misshannah

Ok, for a start I want to say to please don't judge me. I mean I know most of you will quitely judge me and I accept that.


I'm pretty much a normal 21 year old, I'm finishing my 3rd year of university, have friends, have fun etc.

However, for the past 7 months now I have been in a relationship with someone who is married. He is 27 and really an amazing guy, successful, charming who I have fun with and I really do love him and he loves me back. He has a child with his wife and mostly stays for her sake and for his family's sake... he says their marriage is pretty sterile and that he's not really in love with her anymore but does love her.
I actually had a boyfriend when I started seeing him but broke it off when we officially started seeing each other.

We definitely have what you call a 'whirlwind romance', we broke up once but just couldn't stay away from each other.

The thing is that this actually isn't my first 'encounter' with a married man. 2 years ago I slept with a guy who was married. This guy was a year older than me, we were friends and he was married for a year (no kids) when we got really really close and in the end ended up together. It happened twice and then we broke it off but ended up dating after he split from his wife 2 months later. We only dated for a short amount of time though...


Now, I usually really date single guys, I really do. This is only those two guys.
My friends joke around with me that I must have some kind of issues because once is a slip up and can happen to anyone but twice is pretty strange.

Would you guys agree?

WildChild

I see more than one issue; you aren't bothered that these men made and are breaking committments to be with you, you have no concern over what this will do the lives of the wife and child when it all comes to light (and it most always does), for someone so young to have done this twice seems to indicate avoidance of a committed relationship.

It is hard to address this without seeming judgemental, but you are the one who has to judge for yourself, here are some things to consider. Getting involved with a man you Know is committed elsewhere, not once but twice, shows a disregard for the other woman's feelings and sets you up to be hurt. Do you expect him to leave his wife for you? It is unlikely and if he does, consider that he is an oath breaker and a man who lies and sneaks and cheats - why would you want someone like that in your life? Do you get a sense of power? Taking another woman's man so to speak? Does this enhance your feeliing of attractiveness? Does he seem more attractive because he is married? Are you afraid of committment?

You were in a relationship with a man who was single and broke it off to be with a man who is married. You were screwing around with a married man and broke it off shortly after he left his wife. What do you see in that?

You are younger than you think and haven't yet had the experience to know that what he says his relationship is - it probably isn't. Chances are he is still intimate with his wife, don't be surprised to learn at some point that child number two is on the way.

You need to do some serious thinking. No one really comes out on the positive with this. There are situations I have known of, where one spouse is ill or something and has actually encouraged the other to seek an outside relationship - people come up with all sorts of ways to deal with things but this doesn't sound like that kind of situation. I've been on the other side, with a chronically cheating husband, I was young, attractive, essentially supporting both of us and I can tell you it hurts. I can also tell you that it's unlikely you are an isolated affair - that type tends to repeat. It's likely there were others before you and will be others after and may be even now.

Again, you need to look at what is in this for you? What need are you filling with this type of situation? What do you see as the future of this relationship>

misshannah

Thanks for replying and I'm sorry this is a topic close to you.

I know it's hard not to judge this, I'm not fooling myself that I'm doing something noble here...


With the first guy, I felt very guilty after what happened between us. When we ended up together I somehow manage to completely shove any thoughts of his wife aside but after the fact I did feel guilty and thats why we broke things off at first but then got back together... later we broke up because I was in university, having fun while he was a guy who had a job and an ugly divorce pending.

This time... I knew from the start that he was married and it represented a BIG no-no for both of us despite the attraction. But as time went on, so did the closeness between us and I didn't feel guilty at all when we first kissed. Like, we both knew it was wrong but didn't really feel it...I can't explain better.

I don't think I purposefully disregarded his wife's feelings but somehow it happened and we hardly talk about her. Basicly now we don't even act like it's something wrong as bad as that sounds...


I don't even expect him to leave his wife...I mean, it would be great but I wouldn't push it. From the things you listed: I don't get the sense of power but I have to admit it is a bit of a thrill (and I am being totally honest here, not gonna lie about anything).

Commitment - hmm...not I'm not really afraid of commitment. I mean, it depends. Sometimes I'm ok with it and I've had a few longish relationships in my life but sometimes I just prefer to stay casual.


So thats the best I can explain my feelings. And yeah, reading what you wrote and what I replied just now....I do have a bit of a disorted view on marriage. Like, I can't find a reason to break up with him.His marriage is not a good enough reason, thats how I feel right now.
We broke up once before because of it but we got back together because it wasn't enough to keep us apart.

And I know that it's horribly selfish.

Hopeless Dork

I think that a lot of times (not saying this is your individual case) when women choose to seek out partners that are already committed its a self-esteem issue.

There is a definite ego boost that comes from feeling like a man would give up, essentially his whole life for YOU.

Some women see it as a challenge, its easy to get a single guy interested in you at least enough to have sex with you if you are somewhat attractive, married and committed guys are more of challenge. It's an entertaining game for women that don't think about the consequences and lives impacted by it. Or for some that just adds to the excitement.

Some women themselves are afraid of committment, and dating a married guy is a sure fired way of knowing things are not (usually, typcially and more than likely) going to get very serious. It will end eventually in most cases and some go in knowing that full- well and appreciate that a guy can't completely possess them while they themselves are already possessed.

Some do it just because they happen to fall in love with a guy and aren't able to turn off the emotions, to seperate and see it from an outside perspective. To realize that as great as that man is, there is greater, as there is one with all his qualities that wouldn't start things off in a new relationship with the greatest act of betrayal to someone else.

Everyone makes mistakes, we are all human. You have to ask yourself if there is a reason behind what you are doing as only you can be honest with yourself enough to know. Was your dad faithful to your mom? If he wasn't did it hurt you, if he was.. would it hurt you to know he wasn't?

Sometimes we can't put ourselves in another persons shoes enough to realize fully what we are doing, and sometimes we should.

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Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

misshannah

No, I'm not doing it for the chase or ego boost... I'm confident and honestly I didn't do it with previous intent. Really.

It just...happened. His marriage didn't stop me and I can say that the relationship is quite happy.


My parents divorced when I was 6, no infidelity (that I know of) an it honestly happened so quickly and painlessly.... one day my dad was here and the next day they sat me down, gave the usual speech, my dad moved out but we still saw each other often. The divorce was final in a year and that was that. I was upset for a while but got over it pretty quickly and we all moved on normally.

Hopeless Dork

It really doesn't matter if there are issues behind your choices as long as you feel okay with them. If you honestly have no guilt about being with a married man and no fears of the likely scenerio of him doing similiar to you then you should just try to be happy and not worry what your friends think.

Because in reality you are the one that has to go to bed with yourself and wake up with yourself in the morning and if you have nothing tugging at your gut , no inclinations that its probably not what you should be doing than I don't think you have any "issues", you are just living for yourself and your own happiness and some people do really well like that.

__________________
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Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

WildChild

Just remember that what you do comes back to you. Maybe not in the same form, but it comes back and often amplified. You get what you give. Do you want what you are creating? How will you feel if the time comes that you are in the wife's posistion?

Iseulda

Do I think you have issues?

Yes - we all have issues. Don't sweat that part of it - of course you have issues.

Do I know what they are? No - and neither do you. But you're worried - why else would you be posting here. You ask if we think you have issues, you assume we will judge you, you adopt this apologist position while saying that you don't *feel* that you're doing anything that wrong. I won't pretend to understand what you are trying to achieve, I don't think you understand what you are trying to achieve.

You know you are not going to get a load of people from this readership telling you you are doing the right thing. So what's going on? You want to feel wrong about adultery but you don't? You want someone to come on and tell you you are totally normal and behaving normally?

I don't believe in 'normal' - I think we're all a bit dysfunctional and are all just muddling along doing the best we can in a complex world. What you are doing is extremely common. Not 'normal' but common, by which I mean adultery and other infidelities are part of everyday life. It does not make it right or good, it doesn't make it bad or evil - it is part of the human condition.

If you really are happy and confident and comfortable then stop looking for problems and just do your thing. No one can live your life but you.

If something is bothering you about yourself and you want to sort it out, sort it out. If you are unhappy being a mistress then stop.

I'm reminded of Sartre's take on asking advice. I'm not a great fan, but I agree with him on this one. No one can help us in the solitary journey of making our own choices by which we create our own values. Seeking advice from someone else is inefficacious. We have to choose the person we seek advice from, and, to a degree, we already know what that person will tell us. In a short story about a young man deciding between going to war and staying with his sick mother he shows the man choosing between asking for advice from the priest (who he knows will say 'stay with your mother') and a General (or some other military man, who he knows will advise him to go to war).

You have asked this forum, I assume you read here a little first - you even state in your opening paragraph that you would like for us not to judge you but you think we will. I wonder if you are actually seeking our disapproval, trying to have us talk you out of this relationship. But the choice is yours and yours alone. Don't be frightened of it - of course you will make mistakes, we all do.

CHANDLERS WISH

Your asking a question.. " would you say i have issues" but your almost bragging that you don't care at all about the wives of these men, after all, one was divorcing anyway and the other, well you've "chosen" to never think of her, or talk about her, so there is no issue.

If I was to hassed at a guess, I would be calling your bluff.. You didn't like the Divorce of your parents, you weren't ok with it and you don't view the word Marriage as sacred, or as real...

They don't work.

And, so you maybe even sub-consciously you don't value people either...

You expressed to Wildchild that you were sorry it "hit a chord" with her, did it? Or was she stating her opinion.

Let me ask you, have you ever had councelling for your parents Divorce?

Did you ever blame your Mother for it?

Or you put the whole thing at the back of your head, and now it's rearing itself due to the two relationships you have had, and you realise sub-conciously that you have issues, relationship issues.

Trust issues.

Non - believe that a marriage can work until the day you die.

I think the first, time you did feel guilty and you knew it was wrong, and then after it didn't matter.

I understand your logic as well of the "thrill" because i have heard it here over and over again, with women in your shoes..

But, the lonliness? Him sleeping with his wife everynight? The fact you can't tell most people? The weekly dates, dinner, romance and then home to bed together that don't occur?

There is a "thrill" with relationships as well, one on one, you just need to believe that and find it.



CW

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misshannah

Yeah, I'm happy in this relationship. I mean, I am generally happy in life and being with him just contributes to it.

We actually do whole 'sleepover', dinners, we even had a trip and my friends know about him.

It's because he doesn't live in this town, but has an apartment here because his company has a branch here so he travels quite a bit ( I don't live in that apartment, I have my own place with my best friend) so we stay there when he comes by which is usually about 2-3 times a month, sometimes more.

Anyway I find it actually very...freeing that I technically don't have to answer to anyone and I can still go out often with my friends and still have that 'freedom' while being in a relationship.


I am happy but I know it is morally wrong. I know that and to have it happen twice makes me wonder and realize that I really do have some issues with marriage or disrespect for it.

But I wouldn't know from where it stems out because I really was no hit with my parents divorce...like really not hit nearly at all. Isn't everyone doing it anyway?

My view when I'm with this guy is that he wouldn't cheat if their marriage isn't corrupted and bad. Why would he cheat if they were happily married? And it's his responsiblity (and hers) to end their marriage, not mine.