

CW

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if truth were to be told

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MandyBee23

LOL! That sounds like a good idea to me. After I wrote that I said to myself that I should probably tell him just that.

rcoreyus

Well, "stripper for a friends bachelor party" sounds a bit thin, but it might be true. But that is beside the point. Different people are bothere dby different things. Some value their privacy more than others. I would rather my wife cheat on me than spy on me. For other people it is no big deal. If he is as bothered by this as I would be, then you may have a real problem. Apologizing is probably the best bet - and if he accepts, then forgive him the next time he screws up.

sourpuss

He can't really get that upset if he looks through your stuff. No one should spy and no one should give reason to their partner to think they need to spy. But if he's flipping through your phone he really can't get ticked if you do the same.

His story sounds dicey to me, but that's up to you to decide if you believe him or not.

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Hopeless Dork

When you dig hard enough, you can hit dirt on the saintliest of folks, trully. I think sometimes people seek to find something bad when there is already a perception that bad is to be found... and in those cases it generally will be found.

If you didn't have the sneaky crawly suspicion to look at his phone in the first place, there would have probably been nothing there anyway. Do you see what I mean? But you did have those vibes, and you sought... and you found. Want to chill? isn't really the kind of thing you say to someone you are going to hire.. but that is neither here nor there. If you love him, if you want to trust him then you have to do just that and stop looking for things to make you sad and worried.

A man that is cheating, or has the intention to cheat will do so regardless of how much you freak out and check up on them... and a man that isn't cheating that has to deal with you freaking out and checking up on him will build a resentment towards you that is not good for your relationship.

So in summation, in freaking out and checking up on your S.O - you can only lose. Once those thoughts begin to creep into your head they will start to mindbleep you into nervous sleepless nights.

Be honest with him, tell him what is causing you to worry and feel insecure and give him the opportunity to calm those fears. If he is unable to do that for you then he shouldn't have to wonder why you are not happy and secure.

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Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein