amaranthine

Saying bad words is not verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be anything from passive-aggressive stances in arguments to guilt trips, to flat-out manipulation. And trust me, it's not so easy to catch the latter when you're knee-deep in a relationship with someone you think you love. It's happened to me. Realizing what's actually going on it's the simplest thing ever.
He is cheating on you and on his wife. There is no "in a way" about it. He's seeing both you and her, and you have no way of knowing for absolute certain that he doesn't still love her, have sex with her, or plan on more children with her. He could be telling you what you want to hear. Manipulative men are good at their craft. (Not to say he is lying for sure, but the possibility of it is overwhelming.)
Why don't you mind that he's cheating on you every time he goes home? This seems like it might be a self-esteem issue, but you've mentioned that you feel confident. These two points here are contradictory.

I know it can be difficult to respect something if not even he does, but that doesn't give you the go-ahead to lower yourself to the same level and disrespect it also. Another thing to think about is, if he's not respecting all that went into his marriage, how do you know he doesn't respect what he's doing with you, and is cheating on you with other women? Or if this relationship somehow did go further, how can you feel comfortable knowing that he would not respect it, and could potentially cheat on you then, too?
What someone else does is not permission to act the same way. You are your own person; you can't blame his attitudes for your own.

I didn't say good endings, I said happy ones.
How is your current relationship supposed to end happily? You've said he won't divorce her, which means your relationship will never be anything more than it is now, if it even lasts. Ask yourself what you're looking for with him, and ask why you can't find it in someone else, who could give you their whole life and not just a small window of it.

It's not about them liking him, it's about the fact that he's married and you're dating anyway. Why don't they have a problem with that?

You're being naive. A great guy who married the wrong woman would divorce her before seeing another woman. This is not what he chose to do. Instead, he is keeping you both, essentially getting his cake and eating it too. There is a reason he won't divorce her that he's not telling you. If his marriage is as horrid as he says, then why does he hold on? There is a missing piece to this puzzle. Good people don't do this. Good men do not cheat on their wives, even if the marriage is unhappy. A good man would get a divorce and end the pain for his wife, rather than draw it out by perpetuating the awful marriage, and to make matters worse, cheat on her.
Something needs to change.

You need to think with both. You have to do the right thing, not just for you, but for everyone involved in a situation like this. Your feelings are not the only ones at risk here.

__________________

CHANDLERS WISH

How convenient, that he has an apartment, that he has to travel for business, that he gets to sleep with another female 2 - 3 times a month, maybe more, probably phoning his wife as soon as he's off the plane, then you, to arrange to meet.......

That's getting his cake and eating it to, is it not.

Women as so blinded by love and you are talking yourself into everything is ok, it's ok, because I don't care that he sleeps with her, I'm blocking that.

I don't believe he does, he doesn't like her... I will tell myself that, after all that's what he's told me.

I don't care, I am free, the other 26 days of the month, I am free, not tied down but no, I wouldn't cheat because I don't believe in cheating.

Um, your cheating, on her, with him...

He's cheating, on her with you, on you with her.

It's cheating.

Would I say you have issues? I would say you are blocking out the reality and not facing it, you are not seeing it all for what it is.

Hyphothetically, you went to the State where she lives, and you were able to be a fly on the wall, and you saw them laughing, and kids running around, you saw her asking him what he felt like eating for dinner, and him stating steak love would be good and then you saw them making love that night, very intimately, with love....

Would you like to tell us that you would be okay with that?

That would not destroy you?

The problem is you will never know, because, he has set up two homes, one for both States, one for both of his lives, the fantasy life and the reality....

And, you are part of that fantasy... he will stay where he is, you know that... but as I said, your blocking it all by convincing yourself, 3 days, out of 27 - 30 is enough for you to love someone, touch them, hold them and feel loved..

IS IT REALLY?

CW

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if truth were to be told

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misshannah

Hmmm.....we did broke up about 5 months ago because I felt like if he really loved me he could easily pick me over her. Thats an easy choice, right? So when he hesitated to reply to me I told him exactly that I don't appreciate being treated like a twinkie on the side and that whatever we had was done.
He called me every day, sometimes more than once, e-mailed me, texted and once waited for me in front of the campus building. I really did felt like he loved me and didn't want to lose me and I realized I do really love him too.


I don't know....it's hard to feel guilty and it's hard to have that emotion rule over all the other feelings we have for each other. It's hard to feel like it's wrong when it's so perfect whe we are together.

Hopeless Dork

Just exercise some caution hannah, that is really the point many of us are trying to make. You have fallen for him, and love is a strong emotion. One that is hard to turn off no matter whether or not it should be but try to keep his situation in the back of your mind to keep you from falling further if at all possible, to save yourself heartbreak down the road.

If he wanted to leave, really wanted to... he would have left before even starting the affair with you. He doesn't, and most likely won't. Showing up obsessively trying to reach you isn't an act of love, its one of desperation. I am not saying he doesn't "need you" he does. You are filling a void in his life, albeit just providing a temporary band aid to a situation that he will eventually realize he needs to work out in other ways.

He's having his cake right now and eating it too, over and over. Why wouldn't he fight to keep that, and beg you to stay?

__________________
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Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

amaranthine

It seems like you chose to do the right thing, for both yourself and for the entire situation, but in the end he guilt-tripped you into doing exactly what you said you did not want to do: being the twinkie on the side.
After you got back together with him, nothing changed. Your relationship is the same now as it was before you broke up. What does this tell you? What has he changed for you? Nothing. He just wants what he wants and will do what he must to get it.
Think about what you're doing for him. You're staying exclusive for him, even though you only see him a couple times a month, and even though he still sees his wife when he goes back home. Can't you see that he's got the big stick, and you're left holding the short end?
If he really loved you, he would have divorced his wife, whom he claims not to love.


Exactly. This is exactly what he hopes for. Since you're part of his fantasy-vacation a couple days a month, he can be as perfect as can be for you, when it may not in fact be who he really is on a normal basis. He's perfect to you so you'll never want to leave him, so he'll never lose the fantasy girl.

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Sista

You know, go into a polygamous marriage. Sorry, but you're cheating on his wife. I feel for her. But I've been doing research lately and Islam allows such marriages where there are two wives, so there's a way. That way people will be saved by hiding their other girls. I hope you leave him and realise your mistake on her.

Uneeklyme

Seriously? It's obvious you have no respect for his marriage. Neither does he but hello??? How about a little respect for his wife as a human being with thoughts and feelings.


You ask us to try and look at the situation like we are talking to you as a close friend... ok...
GIRL, you is a booty call!
Why not? . You hop in the sack with him when it's convienent for him and then kiss him g'bye and send him home to wife and baby. He has it made. Arm candy and a no strings romp. No strings because you think its ok for him to be a cheating louse so he has it made. You let him so he is pretty secure in the knowledge you aren't going to tell his wife. Keep going like you are and eventually you will be known for your indifference to marriage and respect. You will have the "in a bad marriage" men at your door for a go and all the "mistakes" they made ready to hang the lot of you from a tree.

Just telling it like I would tell a friend. I actually held back.

CHANDLERS WISH

There's your answer..........................

He chose the one whom he is drowning with, .......................over you?

Seriously?

Lies, lies, lies, I feel... If someone really was drowning and not happy and fell in love with someone else, mark my words ,they would leave for that person, for the happier life.

You didn't answer this, but I'm better that is the picture that you would see, ask yourself how you would feel if you did see this?

What if, your blind..

Can't see...

Your pretty much arguing with us, no, no, no, but, but, but, he's, he's, he's, when really you want to see the truth don't you but you aren't ready for the truth because he has made you a fishing line, reals you in......

Off course, he would text you, email you, wait for you. No one is suggesting he doesn't have feelings for you, generally actually they do, but not love, more like lust and "your mine" attitude... they can't bare to go back to the little wife and work out any problems there, ie) not enough sex, they are getting it all with love from their mistress, but a mistress generally gives her heart and soul, as she feels loved.....

It's like you are at the honeymoon stage..

And ,he and his wife may be at the "friends only stage"...

But he loves his wife, respects her, or can't leave because she will take 1/2 his superannuation, he won't see the kids, she will take the home, then he has to start again what for?

He has her, and his quiet life at home and A MISTRESS WHOOO HOOO....

If you are serious about this, quit on the you don't care... You do care, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be here, and you certainly wouldn't have written what you wrote about the time you left him as you wanted him to leave her for you...

You care.

Your just not ready as i said to hear the truth, and know in your heart you deserve better..

And his wife deserves to be able to be married as well without ever having a fear that some lady decides "big deal, you don't matter"...

No one is yours, unless they are exclusively yours.,... He's not yours is he...

But, also honestly, 3 days a month? Seriously, aren't you worth more than that?

CW

__________________
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told

Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!

Register! | Rules/FAQ | Contact Mod