Should I stay and not be married?

**MandyBee23** · 04-23-2009, 01:19 AM

So what am I supposed to do when my boyfriend has no intentions of ever asking me to marry him?

From what I understand my boyfriend hates the idea of getting married (I don't think it’s just me).

If we are watching TV or something and the topic comes up he will say something like "I just can't do it" and then I usually ignore it.

What he was doing for a while was one day he'd say "there’s no way I'm getting married" and then the next he'd say "oh yeah I could see us getting married" so today when he started the whole "I just can't do it" I said "then tell me why one day you say you can't and the next you say you can?" and he said in a bashful kind of way "because it makes you feel better..." so I told him "well do me a favor and stop doing it cause your actually hurting me more than making me feel better" and then he didn’t say anything.

Then after dealing with his back and worth all the time I eventually started getting pissed and would say things like "That’s okay I don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me anyways" and then he'd shut up.

One day he did something that I thought was really mean, he was looking at earrings to buy me online for Xmas and then he started looking at engagement rings and said "want to see the one I was going to buy my ex?" I was immediately upset and pissed that he said that and then wanted to cry after I saw how beautiful the ring was.

They had a horrible relationship and they treated each other like and he was going to ask her? I just don't get it.

I have tried to talk to him about it in the past (which is really hard for me because naturally I get over emotional about a lot of things) and he has said that I have changed him, he has become "softer" and that he does think about it sometimes and it’s not totally out of the question.

He said that a while ago and then tonight when he walked into the other room before I told him to stop saying one thing and then another he said "you knew what you were getting into in the first place you are here on your own..." (then I couldn’t hear him lol)

He knows I'd like to get married but see my problem is I don't know if I am truely okay with having kids and not being married. I'm afraid of what other people will think, especially my parents and I'm afraid he will just up and leave me after we have kids (he wants kids really bad ever since he was young) So I guess I feel like he might just up and leave me after he gets what he wants out of me.

Not that he can't do it if we were married but I guess I'd feel more secure.

We have been together for two years and I love him very much and I don't want to leave him because he won't marry me, but at the same time I don't know if I am going to be unhappy for the rest of my life because we aren't.

Oh and I never bring up marriage btw because I don’t want to pressure him we only talk about it if he starts it. I had to post this tonight cause I was really starting to upset myself, so I really needed to vent, and any comments are always greatful! I really need them now

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-23-2009, 02:08 AM

Ask him to allow you two to be engaged.

Marriage is a piece of paper, when divorced, it means money, it scares the ... out of men most of the time...

He obviously has thoughts about it, he was purely showing you what his taste was like in a ring, he may have been hurt badly by her and therefore, has no trust, yet at the same time he says you have softened him.

He obviously doesn't want to lose you, hense the comment " to make you happy"..

Compromise, it's only been 2 years, ask if one day you two can be engaged, not married, purely engaged.

Let's face it, if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you will, regardless of a piece of paper.

You need to understand the other person's fear.

Marriage should be for life, but it's so not the case these days, so not...

Girls pressure guys over this all the time and get so worried about their future.

You need to look at what you have and ask " does he love me? Can i live with this person forever, accept all that he is? Is he all that I want? Are we friends, lovers, and can communicate about anything and everything?

Then, un-stress over the word marriage and enjoy your relationship, 2 years, will become 4 and then who knows.

CW

**taro** · 04-23-2009, 02:40 AM

i think you should try to leave the marriage talk out of your relationship for a little while. right now it sounds like you're trying to pressure him into marrying you, and i think it would be much more worth it if you both got married because he truly wants it, and not because you pushed him into it.

mainly, i think you should just give him time. some men take longer than others to be comfortable with the whole marriage idea, so maybe he just needs more time. it's obvious that he does care about you and he does want kids, so i do believe that he will come around. just be patient.

**WildChild** · 04-23-2009, 06:49 AM

The reason you give for wanting to marry seem to be largely about other people and a feeling of security. If he's going to stay he will, if he's going to stray a piece of paper won't stop him. As for what other's think...that's never a good reason to do anything.

You've been together for two years, which means the infatuation chemical have calmed down and now is the time period when you start to discover what you really have in common. Why not focus on building a good relationship and keeping it juicy and back burner the marriage talk for at least a year? Then see how you both feel? The issue may well have resolved itself by then.

Some people feel very strongly about the matter of having kids only within a marriage, others are more concerned about the relationship and some simply don't care. Whatever you do in that regard be sure you would be able to support and care for them on your own because it happens all too often marriage or not.

**MandyBee23** · 04-23-2009, 09:37 AM

Thank you everyone for the reply! Everyone gave really great advice. I am really trying not to push the issue because I know it is still early. I have told him in the past that all I want is a ring and he was more than happy about it.

Quote:

He obviously doesn't want to lose you, hense the comment " to make you happy"..

I think you are absolutely right, anytime we fight and he wants me to go, if I start to leave he immediately tells me to come back before I can even leave.

I woke up this morning and remembered something that happened months ago. We had gotten into a big fight about something and he told me that when he sold his bike he WAS going to buy me a ring, I didn't believe him at the time, I still don't really. It is just upsetting that he goes back and worth so much I wonder if he just does it to throw me off and make me think he doesn't want to and then when he does ask me I'll be surprised. lol I don’t know that could just be me trying to make myself feel better.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-23-2009, 10:29 AM

Do you know why he has such strong feelings against marriage? Are his mom and dad still together? He is likely afraid. I think its awful he asked you if you wanted to see the enagement ring he was going to buy for his ex? Why would you? Even if he wasn't against marrying you.. that was just cruel. I'd say... oh lets go to victoria secret.com , let me show you the panties I was gonna buy to wear for me Ex. Blah.

**WildChild** · 04-23-2009, 01:21 PM

LOL Good analogy HD. If you didn't care about the relationship maybe ending, it could be a good way to make the point! Of course he didn't think it through

**MandyBee23** · 04-23-2009, 03:16 PM

Hopeless Dork,

His mom left his father when he was about 4 years old. His real dad is nothing but a womanizer and has multiple children from all different women, never married. He lived with his real father for part of his life, his Aunt mostly raised him and he lived with his mom and step dad later, who are still together but did cheat on each other. I think he has just seen a lot of bad in relationships. He also thinks that woman are just out to get a mans money (which he learned from his father) I have tried to show him the best I can that I am not like that, I will never cheat, and even if we were to get a divorce I'm not out to take everything he is worth. If we were to separate I wouldn't want anything of his. He has also told me that if he was to marry his real dad would give him nothing of his inheritance, he is the first born and has a lot coming his way.

Yeah him showing me the ring was really mean, I don't think he realized how mean it was until I said "yeah it’s beautiful" and stormed out of the room.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-23-2009, 05:55 PM

Quote:

has no trust, yet at the same time he says you have softened him.

Remember ....... he has seen alot of rubbish as far as relationships go.....

Remember ....... what he stated to you above.....

Time sometimes is the essence.

CW

**MandyBee23** · 04-23-2009, 06:45 PM

CW,

Yeah I do need to remember that "I have softened him". In the beginning of our relationship if I would cry about something he could careless and now he can't stand to see me cry. I know he has come along way from being cold hearted. He has told me that if our kids have the same face I do when they cry, they are going to get whatever they want. So I guess I'll just wait it out. I was kind of scared to do so though because I waited for my ex to feel the same way about me as I did him for years and it never came, (though it was a totally different situation) I just hate the feeling of potentially wasting my time. But today I have really tried to just enjoy our relationship and I found out that I am happy regardless of marriage and I will continue to be happy with or with out it because I will be with him either way.

What should I do though if he starts on one of his rants again about "ohh I just can't do it", do I just not say anything like I usually do? Just ignore it?

04-23-2009, 01:19 AM	#1
MandyBee23 VIP Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 72 Blog Entries: 4	Should I stay and not be married? So what am I supposed to do when my boyfriend has no intentions of ever asking me to marry him? From what I understand my boyfriend hates the idea of getting married (I don't think it’s just me). If we are watching TV or something and the topic comes up he will say something like "I just can't do it" and then I usually ignore it. What he was doing for a while was one day he'd say "there’s no way I'm getting married" and then the next he'd say "oh yeah I could see us getting married" so today when he started the whole "I just can't do it" I said "then tell me why one day you say you can't and the next you say you can?" and he said in a bashful kind of way "because it makes you feel better..." so I told him "well do me a favor and stop doing it cause your actually hurting me more than making me feel better" and then he didn’t say anything. Then after dealing with his back and worth all the time I eventually started getting pissed and would say things like "That’s okay I don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me anyways" and then he'd shut up. One day he did something that I thought was really mean, he was looking at earrings to buy me online for Xmas and then he started looking at engagement rings and said "want to see the one I was going to buy my ex?" I was immediately upset and pissed that he said that and then wanted to cry after I saw how beautiful the ring was. They had a horrible relationship and they treated each other like and he was going to ask her? I just don't get it. I have tried to talk to him about it in the past (which is really hard for me because naturally I get over emotional about a lot of things) and he has said that I have changed him, he has become "softer" and that he does think about it sometimes and it’s not totally out of the question. He said that a while ago and then tonight when he walked into the other room before I told him to stop saying one thing and then another he said "you knew what you were getting into in the first place you are here on your own..." (then I couldn’t hear him lol) He knows I'd like to get married but see my problem is I don't know if I am truely okay with having kids and not being married. I'm afraid of what other people will think, especially my parents and I'm afraid he will just up and leave me after we have kids (he wants kids really bad ever since he was young) So I guess I feel like he might just up and leave me after he gets what he wants out of me. Not that he can't do it if we were married but I guess I'd feel more secure. We have been together for two years and I love him very much and I don't want to leave him because he won't marry me, but at the same time I don't know if I am going to be unhappy for the rest of my life because we aren't. Oh and I never bring up marriage btw because I don’t want to pressure him we only talk about it if he starts it. I had to post this tonight cause I was really starting to upset myself, so I really needed to vent, and any comments are always greatful! I really need them now Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 04-23-2009 at 02:04 AM. Reason: ooh aaaaahhh paragraphing for posters

04-23-2009, 02:08 AM	#2
CHANDLERS WISH WH Head Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 12,623 Blog Entries: 8	Ask him to allow you two to be engaged. Marriage is a piece of paper, when divorced, it means money, it scares the ... out of men most of the time... He obviously has thoughts about it, he was purely showing you what his taste was like in a ring, he may have been hurt badly by her and therefore, has no trust, yet at the same time he says you have softened him. He obviously doesn't want to lose you, hense the comment " to make you happy".. Compromise, it's only been 2 years, ask if one day you two can be engaged, not married, purely engaged. Let's face it, if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you will, regardless of a piece of paper. You need to understand the other person's fear. Marriage should be for life, but it's so not the case these days, so not... Girls pressure guys over this all the time and get so worried about their future. You need to look at what you have and ask " does he love me? Can i live with this person forever, accept all that he is? Is he all that I want? Are we friends, lovers, and can communicate about anything and everything? Then, un-stress over the word marriage and enjoy your relationship, 2 years, will become 4 and then who knows. CW __________________ Women are Angels And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick... We are flexible like that .... White Witch. Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

04-23-2009, 10:29 AM	#6
Hopeless Dork Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: United States Posts: 2,159	Do you know why he has such strong feelings against marriage? Are his mom and dad still together? He is likely afraid. I think its awful he asked you if you wanted to see the enagement ring he was going to buy for his ex? Why would you? Even if he wasn't against marrying you.. that was just cruel. I'd say... oh lets go to victoria secret.com , let me show you the panties I was gonna buy to wear for me Ex. Blah. __________________ ------------- Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

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04-23-2009, 02:40 AM	#3
taro VIP Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: California Posts: 37	i think you should try to leave the marriage talk out of your relationship for a little while. right now it sounds like you're trying to pressure him into marrying you, and i think it would be much more worth it if you both got married because he truly wants it, and not because you pushed him into it. mainly, i think you should just give him time. some men take longer than others to be comfortable with the whole marriage idea, so maybe he just needs more time. it's obvious that he does care about you and he does want kids, so i do believe that he will come around. just be patient.

04-23-2009, 06:49 AM	#4
WildChild WH Moderator Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 8,616 Blog Entries: 6	The reason you give for wanting to marry seem to be largely about other people and a feeling of security. If he's going to stay he will, if he's going to stray a piece of paper won't stop him. As for what other's think...that's never a good reason to do anything. You've been together for two years, which means the infatuation chemical have calmed down and now is the time period when you start to discover what you really have in common. Why not focus on building a good relationship and keeping it juicy and back burner the marriage talk for at least a year? Then see how you both feel? The issue may well have resolved itself by then. Some people feel very strongly about the matter of having kids only within a marriage, others are more concerned about the relationship and some simply don't care. Whatever you do in that regard be sure you would be able to support and care for them on your own because it happens all too often marriage or not.

04-23-2009, 01:21 PM	#7
WildChild WH Moderator Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 8,616 Blog Entries: 6	LOL Good analogy HD. If you didn't care about the relationship maybe ending, it could be a good way to make the point! Of course he didn't think it through

04-23-2009, 03:16 PM	#8
MandyBee23 VIP Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 72 Blog Entries: 4	Hopeless Dork, His mom left his father when he was about 4 years old. His real dad is nothing but a womanizer and has multiple children from all different women, never married. He lived with his real father for part of his life, his Aunt mostly raised him and he lived with his mom and step dad later, who are still together but did cheat on each other. I think he has just seen a lot of bad in relationships. He also thinks that woman are just out to get a mans money (which he learned from his father) I have tried to show him the best I can that I am not like that, I will never cheat, and even if we were to get a divorce I'm not out to take everything he is worth. If we were to separate I wouldn't want anything of his. He has also told me that if he was to marry his real dad would give him nothing of his inheritance, he is the first born and has a lot coming his way. Yeah him showing me the ring was really mean, I don't think he realized how mean it was until I said "yeah it’s beautiful" and stormed out of the room.

04-23-2009, 06:45 PM	#10
MandyBee23 VIP Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 72 Blog Entries: 4	CW, Yeah I do need to remember that "I have softened him". In the beginning of our relationship if I would cry about something he could careless and now he can't stand to see me cry. I know he has come along way from being cold hearted. He has told me that if our kids have the same face I do when they cry, they are going to get whatever they want. So I guess I'll just wait it out. I was kind of scared to do so though because I waited for my ex to feel the same way about me as I did him for years and it never came, (though it was a totally different situation) I just hate the feeling of potentially wasting my time. But today I have really tried to just enjoy our relationship and I found out that I am happy regardless of marriage and I will continue to be happy with or with out it because I will be with him either way. What should I do though if he starts on one of his rants again about "ohh I just can't do it", do I just not say anything like I usually do? Just ignore it?